Thoughts of a New Love

I have awoke to thoughts of you. As are my first, my last are the same. Filling my heart until the words burst forth... You and you alone cause rejoicing from this once loveless soul.


I recall the depth
   the darkness
      of your eyes
         how you gazed
             at me
         how I chattered on
     how my heart did pound
how very excited I was - am
- to know you better.

I Must by Ruth Ann Hirt 11/2000

I don't want to think about the pain. I don't want to face the enemy. I'm afraid of crying myself to death. I'm afraid to feel the anguish of life, death, and everything in between. I hate thinking that I have to face my violators or worry where my ex-husband is. I hate feeling like I need sex because I don't know how to deal with all these emotions. Just like a drunk and his alcohol, I want to crawl inside a man and hide, hide from the pain - hide from the memory, but I know it will find me. I know it will haunt me. It will curse me unless I banish it to health. I must face it. I must bless the curse with anger and forgiveness. I must let go of the pain not hide it, not run from it to be tripped by it.

I must learn to change my way of thinking, my way of dealing, if I desire a different life. If I want a healthy mind I must face the pain and the anger. In order to live again, to blossom into what I know I can be - a writer, a poet, a friend - for other abused, hurting people. Open my heart to healing, I must open my heart to healing before I can be of any help to anyone else.

I must heal myself!

I must live myself! 

I must!

I must!

I must!

A poem by Ruth Ann Hirt written March 1, 2017

The pain - it swallows me whole
     regardless of the pills
               the alcohol
                      the therapy
The pain - it swallows me whole
      into the belly of seduction
      into the belly of denial
      into the belly of not
                             remembering
and though the details are vague
The pain - it swallows me whole

I wrote this several years ago....

I am a Survivor of
    Child neglect
    Child abuse
    Incest
    Sexual assault
    Molestation
    Date rape
    Domestic violence
      Assault
      Battery
      Attempted murder
      Financial control
      Isolation

——

Talk of Hope...
   What you come from is not
 What is important
    Where you go
 How you get there
    Who you love along the way

Yes I am still in pain
    Yes there are days I don't want to go on...
    Yet I do
        I do
    I go on living and loving and forgiving because life
 is worth it
    Loving is worth it
The pain is worth the reward
    the pain cannot hold a candle to the love and laughter

——

How do you tell another of the pain you have been through?
    Do you write music or paint?
    Do you run track and jump hurdles?
    Do you cry and curse?
    Do you break things and blame?
    Do you hurt others to ease your own pain?


It is not where you've been
It is where you are going and how you get there

——

Destruction breeds destruction
Hate brings hate
Love brings love
Hope brings hope

I'm not telling you to allow others to harm you
I am not telling you to forgive just to be hurt again

I am saying learn to love yourself and others will love you with a healthy heart.

——

You have a choice-
    Many choices-

You and only you
    Will decide whether you will come back in here again

You and only you will decide to be a victim or a survivor

Regardless of whether you are still in a dangerous situation it is your decision


——
If you desire to be treated as an adult, act like one - a true adult takes responsibility for their actions and takes their responsibilities serious.

Your job right now iis to get an education - part of that education is to realise you are responsible for yourself - you and only you can decide which path you will take...
        Healthy growth
            Or
                   Destruction

Why now?

All my life I have pulled myself together and lived a full life. Now I am working off hours to avoid dealing with the public. After work I come home and hide. I basically don't go anywhere that I don't have to go. I eat, sleep, watch old movies, and wonder if I will ever be able to go anywhere....

Let us not be fools...

Be grateful for all that touches our lives.

Where am I?

I had started this blog with the hope that I would continue to live abundantly and help others do the same.

Now I feel as though I am back in the cocoon. I am fearful any time I leave my apartment. I am not thinking "what ifs." I continually see my abusers attacking me. I hear their voices and how they promised to destroy me. For now the cocoon is safe...

I am lonely...

I really don't know what to write. I hide in my apartment to avoid dealing with people, but then I sit here by myself, drinking beers, wishing I could think of who to ask to come visit...

Happy New Year!

I, for one, am glad to see the holidays finish. I worked too hard, became ill, and spent them alone. Neither of my sons were able to make it into town. I have yet to meet my first grandchild. I broke up with the man that should have been my best friend, because he told me that he blocks out what I tell him of my past trauma. My response was, if you can't handle my past then I can't share my future. Of my five siblings, none of us exchanged holiday greetings, because none of us has been able to get past our tragic childhood.

So alone I ended the year and alone I start the year. I wish that I had happier things to share, but alas, I do not.

I pray that not only is 2017 kinder to me, but also that I am kinder to myself. Be well friends.