I don't want to think about the pain. I don't want to face the enemy. I'm afraid of crying myself to death. I'm afraid to feel the anguish of life, death, and everything in between. I hate thinking that I have to face my violators or worry where my ex-husband is. I hate feeling like I need sex because I don't know how to deal with all these emotions. Just like a drunk and his alcohol, I want to crawl inside a man and hide, hide from the pain - hide from the memory, but I know it will find me. I know it will haunt me. It will curse me unless I banish it to health. I must face it. I must bless the curse with anger and forgiveness. I must let go of the pain not hide it, not run from it to be tripped by it.
I must learn to change my way of thinking, my way of dealing, if I desire a different life. If I want a healthy mind I must face the pain and the anger. In order to live again, to blossom into what I know I can be - a writer, a poet, a friend - for other abused, hurting people. Open my heart to healing, I must open my heart to healing before I can be of any help to anyone else.
I must heal myself!
I must live myself!
I must!
I must!
I must!
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