Words to live by...

It is up to each of us.....

Please remember...

I am grateful.....

Remember to...

Home Life...

Being at home full time has given me a new perspective on "giving at home." When I was working full time it was very difficult to care about the house. I would do what I had to do with resentments. It wasn't that any of it was too hard or that I didn't enjoy doing them. Somewhere inside I felt like too much was being asked of me. My husband didn't do a quarter of the housework and he only but in more hours than me most weeks, not every week.

Half of our living room

As I started this out, I have a new perspective. I enjoy keeping our home nice and desire that Ron invest more time and energy in our home and us. However, I see more clearly the stress he puts on himself with 1 full-time job, 1 constant part-time job, and 3 sporadic part-time jobs. We have recently taken on house managers of the building we live in. That makes his third sporadic part time job. The other two are music related, while time consuming gives him an outlet for his artistry. As house managers we change light bulbs in common areas, do small repairs inside apartments, shovel snow, and keep an eye on everything in this six apartment three floor building. Thankfully it has no grounds to speak of. We are on a city corner so we shovel (yes, I help) two sides of the building and between the cars in our seven spot parking apron just off the street.

Seeing all I do at home and all he does outside the home. I for the first time in as long as I can remember, am without resentments. There are things that he needs to care for that I will not do, like, putting away his own laundry and tending to his own office. Neither are done on a continual basis and I try not to say much. I am hoping that in the future he will not feel a need to work outside the house so much and feel that helping here is investing in our home in our future and not just labor.

Truth is...

Friendship...

My prayer for you to realize...

Hope...

Dodinsky

If you stumble today, remember where and how it felt, and tomorrow take a different path.
Life flourishes from its pain and the lessons we gain. by Dodinsky

Yes...

More Words...

Word...

Healing Journeys...

For those of you who do not know, my last post was monumental because back in September I went into an episode of agoraphobia, that kept me housebound, except for doctor's visits, for almost 3 months. Over the last month I have been able to go to more and more public places, many of those times I was alone. I actually prefer to do many things alone because then I do not have to think of another person when I am ready to leave somewhere. There are other times when having a person with me has helped me stay focused on our conversation and not be over sensitive to those around me.

During my episode I had to relinquish my job because no one could say when I would be able to work again. My job had been at our public library, the busiest in our area, bringing in over 1,000 people a day. As many as 2,000 had been recorded on our busiest days. This brought me under much pressure to always be happy and kind. The kind part I did well, however the happy was difficult at times. I do realize I put much of the pressure on myself. We tend to do that when we are good at something and feel unappreciated. Many of my co-workers felt the same causing too much complaining. I am a person who believes that if you keep damning something it only gets worse and that was all many of them did, damn their own existence with bickering and complaints. That also weighed heavy on me.

So now I am home working on the computer, hoping to inspire you to live your lives more fully. Learning more about social networking and making a wonderful collection of inspiring quotes and photos. It is inspiring to me to have many friends around the world that are willing to share their day to day struggles. With the Internet I am able to connect with people I would otherwise never known existed  Sharing my wisdom to persevere has helped me to go forward rather than stay stuck in my episode. Therefore I thank you all for listening and receiving, allowing the healing to continue on It's journey through all of us. Namaste

A Good Tired...

I am so very very tired. For a good reason and I am pleased that I have accomplished what I did.

On Monday, my friend and neighbor needed me to drive her to have x-rays done on her back. We used her car, which is a blessing also because my truck won't start, nor could she climb into it. So the wait for x-rays was about an hour and B took about 20 minutes. We came home and I carried her mail up, got her settled into her apt.

Tuesday, B had a doctor's appointment. We went to that an I waited another hour or so. No worries, I was pleased to be of help. As we left B said she needed something to eat and we needed to drop off her prescription to be filled. Druggist said 30 - 45 minutes for prescription. I am grateful for the drive thru. So I took B home. Then went back out for her meal and prescription. I also needed milk and B had a craving for Pepsi. So thankful for the drive thru again. I drove thru Dick's Carry Out for Milk and Pepsi. Then to Kroger for prescription, then thru KFC for a meal. It was fun navigating the stairs with all that and the mail. B was very grateful and I felt helpful and got to drive her car again.

On Wednesday, B had a therapy appointment. We went to a place I had never been in. The atmosphere was wonderful. My Kindle decided it was not going to turn on and it really didn't bother me. I was comfortable with my cup of Good Earth Tea and the music. As I waited relaxed and blissful my mind wondered on nothing special. When B was done you could tell some of the pain had subsided. I complimented the staff on such a nice place and asked if they charge for just hanging out. While the atmosphere was most pleasant when near the staff I felt much tension. Maybe I can recommend they clear their own baggage at the door to better serve their self and their clients.

Well, I am not sharing this on Thursday to receive recognition on my service to my friend. Rather, I am recognizing in myself how much better I felt helping someone else. The fact that I went into 3 new public places without any anxiety is a cheer factor also. Today I am exhausted. Partially because I have not done that much running in 6 months and part do to the flashbacks of having assisted my mother in her frailty. While the flashbacks were unpleasant at times, they were also insightful.

Thanks for reading my victorious week so far! I only have a hair appointment this afternoon. B has already said I could use her car. I will offer to bring her a meal home since her menu is limited and I don't cook. Blessings to you all.

Joy!

Even when I am part of the conversation or other activity, I almost always feel apart from every one and every thing. Alone on my life journey, attempting to accept the things I can not change. Hoping  for the strength to change the things I can. Yet always feeling alone.

Baggage...

“I love you” hangs in the air like a sickening mist.

Choking and smothering while they drive you insane.

The why’s are gone but the fear still lingers.

My skin crawls from my husband’s touch.

Will passion be forever cursed?

Will these words be forever tainted?

by RAHirtBrooker 1/15/2012



Kitty Cuteness

The Silence of Snow...

Glad to be alive...

Isn't it weird how physical pain can make you feel alive when it has come from working muscles you have not used in a while? Well, I am alive today! I had already had the sore legs from the stairs and now I have sore shoulder and hip from helping do housework yesterday. Not that I did all that much, it is just that it was on top of my own housework. What a great workout! And the pains I am feeling are chronic spots that flair when exerted. Just enough to remind me I am alive. Today I will just do small chores  around the house and watch an afternoon and evening of ghost shows while I crochet.

Ghost Whisperer has become a favorite. While I know all the action has been enhanced for the TV audience, the story lines are interesting and heartwarming. The main character is based on a real person that live in Ohio, USA.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYy0wm8N_mI&feature=colike

This link will take you to youtube's video on the show and real person. Mary Ann Winkowski speaks, while you see clips from the show and other interviews from the staff of the show. I have just ordered the first season from my local library to make sure I have not missed anything in the reruns. Mary Ann's book has wonderful insight into what her true gift is and how it differs from the TV series.

So today I will lay low and be grateful for the friends, family, and work I have in my life. Blessings to you all. Namaste

A New Day...

OK, I was ranting yesterday. I did and do care enough about my home that I carried stuff down our 3 flights of stairs (several times) to my truck. I had chosen some items that were ready to bless another person's life. So my errands yesterday were to take the trash out, drop a couple boxes off at the thrift store, one box to the Encore resale store for nicer items that benefit our area hospice program. I also put fuel in the truck and washed its windows.

So I had some caring in my heart/mind. Trying to focus on what I do have and not what is lacking will help more than I understand. What ever one focuses on is what will grow or multiply. If I would have chosen not to do the things I did, I would had most likely sat around the house feeling sorry for myself. What would that serve? Certainly not me. So I finished my errands and came home to finish the laundry and walk across the street to the produce market and bought celery, carrots and grapes. So that made it  at least 5 times up and down our 3 levels, every time carrying something. My legs are nicely sore today to remind me I need to do it more frequently. {smiles}

Today I have an appointment with my psychiatrist at 1130 am. It is a 45 minute drive and usually a 45 minute wait to see her. I will be grabbing some lunch then headed to a friends house to help tidy up. He has back problems and can't run the vacuum or stand long enough to do the dishes. His friendship means much and it is pleasing to get paid by having lunch with him. The Universe is good, if we can focus on the good and not the disappointing factors in our life. You all have permission to remind me of that when I am ranting. OK? OK. {smiles}

Monday Rant...

I would rather feel crazy with anxiety than feel this complacency that has me not caring about much of anything. With the anxiety I had energy to do tasked that are now a pain just to think about. The complacency pulls me into a mindless void of a person. What in Heaven's name is it that I really need? The medication is too much in the opposite direction of the anxiety and I would rather be antsy and nervous than a bump on a log. God help us figure out what is best for me. I have no drive for life or care for what goes on around me. They tell me to get involved with something outside of the house. When I go to something, I may be interested for a small while, then become bored or burdened by it's demands.

Send my good thoughts that I may find my way to stable, zestful living. Not sure I even know what that is like. Thanks for listening.

Words....