Where am I?

I had started this blog with the hope that I would continue to live abundantly and help others do the same.

Now I feel as though I am back in the cocoon. I am fearful any time I leave my apartment. I am not thinking "what ifs." I continually see my abusers attacking me. I hear their voices and how they promised to destroy me. For now the cocoon is safe...

I am lonely...

I really don't know what to write. I hide in my apartment to avoid dealing with people, but then I sit here by myself, drinking beers, wishing I could think of who to ask to come visit...

Happy New Year!

I, for one, am glad to see the holidays finish. I worked too hard, became ill, and spent them alone. Neither of my sons were able to make it into town. I have yet to meet my first grandchild. I broke up with the man that should have been my best friend, because he told me that he blocks out what I tell him of my past trauma. My response was, if you can't handle my past then I can't share my future. Of my five siblings, none of us exchanged holiday greetings, because none of us has been able to get past our tragic childhood.

So alone I ended the year and alone I start the year. I wish that I had happier things to share, but alas, I do not.

I pray that not only is 2017 kinder to me, but also that I am kinder to myself. Be well friends.

Life goes on...

I am buzzed on a few beers... Thinking that in this new year ii require a partner who is strong enough to handle to deal with me as I tell my traumatic herstory....

The week before Christmas.

It is Sunday evening and I will be working every day but one until next Sunday. I have my laundry, dishes, and shopping done. I am relaxing here with Christmas cartoons, candles, and wine. I hope that I am able to enjoy the next two weeks. My family does not get together because our memories are too painful, and my boys don't live local. So I will be alone for the most part. My plan for Christmas day is to have a pajama day. Since I will be working 8 hours every previous 3 days each. Wish me luck!

Good morning friends.

It is amazing how a nice dinner with good company can help give you a good nights sleep. I am feeling energized and happy this morning. Too bad it will be used up at work instead of doing the housework I could/should have done yesterday. Oh well, the dirty dishes are not going anywhere.

I hope that everyone has an awesome day!

A bit better

A friend reminded me to not sweat the small stuff and it is all small stuff. My biggest problem is that I keep everyone at arm's length while I truly want to love and trust. Nearly every person who was to love and protect me actually misused, abused, and messed with my head. So how do I trust again?

Right now I am feeling like a wart on the hand of humanity.  No matter how loving or gracious the act I hide myself because I feel ugly inside. The poisonous memories that I carry cause fear and shame, so much so that I refuse to allow anyone to love me. I feel cursed by the very walls that I have placed around my heart to survive...

I'm Back!

I have acquired a Kindle Fire. I am still learning how to use it, so bare with me as I become acclimated.

I have also requested a hotspot adapter for my desktop computer. Therefore, I should be able to get back into this rather quickly.

Wish me luck!

No trust left...

Why aren't you sleeping?

Yep!

Do not speak, write, or act in anger...

Boy oh boy was it a FLUFFY week!

Yes.

Shine!

Keep Smiling!

I Love Me!

Be Love

Happy St. Patrick's Day!