You know....

Shop Day...

I had a wonderfully busy day yesterday. Ron made French toast for breakfast. I then soaked in a lemon and sea salt bath. (It energizes great) Then we met my younger sister for coffee before shopping for our upcoming trip. I purchased; a bathing suit, two pairs of slacks, three tops, three pairs of panties, a sweater, a cotton cover-up, dress shoes, and walking sandals for under $300. I had never before been so successful shopping the mall. It was a good day!

Today I am still glowing from my shopping victory!

What a difference a day makes...

I have awoken in a most cheerful mood today. Since I last wrote on Wednesday I have put my anxious energy to good use. Wednesday morning I went and helped a friend do some housework. Then I came home to have lunch with my husband. In the afternoon I went to the local resale stores to find clothes that fit me. I have gone from a size 10/12 to a size 18/20 in less than a year. I am grateful that I do not feel as crazy as I did however the result of medication coupled with lack of activity has taken it's toll. Once home with my new clothing, I started trying on everything in my closet. Near 5 pm I stopped in order to have dinner with my husband. He would be leaving for an awards ceremony for his youngest daughter shortly after dinner. As soon as my husband had left I went to bed. I was exhausted from both the upheaval of emotion and a full day of business. Sleeping approximately ten hours I was slow waking up and a bit depressed. I did minimal physical work in the morning, writing mostly as you can see I added a page here on the blog. My friend and I had a lunch date, so the plan was to meet at the restaurant up the block. My plan was to go early and write while holding a table for us. When his lunch time changed I called my husband to join me and joked with the gals working there about having two lunch dates. So I stayed there three hours, first having lunch with my husband then with my buddy. Well, I only ate once. The third hour consisted of thirty minutes before and after their arrivals. Then after that I came home java'd up. I think I drank about a pot of coffee in that three hours. I cleaned one of the living room chairs with the lint brushes to remove cat hair. Feeling good of that accomplishment I went into try on the remainder of my clothes. There is now a stack of boxes and bags ready to be given to charity. For the first time that I can remember all my hangup clothes fit into one closet. It feels very good to have accomplished all that in two days.

Today's plan is to deliver the clothes, talk with the bank, and shop for a bathing suit for our upcoming trip. By the way, I am not totally displeased with how I look. Firming my tummy would be nice. I still have my hourglass shape, it just now has two hours in it. lol

Hanging by a thread

And the thread has a knot...

The month of May...

Help!!! I am freaking out. I just found out that my in-laws will be coming to spend a couple days, two days after we will have been gone for a week for a wedding 12 hours away. The biggest problem is... if I try to calm myself I shut down. If I let myself panic I am too scattered to organize my thoughts to prepare the house for company. I have a bunch of cleaning to do because we have two cats that I have trouble grooming, therefor hair is everywhere. I have a couple weeks before our trip, yet in between now and then I have a college graduation to attend, then help her move back to her mother's. I have a formal fundraiser for our local symphony to attend that last year had around 300 people at. Send me peaceful, organized thoughts, Please. and thank you. I think I need to go shopping for my dress for the fundraiser. I have an outfit for the wedding, still need something for the rehearsal dinner. Oh my. I have put on about 40lbs since last September and none of my old clothes fit. well I shouldn't say none. I kept a couple skirt and top outfits that stretch but they are dark colors not good for a May function. I also need comfy shoes, can't do sexy on my feet no more. Boohoo, scream, breathe!!! I can do this. You are all going to send me good, positive thoughts and I will keep breathing and I will do everything.

Gathering thoughts...

I had recently decided that the 45 minute ride to my old therapist is worth what I receive from our connection. Ironically I am feeling detached today because of all we spoke of yesterday. We talked for the first time in eight weeks. This allowed us to reacquaint and me to inform her where I am mentally. I spoke of my symptoms with a clarity I lacked a few months ago. This lead her to recognize in me that I have all the normal symptoms of a severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) patient. I credit my new clarity to the fact that our days are becoming warmer, sunnier, and longer. I also struggle with Seasonal Affected Disorder (SAD).

I had to go run an errand. Let's see if I can get back into this.

SAD starts as early as mid August with me. I sense the days becoming shorter causing a shift in my mood. In the past, spring is the time of year I become happier and more energized. When August comes around and we are seeing less and less sunshine I withdraw into my cave. Thankfully my cave now comes with internet!! LOL This is important for keeping social without allowing too many triggers for the PTSD. If between now and August there are minimal triggers I will maintain my energy. With moments of necessary social events and day to day life drama it is impossible for me to stay free of triggers. (For those of you who don't know what triggers are; they are events that cause memories that reinstate the fear or other emotion that was felt at the time of a past trauma. That is my own explanation and not textbook.)

Because my trauma was ongoing from early childhood to my thirties it is difficult to say what my triggers are. I can seem fine one moment and the next have to excuse myself to make myself breathe. Because I had to maintain 'normalcy' for a good portion of my traumatic years I have learned to 'act' my way through a situation. This allows me to wait till I get home to fall apart. Then after even a simply event such as attending a church service or high school play, I can become dysfunctional for several days.

Today I don't feel like existing, yet I am maintaining. I have been up and out of the house three times this morning. First, I had to drop my husband off to work so his car could be worked on. Second, I walked with my ailing neighbor a block up the street to the hardware store so she could pick something up. Third, I will be going back to pick up Ron for lunch and to pick up his car. This afternoon the plan is to hide! Be home with my cats and work on the computer, maybe do a load of laundry, maybe nap... I will see what the universe has planned. I just ordered some fruit from the grocer up the street to have delivered this afternoon.

OK, where was I?

Sharing my past with you will be both rewarding and difficult. To remember may cause a bad day. However, it will release the powerful grip the memories have over me. Once it is shared it is no longer a buried secret. Therefor, giving me new freedom to discover who I am meant to be. At least that is what I believe. Hope I am correct. Today's post is kind of scattered, well, that is how I feel. Be Blessed.

Accept what you cannot change...

Plant the seeds of happiness...

Sounds like a great start!

My happy place...

I am having fun with this new talent...

This and post #2 are photos I took with my phone camera. Ain't technology Wonderful?

Post #2

Sleepless night...

I couldn't sleep last night.

While awake I taught myself to make posts.

Not bad for just learning.

No ending just new beginnings...

I need reminded...

Memory...

Once, when my oldest son was 3 or 4, I collected the dots from a hole punch. They were white, it was winter and I had an idea. We took the black construction paper and drew a snow scene. Then we put little dots of glue all over the paper.  Pinching up the dots, we sprinkled them across the page, tapping them into place to give our scene an extra snowy look. I was a good mom til I went crazy... Friends will fuss at me for that term. I don't know how else to say it. You can't run from yourself. You'll run yourself crazy and hurt everyone you know trying. I know.

Need vs greed

at least...

Watch...

To the right side of the page as I work on my memoirs. There will be editing as it is a work in progress. Chapter One is up already.

Revealed...

Unconditional Love not Romantic Love

Regrowth...

Sing...

Hmmm...

I have heard this one several times lately...

Yes...

Easter ride...

I have just returned from giving my younger son a ride from his Dad's house to his Aunt's house to celebrate Easter. My son is legally blind and his dad has gone away for the weekend. Any how, the mission made me very nervous. My son is a recovering addict. His conduct this morning resembled that of when he was using drugs. I am beside myself wanting to believe him while seeing no reason to do so. Part of me is shaking with anxiety and the other is exhausted all ready. I am fearful for his health and life, hoping that it is as he said and the fact that he stayed up until 4 am, but I don't...

Renewal...

Easter morning and I am praying to feel renewed. This week has brought a trial of emotions and feeling alien in my own body. Not being sure what may have triggered this episode I have attempted to stay above it by staying active. While that has helped, so has my anti-anxiety sedative. Unfortunately I missed a dear friends wedding yesterday. I am hoping my absence wasn't noted and I will send my gift and letter of apology through the mail. Today is another day and I need to get off my ass and at least take a shower and prepare the kitchen for Ron to cook us a nice Easter meal. I have always been a person who eats to live, not live to eat. Therefore most meals are prepared by my husband so he can eat the way he likes. I would be happy with tuna and salad fixings most of the time, or cold cereal with soy milk. It is interesting how different I eat now that we have to keep food in the house that pleases us both. I will drink cow's milk but only from the local dairy. I use whole wheat bread because the Ezekiel bread is too expensive to have both kinds in the house. At least we agree on fruits and vegetables.

 

Well enough rambling about diets.  I am good at changing the subject, even on myself, if I become nervous. I am concerned about whether or not I will be able to work when the time comes. With the ups and downs it is difficult seeing myself in the job atmosphere. My new psychiatrist has indicated that I should not beat myself up if I can't work and if disability is in the cards so be it. I wish I would have seen him when I first broke down. I would be on disability from my former job rather than having no income. We are blessed with Ron's jobs. His passion for music gives him the energy for a full-time position and three part-time music jobs. The music is sporadic other than the church gig, where he is music director for both a contemporary service and traditional service every Sunday. He is a good man and we put up with each other very well. lol While life is a struggle for me right now, I know I can count on him to take care of me.

Have a Blessed Spring season!

Wishing you all the renewal that comes with a new Spring. Namaste

we all make mistakes...

Attititude is Everything...

And some days are easier than others...

Freedom from Stuff...

My eldest son once told me that he had read an article that stated 'people who spent money on events rather than stuff are more happy.' Embracing this philosophy has not been difficult. Less items to dust and take care of is a welcome change. With me feeling better and being able to venture out the knowledge that I am not bogged down by household items is liberating.

Freeing our selves from unnecessary burdens is part of a holistic view of health. The person who shops habitually is attempting to fill some kind of void or numb a deep pain. I speak from experience. Having tried many numbing actions, from drugs to sex, shopping, eating, writing, talking. Yes, I put a few healthy ones in there. Healthy if kept in boundaries and not all consuming. There is a danger of talking to the wrong person that you should not trust with your sensitive emotions or of sharing your writings with the wrong person. It is so easy to fall into a cycle of doing something that starts out healthy and it ends up harming you. Our television is full of every day examples of good things gone bad if you really need to dwell there. I will go to where the sunshine is...

Trying to make my self change thought direction I heard in my head, "how 'bout them Reds?" Not that I am a large sports fan, just a distracting statement my husband and I use.

So on to sunnier things. My focus has changed to shaving for events rather than dust collectors or new decor in the house every season or decorations for every holiday. I would much rather go to dinner than have bouquet of flowers that I have to worry the cats will eat or knock over. I would rather plan a trip then new drapes for the living room. Dinners, trips, or parties those are the moments that make life special. Making something special of taking a child back to college or coming home to visit after six months of being away. Make the moments count. Share time with friends that help you smile, well I don't know why you would call someone friend that didn't help you smile...

Anyway, I think and hope you get my picture here, sell the knickknacks that don't have a story attached, so you can go on that hike on Saturday instead of dusting. Stuff in over rated! Peace out!