Gathering thoughts...

I had recently decided that the 45 minute ride to my old therapist is worth what I receive from our connection. Ironically I am feeling detached today because of all we spoke of yesterday. We talked for the first time in eight weeks. This allowed us to reacquaint and me to inform her where I am mentally. I spoke of my symptoms with a clarity I lacked a few months ago. This lead her to recognize in me that I have all the normal symptoms of a severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) patient. I credit my new clarity to the fact that our days are becoming warmer, sunnier, and longer. I also struggle with Seasonal Affected Disorder (SAD).

I had to go run an errand. Let's see if I can get back into this.

SAD starts as early as mid August with me. I sense the days becoming shorter causing a shift in my mood. In the past, spring is the time of year I become happier and more energized. When August comes around and we are seeing less and less sunshine I withdraw into my cave. Thankfully my cave now comes with internet!! LOL This is important for keeping social without allowing too many triggers for the PTSD. If between now and August there are minimal triggers I will maintain my energy. With moments of necessary social events and day to day life drama it is impossible for me to stay free of triggers. (For those of you who don't know what triggers are; they are events that cause memories that reinstate the fear or other emotion that was felt at the time of a past trauma. That is my own explanation and not textbook.)

Because my trauma was ongoing from early childhood to my thirties it is difficult to say what my triggers are. I can seem fine one moment and the next have to excuse myself to make myself breathe. Because I had to maintain 'normalcy' for a good portion of my traumatic years I have learned to 'act' my way through a situation. This allows me to wait till I get home to fall apart. Then after even a simply event such as attending a church service or high school play, I can become dysfunctional for several days.

Today I don't feel like existing, yet I am maintaining. I have been up and out of the house three times this morning. First, I had to drop my husband off to work so his car could be worked on. Second, I walked with my ailing neighbor a block up the street to the hardware store so she could pick something up. Third, I will be going back to pick up Ron for lunch and to pick up his car. This afternoon the plan is to hide! Be home with my cats and work on the computer, maybe do a load of laundry, maybe nap... I will see what the universe has planned. I just ordered some fruit from the grocer up the street to have delivered this afternoon.

OK, where was I?

Sharing my past with you will be both rewarding and difficult. To remember may cause a bad day. However, it will release the powerful grip the memories have over me. Once it is shared it is no longer a buried secret. Therefor, giving me new freedom to discover who I am meant to be. At least that is what I believe. Hope I am correct. Today's post is kind of scattered, well, that is how I feel. Be Blessed.