Figuring out who "self" is.....

Who is "self"? In a perfect world I see this altruistic savoir of the people, a Mother Teresa of sorts. When I see that person I don't see me having fun and sharing time with friends, only helping people. How unrealistic is that? I would guess that my goal is to find a middle ground to who I am and "Mother Teresa" When I look at who I am right now, there are moments I am pleased and moments I am torn as to why I even think the way I do. My friends tell me I am more "normal" then I realize. What a let down that is, I have always wanted to be extraordinary with a twist of eccentric.

So how do we find out "self"? Do we sit and contemplate the universe or just try to be the best person we can be for any given situation. Do we, at the end of the day, go over that days events and hope we don't find a moment that we denied self to the point of hypocrisy. Or is it a little of both, not giving into a situation by going against that gut feeling or our voice of intuition. If any of you know how to find "self" let me know.

Quandary.....

I apologize to all my readers for having had writers block the past several weeks. I am not sure if I should attribute it to the Abilify medication or the insomnia that has accompanied it. Over all I am feeling well mentally. My fear and anxiety is the lowest it has been in over a year. However my comfort level has me having an alcoholic beverage now and again in order to fit into the crowd that I share time with now and again. I don't feel that way around all my friends but I feel a need to when I go to a restaurant with my husband and he chooses to drink. Or our company does. I guess at times I am still that teenage girl still trying to fit into a place that maybe I don't belong..... All in all, I am feeling confused about feeling "normal" and frightened on whether or not I am capable to rise above my situation and into a new stronger personality willing and able to be my "Self".

Most of the time....

Ah yes....

Time to move forward...

Yes....

Staying Positive....

Waiting for a new tide...

How long does driftwood wonder until it becomes stuck on some foreign shore?

'Irrational Ways of Thinking' is adapted from "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns

This was the first handout that my therapist gave me to help me recognize unhealthy thought patterns.

This is the essence of rational self analysis - First analyze thought patterns for ways in which they contribute to your feelings. Second, pick out the irrationalities in thoughts. Third, dispute the irrational thoughts and substitute rational ones. To help in the identification of irrational thinking, below are some examples of irrational thinking patterns and the feeling which result.

IRRATIONAL WAYS OF THINKING

1. All or Nothing Thinking. You see things in black and white categories (no gray). If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

2. Overgeneralization. You see a single negative event as a pattern of defeat.

3. Mental Filter. You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of reality becomes darkened, like a drop of ink that discolors an entire glass of water.

4. Disqualifying the Positive. You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason of another. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experience.

5. Jumping to Conclusions. You make a negative interpretation, even though there are NOT definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

6. Mind Reading. You arbitrarily decide that someone is reaction negatively to you, but you don't bother to check this out with them.

7. The Fortune Teller Error. You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already established fact.

8. Magnification. (catastrophizing) or Minimizing. You over experience the importance of things or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny. Such as your own goof up, someone else's achievement, your own qualifications or other person's imperfections.

9. Should Statements. You try to motivate yourself with "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" as if you have to be whipped before you will do anything. "Must" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequence is quilt. When you direct "should" statements towards others, you feel frustration, anger and resentment if they don't meet your expectations.

10. Labeling and Mislabeling. You attach negative labels to yourself. "I'm a loser". Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

11. Personalization. You see yourself as that cause of some negative event for which, in fact, you are not primarily responsible.

Birthday Wishes

It has been several days since I have posted anything and now I am examining why. I never have liked my birthday. I get much more satisfaction from celebrating someone else's. I remember when we still lived near Buffalo, New York, I use to get a cherry flavored angel food cake for my birthday. That stopped when we moved to Ohio. I am not sure why, I was no longer the baby girl. My sister had been born seven weeks after my 5th birthday. Was that the last time I had homemade cherry flavored angel food cake? It might had come from a box, I don't recall that much detail. Besides, we were never allowed in the kitchen other than to eat.

Another birthday, when I was going to be 11 or 12, my mother had been promising me a stereo. Instead, they put in a 4 foot above ground pool and said that was my present. I was devastated.

All of us were lucky to even get a "Happy Birthday" wish from our parents. But rather than dwell on the negative let me attempt to think of some better birthdays as an adult.

When I was working at the Career Services Office as a student worker at Lakeland Community College, the gang in the office gave me a surprise party. The only surprise party I recall having and the best party I ever had as of the age of 37.

The next was one given by my friends and planned by my then boyfriend, Robert. We all met at Willow Leaf Cafe that was owned and ran by friends also. Kirk, the owner made me a birthday cake. My friends pitched in for ice cream. That was a good time. I think that is the last birthday party I had.

Now I am 50 and have isolated myself from many of my friends do to fears that cause me to react before I even realize they have been triggered. My husband doesn't seem to realize that his poor choices also feed those fears.

And so, somehow, I must get back to trusting and relying on the only person that can make any changes happen, Me.

It was a good day...

My 50th birthday was much like many other days. I was home alone, on my computer wondering who might think of me today. I realize how self-centered that sounds. Having isolated myself as much as I have this past year it is easy to wonder who desires to make the effort to spend time with me. I have only one friend that I have kept in constant contact and seen regularly throughout this year. He has been a good friend, being patient when I was not ready to leave the apartment and being generous with his time and resources when I have been ready.

There have been a couple other friends that would be there when ever I would request, yet there have been times when I would like to have seen them without having to ask. I can be such a spoiled bitch at moments. That is such a selfish thought. I guess that shows how far I have come to recognize that fact. A few months ago I would have expected them to read my mind. Anyway...

On my birthday, I heard from several friends and my youngest son. My elder son seems to have been occupied with other thoughts, which is both acceptable and disappointing. Acceptable in the sense that I justify sending a text to him on his birthday by saying I don't wish to intrude in his life and disappointing in the fact that he didn't find a moment to at least text me. So I do my best to focus on those who did contact me and my "bestest bud" who drove us to dinner and then bought me ice cream.

My husband was busy with his father on a 15 year standing golf date to see the last round of the Bridgestone Invitational PGA in Akron, Ohio. It has landed on my birthday twice now in the 8 years we have been together. I can't imagine telling him I desired to have him home for my birthday, especially when I don't desire to do hardly nothing outside the house, nor spend intimate friendship time with him. I am just now wondering if I keep myself from him because he is so busy that I fear missing him more than I already do. So I don't allow myself that close time with him when the opportunity is there. Interesting... and not so smart. I will have to show him that I appreciate him more, for without him I would be homeless. and with that thought I feel resentment for not being able to support myself. Oh, how crazy our own minds can make us....

The neighbor lady across the hall gave me a surprise gift of cupcakes and a gift card for Red Lobster. The card she gave with that showed both her gratitude and pleasure of the friendship we have made. At times I grow impatient with her need to complain, then I realize she doesn't have all that many people to converse with either. So a friendship has been forged. Now I have myself thinking of those cupcakes... with coffee... yummy.

The value of friendship takes on new meaning....

My best gift was that of my younger son's visit on Thursday. He was in town to take care of some banking and to see me and a few good (clean) friends. Seeing him clean and feeling well did my heart well. His day here in town was good for both of us. He saw friends that had seen him through his dark times and his former girlfriend that is also doing well. He is starting to make amends and realizes that will take a couple years to accomplish. For those of you that don't know, my son is a recovering drug addict. He is a good man with a kind, gentle heart. I wish him well in all he does. He will always be my baby... 

To Me...

I am trying to....

Sleepless rant....

Still not sleeping well. This white screen makes my eyes hurt. the only thing I have been doing in playing facebook games. My birthday is in two days and I don't even which to celebrate. Ron and I are to celebrate tonight because he has a commitment on Sunday. I don't want to do anything. I so dislike the nothingness of my life yet will not allow myself to go and enjoy. Whine, whine, whine, bitch, bitch, bitch. I am good at that, no?

I am to go to a funeral this morning before my appointment for the spa. I won a message and facial. Then after lunch I am to go to talk with vocational rehabilitation people about the next step to me acquiring some sort of employment. Why do I fear life so? I use to be such an adventurer. I use to laugh in the face of fear. Now I am tired and don't wish to fight anymore. Is it possible to have an abundant life without fighting? So many teachers say not to fight the enemy but to acknowledge and walk away. That feels like such poppycock right now. yet there is no energy to fight. nor ability to sleep.