It was a good day...

My 50th birthday was much like many other days. I was home alone, on my computer wondering who might think of me today. I realize how self-centered that sounds. Having isolated myself as much as I have this past year it is easy to wonder who desires to make the effort to spend time with me. I have only one friend that I have kept in constant contact and seen regularly throughout this year. He has been a good friend, being patient when I was not ready to leave the apartment and being generous with his time and resources when I have been ready.

There have been a couple other friends that would be there when ever I would request, yet there have been times when I would like to have seen them without having to ask. I can be such a spoiled bitch at moments. That is such a selfish thought. I guess that shows how far I have come to recognize that fact. A few months ago I would have expected them to read my mind. Anyway...

On my birthday, I heard from several friends and my youngest son. My elder son seems to have been occupied with other thoughts, which is both acceptable and disappointing. Acceptable in the sense that I justify sending a text to him on his birthday by saying I don't wish to intrude in his life and disappointing in the fact that he didn't find a moment to at least text me. So I do my best to focus on those who did contact me and my "bestest bud" who drove us to dinner and then bought me ice cream.

My husband was busy with his father on a 15 year standing golf date to see the last round of the Bridgestone Invitational PGA in Akron, Ohio. It has landed on my birthday twice now in the 8 years we have been together. I can't imagine telling him I desired to have him home for my birthday, especially when I don't desire to do hardly nothing outside the house, nor spend intimate friendship time with him. I am just now wondering if I keep myself from him because he is so busy that I fear missing him more than I already do. So I don't allow myself that close time with him when the opportunity is there. Interesting... and not so smart. I will have to show him that I appreciate him more, for without him I would be homeless. and with that thought I feel resentment for not being able to support myself. Oh, how crazy our own minds can make us....

The neighbor lady across the hall gave me a surprise gift of cupcakes and a gift card for Red Lobster. The card she gave with that showed both her gratitude and pleasure of the friendship we have made. At times I grow impatient with her need to complain, then I realize she doesn't have all that many people to converse with either. So a friendship has been forged. Now I have myself thinking of those cupcakes... with coffee... yummy.

The value of friendship takes on new meaning....

My best gift was that of my younger son's visit on Thursday. He was in town to take care of some banking and to see me and a few good (clean) friends. Seeing him clean and feeling well did my heart well. His day here in town was good for both of us. He saw friends that had seen him through his dark times and his former girlfriend that is also doing well. He is starting to make amends and realizes that will take a couple years to accomplish. For those of you that don't know, my son is a recovering drug addict. He is a good man with a kind, gentle heart. I wish him well in all he does. He will always be my baby...