It has been several days since I have posted anything and now I am examining why. I never have liked my birthday. I get much more satisfaction from celebrating someone else's. I remember when we still lived near Buffalo, New York, I use to get a cherry flavored angel food cake for my birthday. That stopped when we moved to Ohio. I am not sure why, I was no longer the baby girl. My sister had been born seven weeks after my 5th birthday. Was that the last time I had homemade cherry flavored angel food cake? It might had come from a box, I don't recall that much detail. Besides, we were never allowed in the kitchen other than to eat.
Another birthday, when I was going to be 11 or 12, my mother had been promising me a stereo. Instead, they put in a 4 foot above ground pool and said that was my present. I was devastated.
All of us were lucky to even get a "Happy Birthday" wish from our parents. But rather than dwell on the negative let me attempt to think of some better birthdays as an adult.
When I was working at the Career Services Office as a student worker at Lakeland Community College, the gang in the office gave me a surprise party. The only surprise party I recall having and the best party I ever had as of the age of 37.
The next was one given by my friends and planned by my then boyfriend, Robert. We all met at Willow Leaf Cafe that was owned and ran by friends also. Kirk, the owner made me a birthday cake. My friends pitched in for ice cream. That was a good time. I think that is the last birthday party I had.
Now I am 50 and have isolated myself from many of my friends do to fears that cause me to react before I even realize they have been triggered. My husband doesn't seem to realize that his poor choices also feed those fears.
And so, somehow, I must get back to trusting and relying on the only person that can make any changes happen, Me.
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