I have been trying to write all of you something for 2 or more days now. I don't do well at Christmas... this year is especially difficult. Too many things aren't right, including my lack of gratetude... Sometimes I think, if I could just be more grateful for all the wonderful things in my life instead of wigging out about the not so great things, I would just get over my nervous ways. I wouldn't shake when I talk to some people, or pull on my hair or cry as soon as I hang up the phone. Happy thoughts, Happy thoughts.... that is what will keep me grounded. I am allowed to cry because my sons are not with me this Christmas. I am allowed to be upset that all my dreams have been put on hold while I nurture my husband and our home to watch him do nothing but run the rat race. I can spaz when a flashback comes because too many someones touched me in the wrong way too many times. I don't like always being alone, yet I can't handle crowds, so I stay home, alone, on Christmas Eve while my husband is directing music for two programs at the church he has attended for 14yrs and directed music for 11yrs. Home alone on Christmas Eve with my facebook friends and my two cats.

I need to smile...

Let us not forget those who are not at peace this Holy Day Season.
John Lennon's Happy Xmas (the war is over)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S84RLgnz7Rs
Warning! The video contains actual war footage.

Women's History Inspirations

Solemn or sassy, women have always had something important to say.

If particular care and attention is not paid to the ladies, we are determined to forment a rebellion and will not hold ourselves bound by any laws in which we have no voice or representation.
Abigail Adams, U.S. First Lady, 1776

If women could go into your Congress, I think justice would soon be done to the Indians.
Sara Winnemucca, Piute tribe activist, 1883

I am prepared to sacrifice every so-called privilege I possess in order to have a few rights.
Inez Milholland, Suffragist 1909

Women more than men can strip war of its glamour and its out-of-date heroisms and patriotisms, and see it as a demon of destruction and hideous wrong.
Lillian Wald, reformer and peace activist, 1914

I was just born to swing, that's all.
Lil Hardin Armstrong, bandleader, 1930's

Modern dance isn't anything except one thing in my mind: the freedom of women in America.
Martha Graham, choreographer, 1946

Maybe we weren't at the Last Supper, but we're certainly going to be at the next one.
Bella Abzug, Congresswoman, 1977

I do not know the word 'quit.' Either I never did, or I have abolished it.
Susan Butcher, Iditarod winner, 1988

No matter how successful I become as a playwright, my mother would be thrilled to hear me tell her that I'd just lost twenty pounds, gotten married and become a lawyer.
Wendy Wasserstein, playwright

Never limit yourself because of others' limited imagination; never limit others because of your own limited imagination.
Mae Jemison, astronaut

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Timothy Leary

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
Roseanne Barr

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
Mother Theresa, social activist

How important it is for us to recognize and celebrate our heroes and she-roes!
Maya Angelou, African American poet

In politics if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher, British politician

[at Wellesley College Commencement] Somewhere out in this audience may even be someone who will one day follow in my footsteps, and preside over the White House as the President's spouse. I wish him well!
Barbara Bush, First Lady

[speech at Yale University] Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
Gloria Steinem, feminist

Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got.
Janis Joplin, American singer

We are coming down from our pedestal and up from the laundry room.
Bella Abzug, lawyer

Eleanor Roosevelt 1884-1962

Ms. Helen Keller 1880-1968

Monday thoughts...

When there is a long time issue between two people it is very interesting to watch it ebb and flow. Just when I am feeling better about the relationship, more secure and see a good direction being taken, that old issue comes and shoves me off the cliff. I don't want to see it coming so I focus on the positive. Well, that is becoming old. Since I am the one who feels that there is an issue, I guess it is up to me to take a different direction. It is time that I stop looking at the issue at all and start focusing on what I am able to do to help mySelf.

One more thing while I am here. My friend who says he supports my dreams and talents has never read my blog. I do not feel supported. It is more like I am an extra thought in his day. He would do all he could to try to convince me otherwise, however, if my blog is helping to ignite my passion for writing and you wish to do all you can to help me see my passion become more fruitful, then you would be reading the blog to give me feedback. Don't you think??

God grant me

Serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can, and

Wisdom to know the difference...

Happy Happy!!!

Friendship help smoothe life's rough spots

I am having a very difficult time organizing my thoughts right now. I feel OK most of the time, yet the words are not coming together. Is it because I feel pressure to stop being and jump back on the treadmill... because my medications alone will be costing us nearly $200 a month. That is not counting my therapist and psychiatrist and regular doctor nor the fuel to drive 40 minutes to get to them. Good I said it. I feel better now. It can always be worse. I so know that. I have been in worse situations, ones that I feared for my life, feared for my sanity. They tell me I am damaged but not insane. I would get more help if I was insane, but we don't really wanna go there. Bad humor, I know. Sometimes it is the only thing that helps. So lets find some humor, bad or otherwise.

The Sun it out!

The first time in several days. That is not unusual for Sandusky Ohio, the no sunshine part. This time next week we will be headed into Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. After that our days will start to lengthen. At first it will not be noticeable, yet before long I will be on the upside of this Autumnal spin. Every August as the days become noticeably shorter I start to shorten also. My patience, my energy, everything about me seems drained and devoid of any caring or happiness. Many people said it is "SAD" or Seasonal Affective Disorder. That is only part of my many reasons to become to far beyond just 'blue'.

The deeper, more troubling issues stem from my childhood of chaos. While I can say now that I know my parents were good people I also can say they were both mentally ill. I am working on my memoirs to help me understand the wiring (reason behind choices) that is there, in hopes of rewiring into a more healthy person.

It has been a good help and starting point to write here in my blog, yet difficult not just putting on here for everyone to read. I don't wish to do that yet, because my story is important enough that I would like it gone over by professional writers just to check my grammar and word usage. It is my intention to write it in a manner that anyone can read it and come out feeling touched in a good way, not just the tragedy.

The Sun is shining!! I feel blessed to have my life. Many days I think of throwing it away. Help me keep the Sun Shining by supporting me in my writings. You can do that by sending me good thoughts whenever I come to your mind, or writing me an email of encouragement. Keep reading!! I will write every day I am able. Namaste

I am as unique as a snowflake

Lost in a blizzard...

Even though I believe in my uniqueness, I feel lost in a world of mediocrity and strife. Just when I think my head is above water it goes and freezes on me causing exhaustion, smothering my light and deadening my soul.