©
10/1999
Who is this person who sits
to write?
Do I know her?
Mind is clear, too clear.
It is frightening not having
the chaos
that has become my life long
companion
The chaos that inspired so
many writings
The chaos that became- my
friend
Where has it gone
I wish it not back
Yet its absence frightens me
What am I to do without the
chaos running
Through my mind
Through my eyes
No longer feeling crazy
No longer seeing the visions
of the damned
A new life now and I know
not how to fill it
To live it to its fullest
To fill the days that were
once spent
In self-pity, depression,
and chaos
Maybe now with life, with
love and caring, with joy and praise
as a child untouched
I
hope I remember how
*****************************************************************
This feeling of relief has been given to me several times throughout my life. It is unfortunate that I can't say I have kept it for very long. The chaos whittles its way back into my mind each time less of a grip on my identity. Finding my Self and retaining happiness is an ongoing project, task, and journey. When I look back I must say that I am proud of mySelf for coming so far. To draw a map would be impossible because my mind does not always remember the trauma, only the feelings it brings.
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