I have been trying to write all of you something for 2 or more days now. I don't do well at Christmas... this year is especially difficult. Too many things aren't right, including my lack of gratetude... Sometimes I think, if I could just be more grateful for all the wonderful things in my life instead of wigging out about the not so great things, I would just get over my nervous ways. I wouldn't shake when I talk to some people, or pull on my hair or cry as soon as I hang up the phone. Happy thoughts, Happy thoughts.... that is what will keep me grounded. I am allowed to cry because my sons are not with me this Christmas. I am allowed to be upset that all my dreams have been put on hold while I nurture my husband and our home to watch him do nothing but run the rat race. I can spaz when a flashback comes because too many someones touched me in the wrong way too many times. I don't like always being alone, yet I can't handle crowds, so I stay home, alone, on Christmas Eve while my husband is directing music for two programs at the church he has attended for 14yrs and directed music for 11yrs. Home alone on Christmas Eve with my facebook friends and my two cats.