A Quest...

I am having a difficult time finding my 'healthy' voice. It may be because I don't have close friends that will talk with me about my past in order to stimulate memories. Is that because they and I are concerned it might put me in a funk? We will never know unless we try... So I am putting out into the universe to have a friend (new or old) come to me with the hopes of helping me recall, in a healthy way, my past in order to write my book. Sure it will be an emotional time. It wouldn't be worth reading if I did not put my heart into it. So some one out there who has no ulterior motives to help me reach into my past will come forth to help. Hopefully soon. Namaste

This makes me smile...

My homework...

My therapist is telling me I should investigate the emotions that are coming up when I feel an episode coming on.  My episodes tend to be all internalized causing me anxiety and withdrawal. For nearly 50 years I have been handling things poorly. Old wiring that is difficult to replace, but not impossible. I learned from an early age that emotions only created negative reactions from those near me. So when my husband gets the least little bit disjointed about me, I shut down. I don't defend myself, nor try to understand where he is coming from or what I am trying not to feel. Shut down! as been my only answer. If the shut down doesn't happen quick enough then I sees visions of me harming myself. Seldom cared through, yet still there.

Other ways I use to help numb the pain was drink or sleeping around. Again, I found out early how helpful momentary fixes these could be. Until I woke up with a hangover or could barely remember the man I was with the night before. If I did remember him, it was common for me to obsess over him while things where good for me. As soon as the excitement waned or he got too serious, I was off to another adventure to forget my true pain.

Oh yeah, I obsessed over Jesus for a spell too. Found out he was OK for some pains, but not them all. So now I attempt (I know. "There is no try. Only do" Yoda) to find that balance between expression and humanity that will not only cause me to do more than survive each day, but also survive a marriage.

I really wasn't sure what kind of mood I was in when I awoke this morning. Then as the coffee cleared the fog in my head I began to form a dialog with Jeff Dunham's Walter. Yes... Walter. Most older gents take a shine to me. I have a kind, flirtatious way that endears me to many men. Sometimes dangerously so. Well... anyway, not sure how this would actually go, in my mind it went both cheerful and caustic. I believe it would be most entertaining to go from sweet to strained. This would show a flirtatious side of us both and then how crass we can be when it is called for.

So if you do not know of Jeff Dunham, you can find some of his skits on YouTube. He has numerous characters (a couple I don't care for) and can be good for a belly laugh.

It is good to think silly... it keeps the shadows away. :-)

evening

the sun has come out
i hide from it
no light
for the self loathing

today

the numbness rings loudly
emptiness screams at nothing
tired from loneliness
fearing life

One size fits all...

Every thing seems out of focus this morning. Had a stressful Friday afternoon talking with medical insurance and prescription company. I managed through without a sedative and even went to my step-daughter's high school musical. Then Saturday afternoon my nerves became raw when a personal issue arose at home. I took a half sedative and it worked well to take that edgy, I wanna cut myself feeling away. I took another half 5 hours later when my husband started talking about available work that is posted in the local paper.

I know it would make things much more comfortable money wise, if I work. Yet reacting like I did causes me to question whether I am ready.

First Day of Spring!

Good day to all. It is early morning again here. I only slept 7 hours last night. Which should be just right. Yesterday I was able to complete several chores including returning a couple items to two different stores, picking up a couple items at a third store, running my son to his 12 step group meeting and having brunch with a good friend. Of course that happened outside the house. Inside the house, I did a load of laundry, took care of some drip dry garments which include mostly t-shirts and sweatpants because I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I was also able to tidy kitchen, sift litter box, crochet, put away some winter garments and chat with several friends on either facebook, text, or phone. All in all a good balanced day. Oh yes, I also stopped by to visit a friend who purchased my old truck and pick up my license plates from her.

Today's plan is more housework, I have already done my stretching this morning. There is more laundry... always. The bathrooms need attention. I need to transfer my license plates to my new Jeep (well 2003, new to me) pick up a few groceries and just enjoy life. I think I can handle all that. The weather is suppose to be wonderful again! Namaste to all.

I apologize for my absents this week. After 4 months of hiding and 2 months of longing to feel good enough with weather good enough, I spent the week outside as much as possible. This morning I am up before the sun and feeling tired. There is this habit I need to learn to balance. The habit of giving 110% in everything. That may sound weird that this is a problem, however, 110% leaves me too tired to continue with other life events and responsibilities. Like today... I just slept 11 hours and am still tired, my home is a mess with me too tired to do what needs to be done. Now if I learn to stop at 100% then I will balance out the rest of life along with the things that I really enjoy doing. Hope you all have a blessed day, or evening, depending on when you are reading this. I need to stay home and do a bit of housework and rest in between. Namaste

realize...

I stumble....

The rain eventually gave way to sunshine yesterday. Giving me a bit more energy and desire to be constructive. As I waited for my friends to arrive at the coffee shop, I crocheted. Then we sat and chatted for an hour and a half. Pleasant times. When arriving home I picked up my crocheting again in wait for my husband to return from work. We discussed what the plan for dinner was and changed it to going out to eat. While I am most happy with the little family diner a block away from our home, my husband had other thoughts. We went to the local mall and ate at a pub call 'Cheers.' A smaller place with good food and alcohol...

I do not drink, cannot drink, and will not drink alcohol, for with all my medications it would just be stupid. There are moments I feel stupid yet have not given in to the temptation for several weeks now. On the other hand, my husband is most fond of wine. When he chooses to drink he knows he does not touch me. One of my most sensitive triggers is smelling alcohol on a man. There were too many drinking men when I was too young. So while I have not asked him not to drink, I have told him that he is not allowed near me and that I will not be sleeping in our bed when he chooses to drink.

The reason I am choosing to share this is because it is a large stumbling stone for me. It makes it difficult to feel secure with him and a healing has to take place within me every time he chooses to drink. I love him, that is for certain. My heart breaks and this lack of intimacy happens as I try to regain my footing. Thank God I am strong enough now to see it, examine it, and do what is best for me and not lay in my own bed dreading and fearing him coming to bed.

My husband is a greatly patient and kind man. He has seen me through this last 6 month episode with hope and strength. I pray that we are able to meet on a healthy level to see this through. There was a long time that I blamed him and drinking for everything. Now in my healthier state of mind I see things for what they are. A hindrance, yes. A cause, no.   May you all honor my honesty and never use my words against me or anyone I mention... Judge not, least ye be judged.  Love, Light, and Laughter to all.

Today....

It is difficult to wake up this morning. Exhausted from yesterday. I took a sedative later in the afternoon because I could not settle down. In my anxiousness I was constructive by starting a new afghan for our living room. I was able to get this much done between 2 pm and 9 pm with a few interruptions like dinner and running back to the store for a yarn fix while this beautiful yarn is on sale.

Today the weather is rain and windy. Not sure what the temperature is. Yesterday was high 60's, sunshine and windy. Made it only a little difficult not to choose staying in to crochet and watch television. I am hoping for a balance between inside and out. I guess I hope for balance in all areas of my life, some days are easier than others.

I am starting to wake up as I have just started my second cup of coffee. The only thing planned today is to have coffee with friends this afternoon. Hope the rain lets up by then.

After yesterday's post it is difficult to know what to share next. I intend to write a book that I have worked on for years, not having been ready to share. Now, even though still painful, I feel ready to stop hiding the truth and allow people to know what I have come through. There are days I struggle to get out of bed, but all in all, I know I have a good life, a man that adores me and provides well for us and his children. With that I will depart for now to ponder my next post. Namaste

I had to see a new psychiatrist today. My Doc of almost 3 years changed jobs. So now I am in walking distance of my doctor that will perscribe my mental medications. His voice and demeanor is calming. There was not any point that I felt talked at or down to. He talked with me. That is comforting. The hard part came when I had to tell him my symptoms and history. To put my life into a nutshell is not easy. It is more like an iceberg. There is always more hidden rather than revealed, even when I wish to share.

In a nut shell. I was born to parents that were good people but losey parents. My father was bi-polar and my mother suffered from chronic depression. I am child number four of six children. My parents were not good with money. My mother beat me with a leather dog leash in front of all my friends for playing 'doctor' with the neighbor boys when I was 8 yrs old. I lost my virginity at the age of 12 to a 22 yr old man. He yelled at me afterwords causing me to feel like I could not even give myself away right. Between the ages of 12 to 18 somewhere around 100 men and boys had their way with me, including my brother-in-law and my older brother. I married the only boy that didn't try to screw me with my parents home. That marriage began six weeks after my 18th birthday. He would abuse me verbally and on occassion hit me. Our marriage would last 10 years and produce 2 wonderful sons. I chose to walk away from that life because I became involved with our neighbor. This relationship released many old feels of shame and excitement. My untreated depression would lead me to self medicate with sex and alcohol. The treatment of the neighbor would become degrading and controlling. It was difficult to feel that I deserved anything better. The next 5 years were spent with this man and would end with a gun incident at a local church with him going to prison for 2 years. Although he attempted to kill me he was only charged with having a firearm in public. Only one of the witnesses was willing to come forward without being summoned to court. With my second husband away I chose to go back to school. At 33 I became a freshman at our local university campus.

I went to school here one year, at which time I met a man that lived in Cleveland. I would move in with him and go to school there. We were together 3 years. At that time my mother was to go thru open heart surgery and my father was diagnosed terminal with cancer. I moved back here, to Sandusky to take care of my parents. My mother went thru surgery well and came home to help with Dad. He lasted another two months after Mom's surgery. Then Mom and I moved into a more suitable apartment for us. I remained with her for 3 years. Then getting a place of my own right above her apartment. This would last another 3 years at which time I met my current husband. We will be celeabrating our seventh wedding aniversery in a couple weeks.

Thru all the years I have sought help in one form or another. I gave my new doctor some details of my search for such help and its outcomes. Again, this is only a tip of the iceberg... Wish me luck...

Gratitude

The key to serenity...

My goals....

Do...

Why not?....

Sounds right to me...