I stumble....

The rain eventually gave way to sunshine yesterday. Giving me a bit more energy and desire to be constructive. As I waited for my friends to arrive at the coffee shop, I crocheted. Then we sat and chatted for an hour and a half. Pleasant times. When arriving home I picked up my crocheting again in wait for my husband to return from work. We discussed what the plan for dinner was and changed it to going out to eat. While I am most happy with the little family diner a block away from our home, my husband had other thoughts. We went to the local mall and ate at a pub call 'Cheers.' A smaller place with good food and alcohol...

I do not drink, cannot drink, and will not drink alcohol, for with all my medications it would just be stupid. There are moments I feel stupid yet have not given in to the temptation for several weeks now. On the other hand, my husband is most fond of wine. When he chooses to drink he knows he does not touch me. One of my most sensitive triggers is smelling alcohol on a man. There were too many drinking men when I was too young. So while I have not asked him not to drink, I have told him that he is not allowed near me and that I will not be sleeping in our bed when he chooses to drink.

The reason I am choosing to share this is because it is a large stumbling stone for me. It makes it difficult to feel secure with him and a healing has to take place within me every time he chooses to drink. I love him, that is for certain. My heart breaks and this lack of intimacy happens as I try to regain my footing. Thank God I am strong enough now to see it, examine it, and do what is best for me and not lay in my own bed dreading and fearing him coming to bed.

My husband is a greatly patient and kind man. He has seen me through this last 6 month episode with hope and strength. I pray that we are able to meet on a healthy level to see this through. There was a long time that I blamed him and drinking for everything. Now in my healthier state of mind I see things for what they are. A hindrance, yes. A cause, no.   May you all honor my honesty and never use my words against me or anyone I mention... Judge not, least ye be judged.  Love, Light, and Laughter to all.