I had to see a new psychiatrist today. My Doc of almost 3 years changed jobs. So now I am in walking distance of my doctor that will perscribe my mental medications. His voice and demeanor is calming. There was not any point that I felt talked at or down to. He talked with me. That is comforting. The hard part came when I had to tell him my symptoms and history. To put my life into a nutshell is not easy. It is more like an iceberg. There is always more hidden rather than revealed, even when I wish to share.

In a nut shell. I was born to parents that were good people but losey parents. My father was bi-polar and my mother suffered from chronic depression. I am child number four of six children. My parents were not good with money. My mother beat me with a leather dog leash in front of all my friends for playing 'doctor' with the neighbor boys when I was 8 yrs old. I lost my virginity at the age of 12 to a 22 yr old man. He yelled at me afterwords causing me to feel like I could not even give myself away right. Between the ages of 12 to 18 somewhere around 100 men and boys had their way with me, including my brother-in-law and my older brother. I married the only boy that didn't try to screw me with my parents home. That marriage began six weeks after my 18th birthday. He would abuse me verbally and on occassion hit me. Our marriage would last 10 years and produce 2 wonderful sons. I chose to walk away from that life because I became involved with our neighbor. This relationship released many old feels of shame and excitement. My untreated depression would lead me to self medicate with sex and alcohol. The treatment of the neighbor would become degrading and controlling. It was difficult to feel that I deserved anything better. The next 5 years were spent with this man and would end with a gun incident at a local church with him going to prison for 2 years. Although he attempted to kill me he was only charged with having a firearm in public. Only one of the witnesses was willing to come forward without being summoned to court. With my second husband away I chose to go back to school. At 33 I became a freshman at our local university campus.

I went to school here one year, at which time I met a man that lived in Cleveland. I would move in with him and go to school there. We were together 3 years. At that time my mother was to go thru open heart surgery and my father was diagnosed terminal with cancer. I moved back here, to Sandusky to take care of my parents. My mother went thru surgery well and came home to help with Dad. He lasted another two months after Mom's surgery. Then Mom and I moved into a more suitable apartment for us. I remained with her for 3 years. Then getting a place of my own right above her apartment. This would last another 3 years at which time I met my current husband. We will be celeabrating our seventh wedding aniversery in a couple weeks.

Thru all the years I have sought help in one form or another. I gave my new doctor some details of my search for such help and its outcomes. Again, this is only a tip of the iceberg... Wish me luck...