My therapist is telling me I should investigate the emotions that are coming up when I feel an episode coming on. My episodes tend to be all internalized causing me anxiety and withdrawal. For nearly 50 years I have been handling things poorly. Old wiring that is difficult to replace, but not impossible. I learned from an early age that emotions only created negative reactions from those near me. So when my husband gets the least little bit disjointed about me, I shut down. I don't defend myself, nor try to understand where he is coming from or what I am trying not to feel. Shut down! as been my only answer. If the shut down doesn't happen quick enough then I sees visions of me harming myself. Seldom cared through, yet still there.
Other ways I use to help numb the pain was drink or sleeping around. Again, I found out early how helpful momentary fixes these could be. Until I woke up with a hangover or could barely remember the man I was with the night before. If I did remember him, it was common for me to obsess over him while things where good for me. As soon as the excitement waned or he got too serious, I was off to another adventure to forget my true pain.
Oh yeah, I obsessed over Jesus for a spell too. Found out he was OK for some pains, but not them all. So now I attempt (I know. "There is no try. Only do" Yoda) to find that balance between expression and humanity that will not only cause me to do more than survive each day, but also survive a marriage.
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