HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

Out of Focus... only temporary



Starting a bit out of focus this morning.
Body aches and sinus have me distracted.

I am feeling uncertain about my state of well being.



I know this is temporary. The Joy is in there, somewhere.



 Things will become clear again, maybe once the sunrises.

Not Sure How I Feel Today.....

I am attempting to enjoy today for what today is.
Yesterday will have to wait until tomorrow to be examined.
Blessings

Journeys

She has everything

but wants more
and has nothing
for she never
finds peace in herself or

... the world around her

She is a collector
of people and things
eagerly chosen
for their value,
but forgotten
once purchased

The collection
continues to grow
...but she does not

It is unfortunate how many persons fall into such a state of mind. I must admit I had used shopping as a way to hide from self before.
Now I want for nothing. I many societies what I have is considered riches. Here I have a modest lifestyle. I want for nothing, I am happier than I have ever been. That happiness brings a safety that I never had felt. This safety cause the old wounds to surface, because it is now safe to expose them for proper healing.
I do not wish to relive any of my trauma. It is stuck in me, therefor We (all my loved ones and I) will slowly open those wounds to allow the feelings to be vomited onto printed page that it might now help some one else know they are not alone. Help others to see there is Hope, Light, and Love after the storms.
Sometimes the storm last so long... Reach for your Light, your Hope, your Love. I know not what form it may come in. You will know when It is there. You may fight against It at first. This facing old pains is not for the weak in Spirit. And if you have survived the Storm DO NOT let the after shocks take you out. Stand your ground. Know God Desires You To Be All That The Universe Intended.

Rain.....

Cold weather cometh and I am finding myself broken hearted once again
I should not say 'again' I shall say still

Broken by the many who should had protected me, should had loved me beyond measure
parents, siblings, relatives... and others...

my broken heart and rain soaked spirit is tired...

loss for words

I feel a loss of words today. Allow me to see if I may spark them. Kindle them into living, breathing, passionate words of recovery and celebration.

The mental anguish in which I do struggle with is not as powerful as my will to share with the world my journey from neglect, abuse, drug and alcohol missuse, and  a number of other ways I used to distract me from my pain into a relationship of unconditional love.

I have found some words in response to a post on facebook:

I would rather LOVE like I have never been hurt. HOPE like I know God gives me all the desires of my heart. TRUST that the Universe conspires only for our higher good. Blessings because the pain will pass, yet the memory of LOVE will remain.
~RuthAnn Brooker (c) 10272011

Napping kind of Day in Northern Ohio

I am having a much better day today. Yesterday started out stormy and cold, so I did too. The sun arrived near lunch time, yet I did not shake the blues away. Was anxious about afternoon appointment with my Doctor and Therapist. My therapist if awesome. I have never had such a thought provoking, challenging therapist in my life, and I have had a few. My doctor is good, yet English is not her first language and I fear she does not understand where I am coming from. Even though I probably sound like I came from outer space some times..... lol just kidding. We have to find humor amongst the chaos least we truly loose our heads.Then again maybe she knows where I am coming from more than I do??? Something to think about???

Well as we talked I shared some things I had not shared before which gave her more insight to me. As I spoke of who I was she asked, "Who are you now? Who is RuthAnn now? Tell me that." Without hesitation I stated. "I am an Angel, who brings joy and peace to others." She smiled and asked me to continue defining my 'self' until our next appointment. So I am asking assistance from any of you who don't mind joining my blog so you are able to make comments, or if you prefer privacy you may send an email to talkofhope.gatheringbutterflies@gmail.com What I would like from you is, how do you sense me as the author of this blog. I realize most of us have never met and that your perspective will be different from my own. That is what Humanity is about: Seeing others for who they are and loving them just that way.

I hope that the rest of your day or evening, if you are on the other side of out wonderful planet, is Blessed with peace, love, and harmony. Namaste, Blessed Be, Shalom, Blessings... (Help me by teaching me your salutation of choice.)

Today I feel like the wind is in control of me

That I am but dandelion seeds blowing over the world

However

I am a Lion having a bad Monday.... This too shall pass

More Sunday Thoughts

Sunday Thoughts

“The voice of beauty speaks softly;

    it creeps only into the most fully awakened souls”

     ~Friedrich Nietzsche~

  

“Live quietly in the moment

   and see the beauty of all before you.

      The future will take care of itself......”

           ~Paramahansa Yogananda~

Putting the past behind me.....

I find this a most difficult one as I am prone to making poor decisions do to my old wiring which is now causing PTSD and Agoraphobia. So send me all the well wishes you can and I am putting the rest in God's hands to do a good work for the greater good of my Higher Self. Namaste 10-22-11

Happy Souls

Mind numbing

I am feeling rather beaten up today. Intense session in therapy yesterday, gray day number 3 and I am still purging some old crap from my session yesterday. I realize I have a long journey ahead of me. One that will be neither smooth or quiet. Having started life as I did causes much deep hidden fears. I am hoping to stay focused enough to write as I know I need to. My life, my life, what about my life. It feels empty at the moment, yet this morning I loved my life. All of this is so confusing, so frustrating, so numbing. I know I should allow my feelings to be felt, how? I am barely functioning as it is. If I feel all there is to feel, even of just today's events I will be useless.

My younger son called today. He is in recovery for drugs. Had been clean for several weeks. He sounded stoned today. It hurt so bad, so terribly bad. I walked away from him and his brother when they were 2 and 6. I know that I did it because of my mental illness, yet how do I not blame myself for his choice. I know that answer in my head, not my heart. My heart brakes to hear him slur his words and carry on about something that makes no sense. I know I can not save him. I don't think he desires to be saved which makes me wonder how much of my mental issues have plagued him.

He is a good man. Kind, gentle, talented, and smart. He is legally blind because of a disease that his father passed to him. Even so, he has taught himself guitar, bass, keyboard, and does vocals. He has to play every thing by ear because he can not see the music to read it. He was part of a heavy metal band, Alas the bane. Now he chooses not his art but his hiding places. Will all of you agree with me that he will find his way and that opportunity will come for him beyond his biggest dreams.? Blessings 10212011

I love my life.....

I love my life, how it has turned this way and back. From hell once I came to travel a new road. This road too is steep, at times crumbling under me feet. My road is now a reflecting pool. I am to look into my childhood as I never have. In hopes to uncover that which my mind preferred hidden. The reflecting pool will shine up under the barriers that have hidden that pain filled memory, that cursed pain filled memory. So that I may life all my life within the light of happiness.

~ RuthAnn Brooker 10212011

Epiphany

As I spoke to my therapist the realization came to me that, if I wasn't feeling as safe, and loved, and cared for as I am. I would not be able to work on my self. I would be distracted by the everyday duties one has to care for one's self. In that caring that I am receiving from my husband, his family and my little sister I find my self angry with them, avoiding them. How dare they care so much that I feel safe enough to face my monsters.

There have been many persons in my life that I pushed away for that very reason. I was not ready to go into the dark, into the places my mind has up till now felt better left undisturbed. Now is the time to tiptoe into the dark. If I were to go in full force I may not return, so I will proceed with caution and the help of my loving husband, Ron, his family, my little sister, my chosen family of friends, and my therapist.

Ooups

Well, new look! because someone didn't backup before she started playing with the buttons. Don't sweat the small stuff, right? Well I am learning much, what to do and not to do, as in life. Will chat/blog more later. Off to the therapist I go, I go. High ho! Namaste

My Truth as of October 2000

I am currently not feeling a need for religion.  I believe in Jesus, however, I also believe He lived as a human being.  Therefore, He got drunk with the disciples and made love with Mary Magdalene.  If He had not experienced these thinks as a human, how could He ever say He truly understands our temptations?  The light from within us does not come from scrutinizing one another’s lives, but from simply accepting life on life’s terms and allowing the Light, the Love, the Being, to love us, therefore, loving ourselves.  You wonder how I could think that Jesus would or could do such a thing.  Making love is a beautiful gift from the Ultimate Love.  I didn’t say He violated her or humiliated her or demeaned her in any way.  He made love to her and for the first time in her life she realized it as a beautiful experience, an extension of herself, her self-love, and Love.

How can I say this, because I am Mary Magdalene?  I have never been paid for it, but up until about four years ago, it was rarely beautiful.  It was a physical act for physical pleasure, a way to escape reality.  It was my total self-worth.  If I couldn’t connect with you sexually, I didn’t feel of value.  Everything else in life was duty, not a response to Love.  Work, children, husband, and home, it all was what was expected of me.  So I went through the motions, thinking maybe I would find joy in them, but I had no true Light.  Just artificial light, religion flowed through my mechanical self, doing what was expected of me.  I did find joy in my sons, for a time.  Then the haunting of my self-worth indicator (sex) took over again.  My self-worth, of course, went to an all time low.  But today, making love with a friend is an extension of my Love for them.  It is not my self-worth, just an extension of self-love.  As long as we act in caring, respectful, honest ways toward one another, it is not a violation of self and therefore not wrong for me, for my lover, not against God.

Blasphemy! You say.  Why, because I feel and have more peace and joy in my heart, mind, and body than ever before?  Because the threat of mental instability has dissipated, no longer lingering, taunting me that I am not loved nor worthy of love?

Lord, have mercy!  Am I not only worthy of Love, I am Love.  I am part of God Almighty, made in His image and likeness, filled with His Holy Spirit!!  This was not made Truth to me until I was able to accept the fact that I am a sexual creature.  “Own it or it will own you!” was once quoted to me.

I am not saying this Truth is right for you, but don’t judge me by it,

but by the fruit I bare.

Words of Maher Baba

1)   To love God in the most practical way is to love our fellow beings.

2)   If we feel for others in the same way as we feel for our Dear Ones, we are loving God.

3)   If instead of finding fault in others we look within ourselves, we are loving God.

4)   If instead of robbing others to help ourselves, we rob our-self to help others, we are loving God.

5)   If we suffer in the sufferings of others and feel happiness in the happiness of others we are loving God.

6)   Instead of worrying over our own misfortunes we think ourselves more fortunate than many others we are loving God.

7)   If we endure our lot with patience and contentment, accepting it as His will we are loving God.

8)   If we understand and feel that the greatest act of devotion and worship to God is not to hurt or harm any of His beings we are loving God.

9)   To love God as He ought to be loved we must live for God and die for God, knowing that the goal of life is to love God and find Him as our own self.

Day two of this venture

Good evenin', Hope this find every one hanging in there, whether by 2 hands or one finger as long as you are hanging in! I have had a long day. I awoke at 0430 this morning, tried to lay back down at 9. I couldn't get back to sleep. So I sat back down in front of the computer and taught myself some more stuff. Don't ask me what stuff, but I do know I did new stuff. I remember getting frustrated. Then I remembered I am better at kick boxing than the computer and laughed.

Coming to know all the many 'friends' that I have touched and touched me thru their laughter, wisdom, tears, and grace has been most empowering to me. While I am feeling stronger/calmer, it was most difficult to go do couple errands today. I renewed the tags on the Honda and stopped at the ATM. BMV wasn't bad because they weren't terrible busy and at the counter was one of the many angels in my life. I did not know she was working there. When I first saw her as I walked in I thought,"Idont' want to see anybody I know." Then after a deep breath I realized how calming she can be for me. (In a smiley, fun kinda way) The gal next to her called me, which was OK. She asked how work was. "I haven't been there in about a month." I replied.

"I knew I had not seen you in a while. I have become a regular again." she said

"That is a good thing. Panic attacks, I am struggling with." nodding my head. Val nodded back knowingly.

"I guess I had my fill of the public," laughingly.

"I was gonna say, 'You done your time, baby, done your time.'"
I chucked as I left not breathing to bad, made it to the truck, locked my door and settled in to go to the  ATM.
At the bank there was only one parking spot. Right next to the door, this is a walk-up ATM, Perfect. A woman pulls up into the handicap spot next to me. I hurry as to not have to wait if she wanted the machine. She looked at me displeased. Starting my transaction she comes thru and hits me with the door. Nice huh? I am attempting to go as quickly as I can and she goes thru to the inside bank. My chest is hurting now. I tell myself to breath. My hands are not working right. I throw down my keys to try to work my hands better. I almost tear up. I press a wrong button and have to start again. I manage to finish, in what was probably record time, but felt like an hour. I gather everything. Rush to the truck and the door is locked. Fumble the keys again, set in the truck, deep breath, deep breath, not too fast. You are alright. OK. Someone wants my parking spot. I back up hoping she has given me enough room. Once out of the way I do up my seat belt. Hoping eating something solid will help me feel better, I call Joe Sundae's/Better Half Restaurant. I recognize the voice and address her by name. Order a patty melt and fries. I get the 4 minutes later. Not quite done. that is OK, not many people that time of day. I sit at the counter and wait. Pay and lovingly give each the girls a quarter. They know I tip well when I sit and eat. So they accept graciously and one heads straight for the gumball machine delighted. It was so sweet. I was glad to make her smile.
I got into the truck, drove the 2 blocks home and huffed up my 3 flights of stairs. After catching my breath I chowed down. Leo, my male cat was not impressed. Good more for me. Then cleaned up my plate, me and took my 3pm meds. Hot tea and facebook here I come. Worked on some more stuff. About 4pm Leo decides he needs some attention. I scoop him up and we go nap on the guest bed until Ron comes home from work. He is in and gone within a half hour to see his youngest in her soccer tournament. He is disappointed that I will not come, but getting use to it. Even when I felt well I didn't do many sports appearances. With it in the low 40's and high winds, you know I ain't going to stand out in no field. I know my limits and I am not in a mood to test them. So there.....

I believe that is enough of a rant for me this evening. Be Blessed

Hello World

RuthAnn here, starting out on a new adventure from the expansive space of the Internet. This adventure is in hopes of allowing others to read the story of my life to heal myself through their realization of not being alone in their pain and need of healing. May the many Angels and Gods of our world direct these words to the persons who need them most. Namaste