I am feeling rather beaten up today. Intense session in therapy yesterday, gray day number 3 and I am still purging some old crap from my session yesterday. I realize I have a long journey ahead of me. One that will be neither smooth or quiet. Having started life as I did causes much deep hidden fears. I am hoping to stay focused enough to write as I know I need to. My life, my life, what about my life. It feels empty at the moment, yet this morning I loved my life. All of this is so confusing, so frustrating, so numbing. I know I should allow my feelings to be felt, how? I am barely functioning as it is. If I feel all there is to feel, even of just today's events I will be useless.
My younger son called today. He is in recovery for drugs. Had been clean for several weeks. He sounded stoned today. It hurt so bad, so terribly bad. I walked away from him and his brother when they were 2 and 6. I know that I did it because of my mental illness, yet how do I not blame myself for his choice. I know that answer in my head, not my heart. My heart brakes to hear him slur his words and carry on about something that makes no sense. I know I can not save him. I don't think he desires to be saved which makes me wonder how much of my mental issues have plagued him.
He is a good man. Kind, gentle, talented, and smart. He is legally blind because of a disease that his father passed to him. Even so, he has taught himself guitar, bass, keyboard, and does vocals. He has to play every thing by ear because he can not see the music to read it. He was part of a heavy metal band, Alas the bane. Now he chooses not his art but his hiding places. Will all of you agree with me that he will find his way and that opportunity will come for him beyond his biggest dreams.? Blessings 10212011
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