Determination...

Let us try to...

Third day...

This is day three with Abilify. It causes me to feel like I have had several cups of coffee without the jitters. I am having trouble sitting still for more than a few minutes at a time and then I have to be doing something that has my attention. I am able to nap, which is good. The last nine months I have done little more than work on the computer. So I do need to nap after moving about the house doing cleaning and tending for 3-4 hours straight. My body is just out of shape. Focusing on my blog is a bit difficult, body wants to be in motion not sitting here. I am not feeling steady enough to drive too far.

I am not sure if this hyper activity is good or not. Yes, I am not depressed and sitting on my ass all day, but I am impatient. I just tried calling my medical insurance to ask what the new medication will cost and I ended up screaming at the phone because of the automated voice service. I hung up once, then called back only saying, "representative" to the system and I still had to say it five times before I was talking with a human. I don't understand how they can think this is anything but sucky service. But they don't care they are rich from all us sick people who are sick in the first place because of crappy food and too many prescriptions. there I am done ranting...
Blessings to all, Namaste.

New medication...

I started a new medication yesterday, Abilify. It is causing a weird spacey feeling so far, along with a need to do something. I will be stopping one of my older medications as soon as we know that I am sleeping alright without it. The weird feeling makes it difficult to write, so bear with me while I adjust.

Start of a good week...

I saw my psychiatrist today. He is pleased with my victories over flashbacks and triggers. One of the examples I gave was; when Ron and I were getting into the car Ron bumped his head and yelped in pain. The sound of his voice triggered a flashback of someone getting beaten. Panic raced through my entire being as I shouted, "What happened?" He calmly said he bumped his head. I, with panic still racing, asked if he was OK and he reassured me he was. I made myself focus on that moment  I was in right then. Breathing deep and telling myself all was fine, I was fine, Ron was fine, the panic slowly left my body and within a few minutes I was only feeling a minor amount of the residual panic. Each time I make myself do this, the easier it gets.

When I told Doc that I will be hearing about work this Wednesday he was pleased for me. The fact that I seem enthused and eager to work says a lot about how far I have come. I truly am excited, hoping and trusting that the Universe will supply just the right job to meet all my needs. More on that Wednesday evening.

Doc reassured me that it was reasonable that I felt invalidated when ever Ron responds to me saying something with, "That's the PTSD talking." I told him I was concerned that he would invalidate any thing I might decide is important. So at lunch today I asked Ron to not state it that way, even if that is what he believes. Ron sounded like he agreed with it and said he didn't realize he sounded so negative. I am also concerned that he only takes my "illness" seriously and not me. I have to be more confident and speak up when something feels wrong.

The office is a half mile from my home, so I walked today. I didn't time myself getting there, but I did coming back. I walked a half mile in 15 minutes. Not too bad. I shall do it more often. Good exercise and great weather lately. Thanks for stopping in to hear me ramble. Namaste

I needed...

A Happy Kitty Fix....

Smile... that is better...

Tell yourself:

Slowly learning...

Yet I am told to not hide or deny my emotions.... I guess the difference is how long you choose to say wrapped up in that emotion. A simple acknowledgment of "that hurt my feelings" as compared to staying in a bad mood for hours or even days because of someone's actions. That must be the difference of denial, acknowledgment and controlled....

Oh Happy Day!!

I just spent the morning with my neighbor lady. She is becoming disabled because of arthritis, so I attempt to assist her with a few things. 90% if not 95% of what comes out of her mouth is a complaint about someone. She can be so negative I find myself humming to drowned out her nagging. When I went on vacation last month she was beside herself with 'what will I do without you here?'  Well I kept my distance since then. So it had been a good month since we spent time together. I did not miss her complaining. Wow. I am Glad that I have now washed that away....

Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy! Let us do a little dance and laugh.

Words to ponder...

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~~erroneously credited to Nelson Mandela, yet written by Marianne Williamson

On the way...

My new therapist is about one half mile up the road, so this morning I walked. Along the way I pass through a lovely park. The dedication sign on a bench said, "Come sit with me awhile." Millie P. So I sat, and as I sat I noticed this wonderful tree over me. (I won't think it so wonderful later when I take a spider off of my arm...) The bench was a little wet from either the rain the evening before or the sprinklers that morning, so my backside became a bit wet. That did not bother me. However, a nervous lady who had been moving bench to bench made sure to tell me I was sitting in a wet spot. I nodded and said, "It is worth it." A smile still now comes over my face as I recall the fresh morning air, the birds, and the sound of the fountain near by. I wondered on whether I have any healthy clue of what I truly desire in life. Do I desire to stay married, yet find myself and grow on my own. Or do I desire to be single, working to support myself and my several cats, growing on my own that way. I guess the first healthy thing to do is to become healthy enough to work. So that is where I will start, on me, right now, where I am and see where that takes me.

Tree I sat under in the park.

Thanks Millie P.

Learning more...

From MHA's website:

What is a Dysfunctional Family and How Does it Lead to Co-dependency?
A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:

■An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.

■The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.


■The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.
Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited

I can relate to everything said here. Now what do I do with it?

Rough time...

I have not been well the last couple days. It is difficult to find the words to express the anxiety I am feeling or even why I am feeling it. Part may be the knowledge of my new therapist and understanding that she is going to take me to the next level of healing. Do I fear the process or the healing. I have had many flash backs since seeing her and understanding her technique. My husband and I had a disagreement last evening that led me to rake my fingernails across my forearm. I can still see some of the welts yet I did not draw any blood. The stinging pain distracted me from my mental chaos long enough to talk calmly to him and get ready for dinner. Susan desires for me to come up with some therapy goals. #1 would be to return to work. I pray I can...

Hanging with a smile...

Just holding on to hope today. I'll try to write more soon. Peace

New Day...

Good Morning, or afternoon, or what ever time it may be for you. My first appointment with my new therapist went well. She is professional, educated, well spoken, and friendly. Her name is Susan, she said she doesn't mind me using her name, which is nice. It is always easier to write when you are not trying to use fillers instead of the name.

I am a little blurry this morning, because I chose to take a sedative last night. It was and emotional day, also Ron interrupted me when I was attempting to talk about my son Noah and his father, defending the father, when that was not the issue. My feelings were the issue and he stopped me in my tracks so I shut down and went to bed...

Back to Susan, now that I got that off my chest. She adheres to the application of Dialectic Behavioral Therapy. Here is a good link to an explanation of it: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/an-overview-of-dialectical-behavior-therapy/all/1/ .  I am still learning about it myself. From our talk yesterday, I do feel hopeful. I gave her "my life in a nutshell" version of my story. Not in order, simply because it didn't come out that way.

My mind keeps wandering... chat more later.

What today holds...

Today I meet with my new therapist. I have told my story so many times, one would think I can recite it without much emotion. It is different when it is you are meeting a new therapist. This person is to form diagnostic and therapeutic summations and judgments based on her professional expertise. Or simply put, tell me what she believes will help me get through my ups and downs besides just medications. That is all for the good of my self. I must keep in mind that she is there to help even if she causes me to expose old pains I have buried so deep I can recall why they are there. That is the really kicker. I am exposing my story for her to expose the pain so as to help me live a more productive, abundant life. When I expose my story to others, it is in hopes for you to see you are not alone in your struggles. Sharing my story allows you to know that someone, even though I struggle, is making a positive difference in the lives of others.

Also today, I have a lunch date with a lovely lady that I met through Ron and church. She owns a retail specialty shop that she makes a comfortable living off of. In that fact I find her inspiring as both a business woman and a friend. She has said another lady has asked often of me at church and will be joining us. I am not sure how I feel about that. Mainly because I am not sure who the woman is. Hopefully I am in good spirits and not down from my appointment.

The title of this post causes me to think of all the things this day holds within it's grasp; Hope, Laughter, Peace, Coffee, maybe some ice cream... hugs and kisses...

I am going to make myself shower... chat more later.

Hangin' In...

it becomes difficult...

When you are up and down every other day.

On Saturday I was on cloud nine until my husband decides he is having wine with dinner. My therapist talked about out smarting my triggers. That is difficult when someone else holds the gun.

This is true for all of us dealing with PTSD. We have triggers that can send us into a fight or flight mode instantly. For me flight is my usual choice. However, I fly inside myself, hiding in computer games and or postings that sometimes help to pull me out of my own mire. While this is the most loving and safe home I have ever had in my entire life, there are still triggers that I Must discuss with my husband to help him make knowledgeable choices with his own life. This will help him, help me to avoid triggers.

Today I am starting out with some focus. I will attempt to update my blog pics and posts since I missed doing it yesterday. Today I the eighth time for the thousandth time that I am getting back up. Wish me success...

The Truth will help you feel better...

Since I allowed mySelf to release my anger toward my situation, I feel much better. My husband and I snuggled all night long. It had been a long time since I had allowed that to happen.

It is going to be a good day. Light, Love, and Laughter

Too much about Me....

I am in an angry phase with my husband. I have gone from grateful for all he does to angry that I am dependent on him. Instead of being grateful for his patience, his kindness, and all the work he does, I am angry that I feel like I cannot do this for myself. Angry that when we hold hands I feel like a little girl that can't cross the street or find my way. His hand right now has no romance or sensual feeling, loving yes but in a big brother love that I have also been taught to distrust.

I hate him because I don't know how to accept his unconditional love.

I hate that he is so good to me when I just want to run away and live by myself with 6 cats and my computer.

I hate that his unconditional love causes me emotional work that is painful and exhausting.

I hate myself for trying to use his few faults against him to justify my running away.

I am not going any where. I really do Love him. The acknowledgment of all this anger helps take away it's sting.

I feel better now. Not great, better. We will get to great later.

Namaste

a seed....

Slept well...

I took a klonopin with my bedtime medications to make sure. Sleep was not interrupted until 4 a.m. when my cats decided they had to make some grant noise wrestling. Went back to sleep to have them again at 5 a.m. let me know the sun was on the rise and the birds were singing and then again at 6 and 7 a.m. Finally made myself rise out of bed at 7:10 to drink COFFEE.... ha ha still on my first cup 30 minutes later.

Today, I have a lunch date with a former grade school teacher that I absolutely loved in 6th grade. Ms. Fairchild was her name then. She taught the special education students and requested aids from my class. When I was asked to help, I was so honored. There were few times any one had faith in my abilities to help other than clean house. One time I was helping a student see a word problem differently and they did! Ms. Fairchild said she would have to watch out for her job because I handled that so well. She was one of my seed planters. She planted a seed in me that I had long forgotten that I hope I will water now as I look for a new career.

As I recall that seed, I pray that I recall many of the good seeds given me by teachers and other adults that could see the brightness and intelligence that was shadowed by abuse, drugs, and sex.

Namaste

Finished...

I am forcing my brain to work just a little more to let you know that I made it through. I survived all my testing for the Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation. It is now 6:30 p.m. Ohio, USA time. The testing was complete around noon today. Then we discussed the next step in the process of helping me return to work. While I found the testing to be wonderfully challenging, I am most tired. This afternoon there was nothing left of me. I did not want to hear or work on the computer. I did not want to hear the television or read, so I slept. Now, after dinner, and Ron has gone to church for band practice. That is, his contemporary church band has rehearsal.

There is a point in my tiredness that concerns me. I fatigue and become distracted to the point that the thought of one more voice tenses me. The thought of my husband's touch causes my stomach to knot. The desire to be left alone is so strong that wish I lived alone. I am there now.

One of the things I had told my husband when I was working full time, is that there is not enough of me to work, take care of our home, and have a social life with him. When all collided together then I didn't have, didn't want any of it, basically, didn't want to live. Now I am gonna try again. The testing shows I have the smarts to handle a number of jobs. I kept saying that I knew that wasn't the problem. The problem is putting up with people who hate their own lives and try to make everyone else miserable also. The least little bit of stress causes panic. Just keep breathing, just keep breathing. I have to remind myself, "This is not brain surgery. No one is going to die even if they may be acting like it."

Wish me success....

End of Day Two...

I had a terrible time sleeping last night. The thoughts of the day rolling through my head, wondering what time of job I am able to handle. There is little doubt that I have the smarts to handle many jobs. It is in the stress or pressure that I begin to doubt my strength...

When I arrived home today, I took my medications, played with the cats, and crawled into bed for a two hour nap. Still feel weak from the busy day. I am enjoying the challenge that the testing is presenting. Being in a controlled atmosphere is helpful.

No Seagull today...

I forgot to share...

Yesterday at Vocational Evaluations; as I sat at the table, first to return from lunch, I heard a knock. Thinking that it was something outside, I looked to the only window in the room. The window was half covered do to an air conditioning unit. On top of the air conditioning unit was a seagull, which I call bay gulls because we are situated on Sandusky Bay. Anyway, I am uncertain if it could see it's reflection or to the inside. I laughed and continued with my reading. A few moments after the others returned there was  the knock again. I stated, "We have company." They both looked up questioningly. Once they saw the bay gull, the other test taker said, "It must be for you, since you saw it first." So I made a mental note to look up seagulls in the Animal Speak book that my friend owns. When we didn't find much in there we went online to http://www.animalspirits.com/ , where I found out:

The Gull Wisdom includes:
*Spiritual messengers
*Communication with deities
*Behaving Responsibly
*Ability to see from above situations
*Friendship

At first I thought it might mean Behaving Responsibly because of the steps I am taking to find work. Then, 'does it have a message for me?' or 'do I have a message for someone else?' Then again I thought of my ability to see from above situations as in knowing what needs to be said or done before all is said and done. Or is this a message of new friendship with the people I am meeting this week? The only one I didn't consider was Communicating with deities. I feel crazy enough, I don't even wanna go there. lol

So I just thought I would share that since I do feel it means something. Let see if he returns today.

End of Day One...

I am tired.... That is the most continual work (mental or physical) that I have done in nine months. Wow. I found it informative and fun. The test administrator is kind and funny. His demeanor put me at ease within the first half hour of being there. We started out with lists of jobs that may or may not interest me. I was to first underline any that sounded interesting to me, then reread the ones I underlined and circle the corresponding number if the job "wows" me. Wow was my term not his. After determining my top five job characteristics, we looked through a book corresponding those qualities to find more jobs that may fit me. We then started actual tests.... word recognition, vocabulary, word usage, then math.... I am pleased to say that I scored college level on all tests taken today. We have more tomorrow. He and I talked about my skills, interests, and job goals. My only job goal (besides have one) is that what ever I do needs to assist others in improving their lives. So we talked a little about being a Job Coach or Developer. We will test and talk tomorrow, write when I return. Namaste

day one...

I start my week of vocational rehabilitation evaluations today. I know there are no right or wrong answers, just be the best me. I don't have to keep up the smile and happy attitude because they can't fire me. We are there to find out what job suits me best with my PTSD. I have to remember to keep breathing and stay in the moment. I believe that is the best I can do for myself. Wish me peace.

Love...

"Love does not come from another. It comes from within. We must first learn to Love ourselves if we ever wish to fully understand what Love truly is. The Heart pulsates with Unconditional Love. Every beat of our Heart emits the beautiful vibrations of a Love that is without conditions or expectations. Unlike physical Love this type of Love will not ever let us down and it can never be taken away. Unconditional Love is the purest form of Love. It is eternal transcending both time and space. Love has been and always shall be free from all attachments and limitations. Once we learn to let our Love flow freely from within we may just go where no one's been." ~Paul Adkins

Anger...

I had a momentary revelation that I am very angry about most of my life. Anger is such a foreign feeling that is did not stay, yet brought a few tears. I feel very messed up today...

Patsy Cline's Crazy

I have awoken with these lyrics in my head:


Crazy
I'm crazy for feelin so lonely
I'm crazy
Crazy for feelin so blue


I knew
You'd love me as long as you wanted
And then someday 
You'd leave me for somebody new


Worry
Why do I let myself worry
Wondrin
What in the world did I do


Crazy
For thinkin that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for tryin 
And crazy for cryin
And I crazy for lovin you

It started with the "Worry" stanza. Can ya tell I am upset with my husband? This too shall pass....