Thursday...

Well, I have had a half a pot of coffee so far this morning. Been playing the mind numbing games on facebook while I wake up. The dishwasher is now empty and new dirty dishes put in. I still have a mass of hand washables on the counter. I am terrible about washing dishes. Maybe if I owned fewer I would be more compelled to wash them. Who knows??


Yesterday on facebook a gal I follow, https://www.facebook.com/Di.Riseborough.Intuitive.Life.Strategist
posted a question about being stranded on a desert island. I assumed there was plenty of fresh water, food and shelter as she asked what 3 material possessions would help keep your spirits up until rescued. My first reactions are what I put down; unlimited paper and pens, and a picture of my cats. I find it interesting that I did not say a picture of my family, husband, or sons. Right now and for a long time, I have only felt that my cats would have the hardest time without me. I am not quite sure what that says about my self-worth... That I should be grateful the Universe gave me cats when It did! That is all I have to say about that...


Well I did the kitchen all up and then my husband came home for lunch... Endless job... I had to bleach the cutting boards. Now I have the apartment to myself. Still jazzed up from all the coffee. So what are we going to do? I would like to ponder deep and meaningful thoughts, if I had any. I will go retrieve a couple from my facebook friends. I'll be back.

OK, what can we say about this statement? Do you agree? I do. I have had to handle so many unwanted traumatic situations that I am unsure who I am. I feel now that I am my husband's wife, not me. It is hard to believe that I will ever find me within marriage. I recall when I was living alone, how I decorated, what I wore day to day, who I hung out with. That has all changed, and not for the better. Even when I was working full time, I didn't hangout with friends. It was work and marriage. Very seldom did I see or spend time with girlfriends. I have a guy friend that I hang with often, however, we see Spiritually on totally different levels and I think that is what I am missing in my life. I need to speed less time on facebook and more time in meditation. That is what I could do for myself right now. That would mean less coffee also, as it would be near impossible to meditate right now. Spending time with Spirit will do me well.

Namaste

A Good Day!

It would not surprise me if many of you thought of me as weird to celebrate a bowel moment and shower. However, if any of you have suffered from constipation brought on by medication +/or stress, or have felt so low as to not shower or get dressed for 3, 5 sometimes 7 days in a row, you will realize what a celebration it is. Not that I care what you think of me. If I cared what you thought of me I would not be so honest here. What I do care about is that others suffering with similar illnesses are able to connect and not feel alone in their struggle to find health. Good days and bad days, we all have both. Yet when a good day is just the fact that you got out of bed it helps to see why we should celebrate every victory.

So Celebrate All Your Victories! No matter how small they seem to others. Namaste

Full of it...

Good morning, it is not as sleepy of a morning as yesterday. I am enjoying a cup of coffee as I write. When Doc asked me if I was depressed I really didn't think I was, yet this morning as I start my day I am not caring if I shower or not. I am wearing the same shirt I slept in the past four nights along with the shorts I have worn off and on for the past five days. I have changed undergarments but nothing else. When did I shower last?? That would have been four days ago. I did a quick sink bath since then. I think that classifies me more than just tired, I think I am struggling with depression again. That is not surprising since I have indulged in alcohol. It is a depressant. I did make myself do up most of the kitchen yesterday. My cat is meowing to play and I have so little energy for him. I also have not had a good bowel movement in a couple days. That's it! That is all that is wrong with me! I am full of crap! ha ha Wish it was just that simple...

20 minutes later... I have gotten rid of some of the crap!

My younger son asked me to call him this morning. No explanation, just "call me when you get up" in a text. and now he is not answering his phone. He can be a heavy sleeper so I am thinking he is just not hearing it. but since I have no idea where he may have slept last night I can only hope that he is alright. I will continue to call him every few minutes until he answers or I have to go to my therapy appointment. Deep breath... trust that all is as it needs to be... breathe... Happy thoughts, Happy thoughts!! I am trying to stay positive.

Another 20 minutes later.... I have showered!

The honesty of telling you how long it had been made me realize I needed to.

more ramblings...

Seeing Doc went well. He showed his concern about drinking alcohol by asking how it made me feel. I reinforced the fact that if I start drinking when I am anxious that I will only become more anxious. That is exactly what happened. I did not relax and have a better time. It did not make me more tolerable of all the drunk people around me, it only caused me to be more irritated by them, including my husband. He has suggested I meet with his female colleague for therapy since my current therapist is changing jobs. We did not change any medications this visit in order to allow me to recover from my most active month. We also discussed the upcoming vocational assessments and he said to not allow myself to worry and not to "put on the face of happiness" for them, but to be totally myself in order for their time to be most effective for me. When he asked if I was depressed I indicated my belief in the fact that I am exhausted from keeping the smile on all month and now I just need to rest. He seemed to understand that. That is when he asked of upcoming events that might be stressful and we spoke of vocational assessments. Talking of my son's choices and how my husband is handling my issues was brief yet important for him to know how my day to day stress is. It is hard to be your spouse's best friend when they need to vent about negative things in their life. I desire to be there for him yet at times I cannot deal with the anxiety it causes him, but I try. Maybe being a wife is all the full time job I can handle. I am curious to find out cause I do lousy here at times. Right now the laundry and kitchen both need tending to, as well as the cat box. Might should get off my ass and do something...

Ramblings...

I can barely stay awake, I am finally crashing from three weeks of handling things for it to be topped off with my younger son messing up again. His dad kicked him out, so he is now homeless. With his history I cannot trust him in my home nor will my nerves handle him being around much.

I am hoping my coffee will be enough to get me to Doc's this morning. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there, yet I know it is best I busy myself. There is laundry to do and the kitchen needs tending. I think I will just sit and chat with you till I have to leave for Doc's office. Drink coffee and munch on something. yeah, my appetite is weak also. Just want to eat junk that is right there and ready. Trying hard not to think about cutting myself to release the mental pains. It is interesting how when I physically hurt myself it eases the emotional pain or at least replaces it for the moment. which means I am probably stuffing the emotional pain just for it to come up some other time. That stinks. It feels like I am releasing it when in fact I am stuffing it again to just fester and come up bigger another time.

I just ate a piece of cold steak from when my father-in-law took us to dinner the other night. I was yummy even cold. Glad to have put some protein in me. Still a bit zombie eyed. on my second cup of coffee and have an hour before I have to leave.

Back to the emotional pain... emotional pain of not being a bigger part of raising my sons and now feeling like I need to do more for my younger yet I know not to enable his drug problem. He is also legally blind so that brings in a whole other factor in his unemployment and homelessness. I know I cannot learn this lesson for him, he must do this on his own now that he is 23 years old. So I pain, I weep for our loss of childhood together. I weep because I missed so much of his youth do to my own mental illness. My lack of self worth. I truly did not understand how I could hurt anyone because I was nothing, no one. How could anything I did affect my sons. I see now how messed up that thinking was and realize now that we are all connected. Some more than others, yet everything we do effect others, some we don't even know.

So in the bigger picture I know I need to find my strength to do all that is expected of me. Smile, do housework because I am not working outside our home. I need to be strong for my son to show him there is a way to get out of the mire. He is now 23 and I was 27 when I walked away from him, his brother and their father. Interesting. time for more coffee.

This crash is causing some physical pain also. I have been diagnosed with fibromyalga (not sure on spelling, computer doesn't recognize the word.) In reality I believe that I have one leg shorter than the other and my jaw, when relaxed closes poorly. and the combination of those two factors are causing my pain. I am no doctor, so I will bring these thoughts up to my physical doctor next time I see him.

I think I am done for now. Coffee is helping, should go shower before leaving house. I really don't feel like showering. That is one of my depression/lazy factors. I put the /lazy there because I am not sure if I don't care or the I just don't have the energy. I believe depression can look a lot like lazy at times. It just have deeper roots.

Maybe I am not done. Next week I go to vocational assessments. They will be from 9:30 am to 3 pm, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I need to pull myself together this week so as to not waste any one's time during the testing. So I give myself permission to crash out a bit this week so I can regain my strength for next week. I am curious as to what all we will be tested on. Both cognitive and physical capabilities is my understanding. As well as stamina. I know I am out of shape so that will be a factor in the stamina.

This week I see Doc today and my therapist tomorrow. I found out on my way home for NC that my therapist is accepting a new job. Which leaves me looking for a new therapist, again. I am sure she will have some referrals, yet the thought of starting with someone new is not appealing.

I just finished the last of the coffee, which gave me two and a half cups. I have to leave for Doc's in 30 minutes so there is no reason to start a new pot right now. I keep spacing out and my thoughts are not pretty. Everyone agree with me that I will share with Doc exactly what I need to share and nothing that will confuse my mental wellness with my physical exhaustion. Hope that makes sense. I know what I want to say, I just can't always find the right words.

I guess I should get ready to go. I leave in 10 minutes. Chat with you all later. Namaste

Remember and Honor....

Live and learn... hopefully...

Along with the stress of a 13 hour drive home are several other things that are pressing on me at the moment; my in-laws will be arriving later today to stay for two nights, my step daughters and husband are performing at my husbands church, and I have drank alcohol six out of the last eight evenings. Now that I am drinking again, (not something I plan to continue) it is easy to see the pattern of continuing. At first I drank to handle a situation, next I drank because my husband was drinking, now I desire a drink to numb the ugly thoughts that will only increase because of the drinking. wow, alcohol sucks. I see Doc in three days. I will handle things till then.

Struggling...

I am feeling rather confused today. Part of me is saying, "follow your dream" another part is say, "what is your dream" and yet another is saying, "you are ill and weak" and still another is saying, "Think positive, think strong and you will be strong." At different moments each is true, yet what will I allow to rule? My mental illness (PTSD) has cost me my job of eleven years and it's benefits. I am unsure of what I can handle in a work situation. I will be going through an evaluation of my skills to help me find work. That is coming up in a couple weeks. I am losing patience of sitting here waiting for life to happen. Yet I know not what to do to bring about the change I need. I don't even know what that change is...

I have returned...

Vacation was nice. A welcomed retreat from reality that I could have stayed with. So if anyone agrees that I should be living in a small home with a nice sitting room to talk/advice patrons on their spiritual walk somewhere along the Carolina coast let me know you believe also... 

The air was so fresh and clean. The sound of the surf was mesmerizing. The warmth of the sun was so good on my bones. I fell in love with Southport, NC. With the exception of the obvious lack of a melting pot. Unlike the north where one can see all of God's mankind in just about every city. The joy of bringing different cultures and/or belief systems together is something that energizes me.

The trees of this port town are phenomenal. I have always loved drawing trees and I have finally found the ones that I draw. A Southern Oak. I need to do more research and study my photos, yet as I looked at these gorgeous gods and goddesses I could see every tree I had ever drawn. I am still in awe as I recall their majesty and the town was full of them. One honored tree is estimated at 800 years old. It is the focal point in a small sitting park. I am already longing to return to this small coastal town to share in its joy of life.

Namaste

Yesterday...

The reason there was no post yesterday is that my mind was occupied with my upcoming vacation. It has always been a bit overwhelming to prepare for travel, yet I am usually fine once we are at our destination. Part of that is, if I forgot something there is nothing I can do about it then. So as long as I have my medications, everything else can be purchased if needed. Therefor I will keep breathing and make sure my meds are the first thing to get packed and I have two separate supplies in case one item is misplaced. 

Also, yesterday morning I had an interview with the Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation. This was to figure out what my next step in the process of being retrained for a new job or vocation. In the upcoming month I will be taking a three day vocational assessment. I am not sure what all the testing will be, but it will allow trained professionals to evaluate my cognitive, motor, and personality skills to see what jobs I am best at within the perimeters of my disability. Many of you are aware that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which limits my abilities to handle stressful situations and can be triggered without warning. A trigger can cause me to panic and shut down. In the past I was able to handle situations, including waiting on someone who had abused me in my youth only to take three days off work to regain my composer. It has become more and more difficult to contain my composer when around persons that trigger a memory or being in a crowd when I don't know who I might see and feel like I am unable to get away.

So this retraining will help me to find a job that has minimal in person people contact, yet utilizes my many skills. It will be interesting to hear about my testing. I have taken personality vocational test, but none that took three days of testing. I will be sure to share with you the results and the next step in our plan to get me back to work.

Have a Blessed Day, Namaste

Let's give them the week!

Trying to wake up...

After 13 hours of sleep. I still feel like I could sleep, but I know when I wake up every 40 minutes or so it is time to make myself get up. I have had one cup of coffee and looked at zombie pictures (yuck) and sleepwalking pictures, thinking I could find something to go with this post. Well I didn't, so you just have to read my ramblings as I attempt to wake up. I realize you don't 'have' to read them and I am pleased that you decide to stop in and see if my words are of interest or help today.

OK, enough. The 12 plus hours of sleep. Let me see if I can understand why I still don't wish to be up and about. Is it just the reaction of the alcohol with my medications? Could it be that I know I have SO much to do before vacation? Is it that I am ashamed of my shopping sprees I have taken lately knowing that I am not bringing in any money? Is it because my bowels are unhappy again? Probably all of the above. Yeah, most likely the combination of all these things have me desiring to hide from all. It works for a little while then my bowels wake me up. Ha! (Sorry if that is TMI, to much information) Humor helps me stay grounded. It is health to laugh at our selves. I read somewhere that laughing releases some of the same chemicals in the brain as crying. Most of the time I would rather laugh, yet crying has its place. I actually have a hard time crying. Don't allow myself that release. Might be because of having to be tough for so many years it is still difficult to be sensitive to that point. I am actually more sensitive to other's problems then my own. That is another reason it is difficult to be in public. Sometimes I pick up on energies that people are throwing out of their bodies and they don't even know it. So if I seem to not notice you in the store sometime, it is because I am staying focused on my task so I don't become overwhelmed by other's issues they don't realize they are giving off energy. Oh that was a good ramble!

Coffee is helping, still feel foggy. I really don't like this white screen I have to type this out on. I reread it on the blog because the purple background is so much easier on my eyes and finding mistakes comes much easier. More coffee, will be right back.

Loved up on Leopold, my cat, while I drank my coffee. Leopold decided our fun wasn't done. I am back again after playing with him a bit. I truly believe I would not have survived the past 2 years without my cats to distract me from my mental illness. It is amazing how when we are needed by others that we are capable to help them when we feel like we can't help our selves. As much as I try, I can't think of my self as important as I feel many of my friends are to the world. It has become apparent that many of you read my blog regularly and that is appreciated. So much appreciated that it keeps me coming back to write my thoughts, struggles, and victories here to share with you. If I were doing it just for myself I would not publish them, it does help me to share, even though I seldom have an email or comment, and watching the attendance counter shows you are visiting.

I think I am all talked out for now. Have a Blessed Day. Namaste

1:20 a.m....

The Derby Days Fundraiser Gala was wonderful! Nearly 350 people came to this annual event to encourage and support the local symphony in another season of musical history. All went well with the exception of me deciding to have a couple glasses of wine instead of my sedative. Not that I made a scene or anything. I just shouldn't be having alcohol with my medications and now after two and a half hours of sleep, I am wide awake. A common occurrence when I drink alcohol. There is also the fact that I don't like to encourage any alcoholic intake with the family history of abuse/self medicating. I am trying not to beat myself up for the drinks (as the lack of sleep will do that for me) for it has been quite some time since I had indulged. 

While at the Gala we bid on two items in the silent auction. First was a package to have your vehicle detailed inside and out. For those of you not familiar with the term detailed, it means to have your vehicle cleaned down to every detail. We did not win that package. Also we bid on a spa package for me! We won that one! So I have a spa day coming. Complete with facial, manicure, pedicure, and massage. I am looking forward to that! 

Our table had four other delightful couples and the conversation was plentiful. I attempted to keep up with all the chatter but felt left out often because of the size of the group. I prefer a quitter setting, one that I don't have to yell to be heard. My voice does not carry well, unless I am angry. So conversation was to a minimum for me. There was talk of movies and books. We are even hoping to have a movie night with one of the couples to watch older, favorite films.

We had this photo taken at the Gala. Well, this is a photo of the photo. That is the quickest way for me to add a physical photo to my computer. So the quality isn't the best, but you'll have an idea of how my husband and I look together.

That is all for now, it is 2:10 a.m. Share more later.

Short one today...

Slept well last night. Having trouble waking up. Leopold, my cat, is mewing up a storm. He wants to play but I am not awake enough. Today we go to the Gala. I will be having my nails done this morning. We are expected for appetizers at 5:30 pm. Ron leaves work at 5 pm, so I am guessing we will arrive at 6 pm. I hope I am happy with my outfit all put together.  here comes Leo... and there he goes. Funny cat. Starting to wake up. On my second cup of coffee. 

I realize much of my stress comes from my own imagination yet I could not tell you what it is I am thinking that is causing all the tension. It is not that a bunch of scenarios go through my mind. It is more like, just seeing myself in that crowd of so many people. Most of whom I do not know and the tension just builds. So I will attempt to distract myself from thinking about when I am there and just 'live in the moment' as they come. Wish me luck.

Another sleepless night...

Having trouble staying asleep again tonight. Not sure exactly why. My ears are bothering me a bit. Creepy, crawly, allergy ears. Any one with nasal/sinus allergies will understand that one. Also, the fundraiser is just two days away. I am not consciously thinking about it. The thoughts just pop in my head now and then. I am having my hair trimmed and colored this afternoon. I am not sure why I am awake, I will just make the best of my time and write.

Speaking of writing, I came across some journal entries from 2009May. Three years ago when I went into the hospital for diverticulitis. They reminded me that I had been on my one medication of depression since just before that. The one my new doctor has just weaned me off of. So I am not sure if my sleeplessness is due to stopping that medication but if this continues I will have to report it to my doctor. Too many nights without sleep won't be a good thing. My libido is also made a delightful and surprising return. So there are several changes most likely due to stopping that one medication. I am attempting to take a friends advise to not be afraid of happiness. That is a difficult one. So many times in my life when I thought I was happy there was this big lie in the middle of it, taunting my peace. When that lie, that ugliness, I chose to ignore, reared it's head, my peace would be shattered. I believe we all have some sort of ugliness in our lives that we know we can not change and have to learn to either accept or change our attitude about it. When we come to terms with it rather than ignore it we take its sting away. Yes, there is a family member that does things that are not healthy for their self or others. I cannot control any one but myself. Therefore my Peace should not be determined by someone else's behavior. When we realize that our Peace comes from within our self other's behavior has little power over our peace of mind. While I am able to state that fact, I also know that because of past trauma there are actions that trigger old fears. Old fears that cause my mind and body to either shut down or go into survival mode. Many times I go into survival mode to only shut down once the adrenalin is gone.

But instead of thinking of the old, let us think of the new. My renewed energy for life. My new knowledge of where my Peace comes from. My new desire to stop being ill. It was difficult typing that last one.When you have had a behavior, habit, or illness with you for so long, its familiarity has a comfort that is deadening. We become so use to it that the thought of its absents is frightening. I suppose that is part of why I fear happiness. It is so unfamiliar, so foreign, that it doesn't feel like it should belong to me. Some of you know exactly what I mean and others are going, 'what is she talking about'. The old saying, "familiarity breads contempt" is such a truth. We become so familiar, so comfortable with something, that even if that thing is torturing us the thought of its absence is horrifying. Whether it is an abuse family member or unpleasant job or even an physical ailment, it becomes part of who we are. When we face removing this thing we become frightened because we don't know who we will be without it. Who am I without mental illness? Who is this person, happy RuthAnn? What will happen when I become healthy enough to handle working again? All these questions frighten me. They cause me to wonder who I am, who can I be, who will I be? I pray I am strong enough to find out. Namaste  

Kitten Festival!

3 a.m. ramblings...

Having trouble sleeping tonight. I thought after staying up all day I would sleep well. 10 pm was my normal bedtime and I slept well for 3 1/2 hours. Now I am awake and wondering what to do. There is only so much that can be done while everyone else in the building is asleep. Being on the computer is one, yet I don't know what to write about and I am tired of the games on facebook. Abigail, one of my cats, wants to play. I threw her toy a couple times. It wouldn't be good to have her want that every night, so as soon as she seemed tired I stopped. Now I sit here staring at the computer, hoping something will stir in my mind to write. That is the worst part of feeling well. I have energy and clarity without knowing what to do with myself. Growing up in a home that the adults allowed their emotions to determine what they did that day (other than go to their jobs) makes it difficult to form routines in my life. I realize that it is now up to me how I conduct myself and that it is my responsibility to rewire my old thinking. Therefore when I make a past reference it is not to blame but only to help myself understand where some of my actions and responses stem from. Does that make them an excuse as to why I act the way I do? Some people may see it that way and at times so do I. There are other times that it feels like I don't know anything else. I respond through instinct not thoughts. There is an instinct to survive and sometimes the only way I feel I will survive is to zombie out and roll through the motions. It is said that to truly live is to be 'true' to one's self. How do you find one's self when survival is the goal? Survival of the moment, the hour, the situation or the day, sometimes that is all I hope for. Not to give in to the thoughts of quitting. Letting alone the thoughts of excelling.

Took a little break there. Had a granola bar and cup of tea.

3:10 am, staring at the computer again... It is interesting to reflect on my progress of the past few months. As many of you already know, back in September I had an emotional breakdown that lead to me losing my job. I was such a mess that I didn't leave my home for about four months, except for doctor appointments. This survival instinct has enabled me to 'act' my way through many situations. This calm, collected demeanor comes over me while on the inside I am screaming. Whether I am screaming at myself to cut myself or screaming at the person causing my frustration or screaming to run away, my insides are so tense and sickly knotted that when the situation is done I basically collapse. While that still happens now and then, however with my more controlled atmosphere it is less and less. When I do have such a situation it is difficult for others to even begin to think I am having any trouble at all. This survival instinct has been both a blessing and a curse as it has given people the idea that all is well with me, while in reality all I want to do is rip my skin off. Again, this is becoming less and less common, yet just as intense when it does occur. An example of what might set me off now is having to discuss money matters with my husband or talking to an automated answering system when all I want is to talk to a person. When I am in public and I think I see a person that had at one time violated me it is most difficult to contain myself in order to remove myself from the situation. When I can't leave the survival instinct kicks in and this calm collected person surfaces hoping I don't have to interact with said person or more common now, I stop breathing. This, of course, is not good. My breath becomes so shallow and tight that it becomes difficult not passing out. The 'survival persona' weakened to the point that I only felt safe in my home and that was questionable in my mind when my husband and I disagreed on something.

My mind just went blank on me... Leopold, my other cat, just jumped up and demanded some attention.

When I write and publish my thoughts it is in hopes that those reading this are helped in some way. Whether it is because they now know they are not alone in their struggles or that it is time to look for help dealing with a similar situation. I don't know how any of you react and maybe that is best because I am sure some of you read this just to look at another human life. What ever your reason for reading my blog, I hope some how it helps you. Namaste.

Tired Sunday...

Yeah Me! I did it! We left home just before 1 pm on Saturday, drove to Bowling Green for Ron's oldest's graduation ceremony from college. Sat there for three hours. From there we drove 20 minutes to a restaurant in which we waited yet another hour to be seated. Ate dinner, which took us to 8 pm at which time we returned to Graduation Girl's apartment to move her back home. We put 2/3s of her stuff in storage as she is returning after summer for a job. We finished and was able to return home at midnight. So just short of 12 hours out and about doing an adventure I did not wish to be part of. I actually had fun once the ceremony was done and before I began to get tired. My dear sweet husband had to be up at 6 am to be at church on time. He is the music director for two services. I know I feel like I could sleep all day, I am sure he will be ready for a nap after lunch.

Ron's life is busy like this often. I have a most difficult time even imagining going at this pace for more than a day once in a while. I try to keep everything at home done up since he works so often and I am not working out of the house at this time. Not sure if I ever will but I am investigating possibilities. I am pleased with keeping up with the adventure yesterday and hope I don't have that busy of a day for a while. Namaste

Let us find some humor

in my emotional exhaustion.

....

Raining
inside my soul
the ghostly pain
lingers on the edge
of every thought
nothing works
to numb....

Is??

My mind is all over the place, attempting to keep away the emotional pain. It lingers there, right on the edge of every other thought. On the very edge of every thought is this twisted pain that lacks words and is a jumble of emotion, hanging there in hopes of forming into something audible, something that can be expressed, something that weighs heavy on my tongue eager to to take shape in order to escape the prison of my mind.




They say I am normal. Normal for someone who has been through what I have been through. Two parents that were mentally ill, caught up in their own nightmares. Having been sexually abused from an early age by boys and men in our neighborhood. Not knowing how beautiful I was and how I felt my only value was my physical body until well into my thirties. Knowing violence, violation, trauma, low self-esteem all the things that would walk me into abusive marriages. And now, am I brave or stupid for putting all my pain out here? I believe brave. If there are no more secrets no one can have power over me. It is not my fault grown men were not man enough to admire my youthful beauty from afar and had to act upon it, violating an unspoken trust of an adult. It is not my fault my parents were too self absorbed in their own illnesses to understand that their children were hurt by it. It is not my fault that my first two husbands had to raise a hand to me, hit me around, bully me to feel better about themselves.

Is it my fault that I now am unable to unload enough of that bullshit to function productively? Is it my fault that I have to desire to deal with other people's drama they bring out into the public to dispense? Is it my fault that it is easier to take a sedative than to tell myself to breathe, relax, it will be OK? Is it my fault I am tired?

Realizations....

Saw my psyche doc yesterday. I am learning new things about myself all the time. Things like accepting that my husband's touch isn't always sexual, sometimes it is just loving. That is a new, good feeling that reassures my safety with him. Things like, I feel safer now than ever before in my life. That brings two issues; one, that safety is scary when you have never felt it before; two, emotions I had stuffed and guarded are now coming to the surface to cause unexpected behaviors. It is now safe to feel the mixed emotions of being violated in my youth. Now I believe I need to face them in order for them to heal and pass out of me so I may live a healthy productive life.

Another thing is that I am loved. Twenty plus years ago when I walked out on ten years of marriage and two young sons, I truly did not feel enough self-worth to think that it would matter to them. I had no clue how a decision I would make could hurt them. I was no one. I did not matter, not even to these two little boys. I was so messed up I couldn't see that I was hurting them. Still learning to forgive myself on that one.

Well my safety mechanism just kicked in and took my mind elsewhere. Not sure what I want to say next, so I shall stop for now. Too much pain.

At least I am smiling...