Ramblings...

I can barely stay awake, I am finally crashing from three weeks of handling things for it to be topped off with my younger son messing up again. His dad kicked him out, so he is now homeless. With his history I cannot trust him in my home nor will my nerves handle him being around much.

I am hoping my coffee will be enough to get me to Doc's this morning. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there, yet I know it is best I busy myself. There is laundry to do and the kitchen needs tending. I think I will just sit and chat with you till I have to leave for Doc's office. Drink coffee and munch on something. yeah, my appetite is weak also. Just want to eat junk that is right there and ready. Trying hard not to think about cutting myself to release the mental pains. It is interesting how when I physically hurt myself it eases the emotional pain or at least replaces it for the moment. which means I am probably stuffing the emotional pain just for it to come up some other time. That stinks. It feels like I am releasing it when in fact I am stuffing it again to just fester and come up bigger another time.

I just ate a piece of cold steak from when my father-in-law took us to dinner the other night. I was yummy even cold. Glad to have put some protein in me. Still a bit zombie eyed. on my second cup of coffee and have an hour before I have to leave.

Back to the emotional pain... emotional pain of not being a bigger part of raising my sons and now feeling like I need to do more for my younger yet I know not to enable his drug problem. He is also legally blind so that brings in a whole other factor in his unemployment and homelessness. I know I cannot learn this lesson for him, he must do this on his own now that he is 23 years old. So I pain, I weep for our loss of childhood together. I weep because I missed so much of his youth do to my own mental illness. My lack of self worth. I truly did not understand how I could hurt anyone because I was nothing, no one. How could anything I did affect my sons. I see now how messed up that thinking was and realize now that we are all connected. Some more than others, yet everything we do effect others, some we don't even know.

So in the bigger picture I know I need to find my strength to do all that is expected of me. Smile, do housework because I am not working outside our home. I need to be strong for my son to show him there is a way to get out of the mire. He is now 23 and I was 27 when I walked away from him, his brother and their father. Interesting. time for more coffee.

This crash is causing some physical pain also. I have been diagnosed with fibromyalga (not sure on spelling, computer doesn't recognize the word.) In reality I believe that I have one leg shorter than the other and my jaw, when relaxed closes poorly. and the combination of those two factors are causing my pain. I am no doctor, so I will bring these thoughts up to my physical doctor next time I see him.

I think I am done for now. Coffee is helping, should go shower before leaving house. I really don't feel like showering. That is one of my depression/lazy factors. I put the /lazy there because I am not sure if I don't care or the I just don't have the energy. I believe depression can look a lot like lazy at times. It just have deeper roots.

Maybe I am not done. Next week I go to vocational assessments. They will be from 9:30 am to 3 pm, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I need to pull myself together this week so as to not waste any one's time during the testing. So I give myself permission to crash out a bit this week so I can regain my strength for next week. I am curious as to what all we will be tested on. Both cognitive and physical capabilities is my understanding. As well as stamina. I know I am out of shape so that will be a factor in the stamina.

This week I see Doc today and my therapist tomorrow. I found out on my way home for NC that my therapist is accepting a new job. Which leaves me looking for a new therapist, again. I am sure she will have some referrals, yet the thought of starting with someone new is not appealing.

I just finished the last of the coffee, which gave me two and a half cups. I have to leave for Doc's in 30 minutes so there is no reason to start a new pot right now. I keep spacing out and my thoughts are not pretty. Everyone agree with me that I will share with Doc exactly what I need to share and nothing that will confuse my mental wellness with my physical exhaustion. Hope that makes sense. I know what I want to say, I just can't always find the right words.

I guess I should get ready to go. I leave in 10 minutes. Chat with you all later. Namaste