Having trouble sleeping tonight. I thought after staying up all day I would sleep well. 10 pm was my normal bedtime and I slept well for 3 1/2 hours. Now I am awake and wondering what to do. There is only so much that can be done while everyone else in the building is asleep. Being on the computer is one, yet I don't know what to write about and I am tired of the games on facebook. Abigail, one of my cats, wants to play. I threw her toy a couple times. It wouldn't be good to have her want that every night, so as soon as she seemed tired I stopped. Now I sit here staring at the computer, hoping something will stir in my mind to write. That is the worst part of feeling well. I have energy and clarity without knowing what to do with myself. Growing up in a home that the adults allowed their emotions to determine what they did that day (other than go to their jobs) makes it difficult to form routines in my life. I realize that it is now up to me how I conduct myself and that it is my responsibility to rewire my old thinking. Therefore when I make a past reference it is not to blame but only to help myself understand where some of my actions and responses stem from. Does that make them an excuse as to why I act the way I do? Some people may see it that way and at times so do I. There are other times that it feels like I don't know anything else. I respond through instinct not thoughts. There is an instinct to survive and sometimes the only way I feel I will survive is to zombie out and roll through the motions. It is said that to truly live is to be 'true' to one's self. How do you find one's self when survival is the goal? Survival of the moment, the hour, the situation or the day, sometimes that is all I hope for. Not to give in to the thoughts of quitting. Letting alone the thoughts of excelling.
Took a little break there. Had a granola bar and cup of tea.
3:10 am, staring at the computer again... It is interesting to reflect on my progress of the past few months. As many of you already know, back in September I had an emotional breakdown that lead to me losing my job. I was such a mess that I didn't leave my home for about four months, except for doctor appointments. This survival instinct has enabled me to 'act' my way through many situations. This calm, collected demeanor comes over me while on the inside I am screaming. Whether I am screaming at myself to cut myself or screaming at the person causing my frustration or screaming to run away, my insides are so tense and sickly knotted that when the situation is done I basically collapse. While that still happens now and then, however with my more controlled atmosphere it is less and less. When I do have such a situation it is difficult for others to even begin to think I am having any trouble at all. This survival instinct has been both a blessing and a curse as it has given people the idea that all is well with me, while in reality all I want to do is rip my skin off. Again, this is becoming less and less common, yet just as intense when it does occur. An example of what might set me off now is having to discuss money matters with my husband or talking to an automated answering system when all I want is to talk to a person. When I am in public and I think I see a person that had at one time violated me it is most difficult to contain myself in order to remove myself from the situation. When I can't leave the survival instinct kicks in and this calm collected person surfaces hoping I don't have to interact with said person or more common now, I stop breathing. This, of course, is not good. My breath becomes so shallow and tight that it becomes difficult not passing out. The 'survival persona' weakened to the point that I only felt safe in my home and that was questionable in my mind when my husband and I disagreed on something.
My mind just went blank on me... Leopold, my other cat, just jumped up and demanded some attention.
When I write and publish my thoughts it is in hopes that those reading this are helped in some way. Whether it is because they now know they are not alone in their struggles or that it is time to look for help dealing with a similar situation. I don't know how any of you react and maybe that is best because I am sure some of you read this just to look at another human life. What ever your reason for reading my blog, I hope some how it helps you. Namaste.
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