Having trouble staying asleep again tonight. Not sure exactly why. My ears are bothering me a bit. Creepy, crawly, allergy ears. Any one with nasal/sinus allergies will understand that one. Also, the fundraiser is just two days away. I am not consciously thinking about it. The thoughts just pop in my head now and then. I am having my hair trimmed and colored this afternoon. I am not sure why I am awake, I will just make the best of my time and write.
Speaking of writing, I came across some journal entries from 2009May. Three years ago when I went into the hospital for diverticulitis. They reminded me that I had been on my one medication of depression since just before that. The one my new doctor has just weaned me off of. So I am not sure if my sleeplessness is due to stopping that medication but if this continues I will have to report it to my doctor. Too many nights without sleep won't be a good thing. My libido is also made a delightful and surprising return. So there are several changes most likely due to stopping that one medication. I am attempting to take a friends advise to not be afraid of happiness. That is a difficult one. So many times in my life when I thought I was happy there was this big lie in the middle of it, taunting my peace. When that lie, that ugliness, I chose to ignore, reared it's head, my peace would be shattered. I believe we all have some sort of ugliness in our lives that we know we can not change and have to learn to either accept or change our attitude about it. When we come to terms with it rather than ignore it we take its sting away. Yes, there is a family member that does things that are not healthy for their self or others. I cannot control any one but myself. Therefore my Peace should not be determined by someone else's behavior. When we realize that our Peace comes from within our self other's behavior has little power over our peace of mind. While I am able to state that fact, I also know that because of past trauma there are actions that trigger old fears. Old fears that cause my mind and body to either shut down or go into survival mode. Many times I go into survival mode to only shut down once the adrenalin is gone.
But instead of thinking of the old, let us think of the new. My renewed energy for life. My new knowledge of where my Peace comes from. My new desire to stop being ill. It was difficult typing that last one.When you have had a behavior, habit, or illness with you for so long, its familiarity has a comfort that is deadening. We become so use to it that the thought of its absents is frightening. I suppose that is part of why I fear happiness. It is so unfamiliar, so foreign, that it doesn't feel like it should belong to me. Some of you know exactly what I mean and others are going, 'what is she talking about'. The old saying, "familiarity breads contempt" is such a truth. We become so familiar, so comfortable with something, that even if that thing is torturing us the thought of its absence is horrifying. Whether it is an abuse family member or unpleasant job or even an physical ailment, it becomes part of who we are. When we face removing this thing we become frightened because we don't know who we will be without it. Who am I without mental illness? Who is this person, happy RuthAnn? What will happen when I become healthy enough to handle working again? All these questions frighten me. They cause me to wonder who I am, who can I be, who will I be? I pray I am strong enough to find out. Namaste
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