Saw my psyche doc yesterday. I am learning new things about myself all the time. Things like accepting that my husband's touch isn't always sexual, sometimes it is just loving. That is a new, good feeling that reassures my safety with him. Things like, I feel safer now than ever before in my life. That brings two issues; one, that safety is scary when you have never felt it before; two, emotions I had stuffed and guarded are now coming to the surface to cause unexpected behaviors. It is now safe to feel the mixed emotions of being violated in my youth. Now I believe I need to face them in order for them to heal and pass out of me so I may live a healthy productive life.
Another thing is that I am loved. Twenty plus years ago when I walked out on ten years of marriage and two young sons, I truly did not feel enough self-worth to think that it would matter to them. I had no clue how a decision I would make could hurt them. I was no one. I did not matter, not even to these two little boys. I was so messed up I couldn't see that I was hurting them. Still learning to forgive myself on that one.
Well my safety mechanism just kicked in and took my mind elsewhere. Not sure what I want to say next, so I shall stop for now. Too much pain.
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