A new month...

There is a full moon this first night of August, the time is 1:50 a. m. and I am here wide awake with my computer. New medication is making it difficult to sleep more than an hour at a time. What happens is I sleep about 3 hours when I first go to bed then the rest of the night I am awake every hour, leaving me like a zombie in the morning. ha ha that sounds like a bad line from a bad movie. "I hate zombies first thing in the morning" Oh well, maybe I am not as awake as I thought. At least I am able to laugh at myself.

I will be turning 50 years old this coming Sunday, August 5th. It is interesting how your age just becomes a number and not a defining character of one's self. Yet there are times that I do use it that way. I guess it depends on if I "feel" the number 50 states in part how I am feeling. It sounds old yet in reality it is not. I hate seeing me turn into my mother. I always described her as old because she did so little physical activity. While growing up, my clearest memories of her is of her sitting at the kitchen table with coffee, cigarette and either a book or the television. Books when I was very young, as televisions didn't become common until I was in my teens. Mom had me when she was 34. She always seemed so old, never getting on the floor to play with us or even joining us for a board game or to play tea party. She just sat at the kitchen table all day unless she was preparing a meal. My sister made a comment a while back about us kids being so ''out of control''. I never thought about it that way, yet we were. My mother never taught us any discipline within ourselves and Dad just expected it when he was around, which was rare.

Well, anyway. Happy 50th Birthday to me. May I find it within myself to have fun.

Hugs and Smiles...

A Light....

When Buddha was on his death bed he noticed his young disciple Anan was weeping.

'Why are you weeping, Anan?' he asked.

'Because the light of the world is about to be extinguished and we will be in darkness.'

The Buddha summoned up all his remaining energy and spoke what were to be his final 


words on earth:

'Anan, Anan, be a light unto yourself.'

This is one of my favorite stories about the Buddha taken from Buddhist scriptures. Today, 


how are you being a light unto yourself?

Stepping out.....

am I willing to venture there?

Another adjustment

My psyche doctor stopped one medication that he does not like to use that my old doctor put me on. He also added Abilify. While this is supposed to help with motivation and energy, I find myself in need of naps throughout the day. I guess that makes sense, if you think of the fact that I have not been motivated to much of anything physical for about 10 months, it only stands to reason that I would need naps as my body gets back in shape. I have gotten in such a habit of having coffee in the morning and with Abilify I am drinking less. This in only my second day of the higher dose. He started me on it about a month ago. The part I don't like is that it is harder to sit still and think. Therefor I have been having trouble posting. Maybe if I try in the evening rather than morning, yet that depends on whether my husband has the television on. I can always ask him to move to the other room while I post. I'll figure it out. In the mean time I ask that you are patient with me and my posts.

Easier said than done...

Mindfulness...

The past few days I have tried to keep more physically busy, doing needlepoint, laundry and other house chores. It is interesting to find that I am much more content when busy rather than deeply pondering how I am feeling. The bad part of this is that when an ugly memory comes if I only suppress it or let is slide off it will return stronger and stronger until I look at it to see where it came from. Needing to know it's origin is both frightening and healing. Allow me to give you an example:

While playing scrabble with Ron, a few nights ago, I placed my word and he showed frustration because I took his spot to play his word. A flood of dread came over me. I was recalling a time when I was playing with my parents. I was approximately 30 years old. I placed a word I was most pleased with. Instantly my father shouts in full voice, "You could ruin a funeral." I cannot begin to tell you the disappointment and dread that washed over my entire being. As I played the word in Ron and I's game and he voiced his frustration, I felt that same devastation. I made myself tell Ron the story and he assured me that he was frustrated with the game not me. That was such a help to know that I was not being blamed as my father blatantly did. Now Ron and I joke with one another and happily shout ''ruin a funeral'' when we take each other's spot. It is so healing to find humor in the dread that my father beset deep inside of me. There is a reassuring feeling within me that we have defused several other times that my father blamed me for such stupid shit.

So to realize the origin of the dread that washed over me, face it, share it, cry if I need to, allows me to then defuse it.

Vocational Rehabilitation update: still waiting for call for next meeting to discuss findings of assessment.

Namaste

A New Week Starts...

I survived this past week of clerical assessments, not with flying colors, but I managed. It is good that it was not a job and only a test of what I could handle both skill wise and physically. While I know how to handle Word fairly well, my skill level with the other Office programs is beginner with a high level of learning the software. On the physical/psychological factors I was terribly distracted by any exterior noise and the stress of the reception desk is more then I am willing to handle at this point. So all in all I am glad it was not a job, because I wouldn't still have the job if it were.

The next step in the vocational rehabilitation is to review the report written by my instructor of this past week. Utilizing his recommendations I will go to the Job Developer to see what jobs are available in the area that fit my ability situation. I am both anxious and eager to go back to work, trying diligently to be kind and patient with myself.

For some reason I just had a troubling memory about how when I was about 13 years I would put myself in situations that set me up to be gang banged. Following that was how my brother (one year older) would take me to parties and I was giving all the drugs I cared to handle so that I would then be passed around to any of the boys there that wanted me. Just a memory, not a flashback, this fact does not say who I am today, it only has made me stronger.

As bad as I have been treated by some men, I still realize there are some good ones out there, because I have one. He is not perfect, but then again, neither am I.

Have a Blessed Day! Namaste

Day 4 of Assessments...

I was having a most difficult time thinking about going in for the assessment today. When all of a sudden I realized it was because I just couldn't go back on the reception desk. So after realizing this was causing me to actually feel ill, I call my instructor and indicated I would not be able to do the reception area. He seemed a little surprised, yet understanding. I also stated that I would let my case worker know of this dilemma. I felt so much better knowing I didn't have to do the desk and was just going to finish up my MicroSoft Office tests. As I prepared to leave, like ready to walk out the door, Mark called back an stated that we only needed one more day to finish up and that if I wished I could take today off and finish up tomorrow. So that is the plan. I am home for the day!!

Noah also called and will be going to a ''clean house''. That is a half way house for recovering addicts to get a footing in the real world while not having peer pressure to use. He is in another city, which I believe will do him well. My heart is with him as he battles this demon. He is a good man, he deserves to be and do well.

Have a Blessed Day!

A Good Day...

Today the assessment seems to be going better. The software is lining up with the actual tests and I survived an hour on the reception desk with the normal gal. I answered the phone twice, no actually three times. The first time I lost the call, she called back and then I answered another call. I was glad it wasn't very busy and I didn't have to use the intercom system and yell through the building for any one! The thought of my voice on a loud speaker freaks me out!

According to the tests, I type at approximately 33 wpm with 97% accuracy. Also, I am teachable on MicroSoft Office 2007. Word is old hat for me, but I have little knowledge of the other programs other than they exist. I have more Office testing the next two days and more time on reception desk.

All in all a good day. Therapy went well. I took myself to brunch in between therapy and work. So I think it helped to go in with a full belly. I didn't even eat the snack I brought along till I just got home. I did buy a diet mountain dew though, only drank a little over half. The rest is in the refrigerator.

This too shall pass???

This assessment is kicking my butt. I am so very tired and depressed. Rather than seeing this as an opportunity to help myself, it is just tiring and stressful. I am not sure if it is the fact that I am physically out of shape or that my depression is such that it is difficult to see the 'bright side'. When returning home yesterday I put a sweatshirt over my regular shirt, curled up on the couch, covered with a blanket and slept two hours. Realize that it was over 100*F here yesterday. I was in air conditioning at the assessment facility and I have air conditioning at home. My ac at home is kept at 74*F which makes a huge difference from outside yet is usually comfortable for me.

My mind is drifting to too many places making it difficult to focus on one thought to type.

This morning I see my therapist at 9 a.m., then I have an hour before I need to be at the assessment site. I think I will take myself to breakfast and see if a good meal helps me through a day there. I am so use to being at home where I can munch on a snack whenever I feel the need that it has made it difficult to work through my normal lunch hour.

Last evening I was feeling rather useless and burdensome. Ron tell me I am worth working so hard for and that I am worth doing stuff for, yet I don't feel that I am. I don't bring anything back into this house, not even a smile or laugh. I sit at this computer, do the bare minimum in housework, yet eat my share, use everything, including Ron to maintain my life, but I don't feel like giving back. I am unsure if this is a reaction to all the years that I felt like everyone was taking so much from me. I don't know why I said felt like, they really were taking a lot from me. It isn't fair that I think Ron should have to pay for what happened to me before. Well I don't guess I think he should, he is just the first person will to. Life isn't fair is it?

I realize only I can help me, yet I don't know that I can find the energy to do so.

Clerical Assessment

Yesterday I started a new round of assessments for the Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation. That would be all well and good had I understood that going in. I misunderstood the not so articulate man on the phone to be stating that I was starting a clerical job not an assessment. Then to top that off, when I was given tests for MicroSoft Office, the test was for Office 2003 but their software is Office 2007. Because I know Word so well I was able to do that test. However, they also tested me on Access and Excel, of which I know little more than their main function. Access is a database and Excel is a spreadsheet. So there was absolutely no why I could correlate the questions to the wrong software. Needless to say I was more than disappointed. I was grieved that I was being assessed again and then to have the instructor not prepared with the correct materials. This assessment is to go on all week, four hours a day. I will be tested on a multiple line phone, filing and I don't know what else because he hasn't told me. I guess my ''job'' right now is to just roll with this in hopes they ultimately know what they are doing. Worst case scenario, they send me on a job I am not capable of doing. Best case scenario, they pay for classes and/or training I would need to do a job I believe my nerves can handle and that will pay enough for me to feel independent again.

This is the second morning I have awaken at 4 a.m. yesterday I thought it to be because of anxiety for the "new job", today however I am uncertain. So it is now 5 a.m. and I am attempting to bring you up to date with my life. At the present time it is difficult to feel like I have a grasp on much of anything let alone my mind. My friends and husband tell me I am not a 'bad' as I think I am. Part of me believes that and part of me is saying, "you have no f#cking idea what it is like inside my head." Needless to say, I feel helpless, at the mercy of life it self.

I went and slept another hour and twenty minutes. Still feel in the ''sleep zone'' though.

My son, Noah, called yesterday. He is doing well, his plans for the future look like they are coming together. I ask that you all send him good energy to help him start this new chapter in his life.

I only slept through the night for two nights before I started awakening at 4 a.m. again. I don't see Doc till next week. We will see what he has to say about any changes then, since I had messed up taking my one medication. I know I had written last week that I discovered that I had been only taking one pill twice a day when I should have been taking two pills twice a day. I had done this for a week before I realized.

There is this small concern that if a potential employer were to read my blog, they wouldn't desire to hire me. The larger part of me feel that this is important to enough people that if that is what they choose it is their loss. All though I don't write everyday, I cannot imagine telling myself I had to stop sharing myself with you so honestly. So I ask for another favor, that you send positive energy to my work situation and my blog to continue ministering to you all. Namaste

Roadblocks...

Another day...

I am feeling much better since I realized I messed up my medication. Sleep patterns are still not right. I keep waking up between 3 and 4 am. From then I am awake til about 6 am then I sleep another hour or two. Just waking back up this morning with Leo's help. Leo is my male cat, for those of you who don't know. Leo likes to get on my dresser and bat at my necklaces hanging from a bulletin board. The blessing behind finding out how I messed up my medication is beyond measure, yet the timing is good. I have heard from the BVR about working. Next week I start in a clerical assessment which allows me to start with 4 hours of work each day for the first week and hopefully go into something full time from there. I will be at the Goodwill offices for that first week. I am uncertain where I will be after that. I am debating on whether or not to ask about medical transcription training.

All in all, I am feeling hopeful that my future is becoming more abundant and productive. It is important to me to know that if something were to happen to Ron, that I can support myself. My Mother didn't teach me much, however, once she said "know that you can support yourself before you allow a man to, or you will feel stuck." I know that she could work hard when she wished to. I am seeing so much of my mother in me with this last episode. Mom seldom left the house and when she did, she did not linger any were except Amvets where she could drink and gamble. When ever I would take her shopping or to the doctor she would request that we take a ride after just to be out of the house. I would oblige when my schedule allowed. I miss here now and then but seldom think of her. She had a good heart, she was just unsure of how she fit into life. I remember noticing that she was a stronger person when Dad first past, then she relied on my sister and I to make sure she was happy. As we all know, one can not make someone else happy, they must decide within them self that they are happy. Easier said than done.

Thank you for utilizing this blog to help you in what ever way it does. Because it helps me stay positive to know that I am someone else's help. Namaste

Medication mess up.....

I had begun to have difficulty sleeping and frightening episodes of despair. When yesterday I received a package from my prescription medication provider that contained medication I had said not to send. At first sight I freaked because that medication usually costs me over $400.00 for a 3 month supply. Then looking at the bill I see I am not charged, yet I cannot stop being upset. I call to complain about receiving medication that I had told them I did not require as my doctor was changing me to something else. As I am attempting to reach a live person through the automated voice messaging I am becoming more and more irritated. By the time a receive a human I am crying. I am sure it is more than just the medication mistake, yet I am unable to calm myself. With a shaky voice I proceed to tell the operator my situation. I am blessed to have reached a most compassionate female operator that at one point asks if I am alright. I hesitate because I don't feel alright. I am shaking, fighting back from out and out weeping. Once we resolve the issue of it being sent and the fact that I had reached my deductible, that being the reason I was not charged, we decide they will send a special mailing container so I can send them the pills to be destroyed. Once the phone is hung up I allow myself to weep. Pacing I have this dread. I start saying out loud, "I am someone's hope. I am someone's hope." because the feeling that I was too damaged and too sad to be of help to anyone was attempting to overwhelm me. I begin to tidy up a few things and come across my current medication list. I realize with the change from a time released medication to a twice a day tablet that I had not been taking two pills two times each day but only one pill two times each day. I go to look at the medication bottle to confirm my thoughts. Yep, I had cut my dosage in half for the past week and didn't realize it. I called my doctor to have the nurse note my chart, just encase I have a episode that hospitalizes me, it would be good for them to have a reasoning start point. With just the fact that this has occurred I am being kinder to myself as to not allow my urges to get the better of me. Now with having corrected my medication dosage and expressed myself here I feel that all will be good as I start sleeping better again. Thanks for listening.

yep...

"Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are." --Marianne Williamson

Amber...

A dear friend has written a letter, purging her soul onto paper as if it were God. Her soul lay bare, raw, before my eyes, before my soul, causing great weeping. The honor this friendship brings me is nothing I have felt before. We have never met in person, yet I know her like a sister.

Her grief goes as deep as my own, yet she has overcome hers with such magnificence that I envy the freedom she has found in spite of it. She has included me in her independence, her live adventure, her longing  to be bigger than her pain.

I do not know if she realizes the power she gives others permission to claim through just being alive. I do know that that is not what matters. What matters is living a life of joy and passion for every breathing moment.

Life is good, if we only allow it to be...
Thank you My Friend

No worries...

Struggling..

Having a difficult time finding my joy the past few days. This made me laugh out loud.

Why...

The focus to write lately has dwindled. It has been difficult to focus on mental tasks that are creative. I have had success with day to day routine functions, but little creativity. Do I blame the medication change or just accept it as a phase that will pass? I am hoping for the latter.

I think part of my block might be that I don't wish to share with you the ups and downs of my marriage. Ron is a wonderful, kind man that is human. We irritate each other at times and I don't wish to bring that into the public eye to be thought of as marital issues when they are just day to day married life. Since I am not around any one other than Ron on a regular basis, he is the one that receives my ups and downs. I do have a couple friends that I go to lunch or coffee with.

I feel like I am rambling.

My marriage is good. I am good. Life is good. I write more passionately when I feel crazy. So bear with me as I learn my 'healthy' voice and post inspiring pictures when unable to write.

I am disappointed that I did not hear about work last week. Hopefully soon.

Namaste

Fall together?

What will fall together from my breakthrough?

More common...

When I am able to experience this I embrace it with gratefulness...

Yesterday my son, Noah asked me to help him with a room for rent with this young family. I expressed I would need to meet the family to know that is where my money was going. When I first walked into the house the visual was that of too much house for this young mother of two to handle. While things looked chaotic, there was this underlying peace that was very strong. The two young boys were adorable. I am hoping Noah's calming demeanor will help them to focus their energy toward not only physical things but also academic and spiritual.

I picture myself visiting the two boys for story time now and again.

Still adjusting...

Yep...

Determined to blossom through this 'mental illness' into the person God intended! Hoping to find in me the strength and discipline within me that it will take to do so. I know it is there. It is only a matter of utilizing it.