Clerical Assessment

Yesterday I started a new round of assessments for the Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation. That would be all well and good had I understood that going in. I misunderstood the not so articulate man on the phone to be stating that I was starting a clerical job not an assessment. Then to top that off, when I was given tests for MicroSoft Office, the test was for Office 2003 but their software is Office 2007. Because I know Word so well I was able to do that test. However, they also tested me on Access and Excel, of which I know little more than their main function. Access is a database and Excel is a spreadsheet. So there was absolutely no why I could correlate the questions to the wrong software. Needless to say I was more than disappointed. I was grieved that I was being assessed again and then to have the instructor not prepared with the correct materials. This assessment is to go on all week, four hours a day. I will be tested on a multiple line phone, filing and I don't know what else because he hasn't told me. I guess my ''job'' right now is to just roll with this in hopes they ultimately know what they are doing. Worst case scenario, they send me on a job I am not capable of doing. Best case scenario, they pay for classes and/or training I would need to do a job I believe my nerves can handle and that will pay enough for me to feel independent again.

This is the second morning I have awaken at 4 a.m. yesterday I thought it to be because of anxiety for the "new job", today however I am uncertain. So it is now 5 a.m. and I am attempting to bring you up to date with my life. At the present time it is difficult to feel like I have a grasp on much of anything let alone my mind. My friends and husband tell me I am not a 'bad' as I think I am. Part of me believes that and part of me is saying, "you have no f#cking idea what it is like inside my head." Needless to say, I feel helpless, at the mercy of life it self.

I went and slept another hour and twenty minutes. Still feel in the ''sleep zone'' though.

My son, Noah, called yesterday. He is doing well, his plans for the future look like they are coming together. I ask that you all send him good energy to help him start this new chapter in his life.

I only slept through the night for two nights before I started awakening at 4 a.m. again. I don't see Doc till next week. We will see what he has to say about any changes then, since I had messed up taking my one medication. I know I had written last week that I discovered that I had been only taking one pill twice a day when I should have been taking two pills twice a day. I had done this for a week before I realized.

There is this small concern that if a potential employer were to read my blog, they wouldn't desire to hire me. The larger part of me feel that this is important to enough people that if that is what they choose it is their loss. All though I don't write everyday, I cannot imagine telling myself I had to stop sharing myself with you so honestly. So I ask for another favor, that you send positive energy to my work situation and my blog to continue ministering to you all. Namaste