Mindfulness...

The past few days I have tried to keep more physically busy, doing needlepoint, laundry and other house chores. It is interesting to find that I am much more content when busy rather than deeply pondering how I am feeling. The bad part of this is that when an ugly memory comes if I only suppress it or let is slide off it will return stronger and stronger until I look at it to see where it came from. Needing to know it's origin is both frightening and healing. Allow me to give you an example:

While playing scrabble with Ron, a few nights ago, I placed my word and he showed frustration because I took his spot to play his word. A flood of dread came over me. I was recalling a time when I was playing with my parents. I was approximately 30 years old. I placed a word I was most pleased with. Instantly my father shouts in full voice, "You could ruin a funeral." I cannot begin to tell you the disappointment and dread that washed over my entire being. As I played the word in Ron and I's game and he voiced his frustration, I felt that same devastation. I made myself tell Ron the story and he assured me that he was frustrated with the game not me. That was such a help to know that I was not being blamed as my father blatantly did. Now Ron and I joke with one another and happily shout ''ruin a funeral'' when we take each other's spot. It is so healing to find humor in the dread that my father beset deep inside of me. There is a reassuring feeling within me that we have defused several other times that my father blamed me for such stupid shit.

So to realize the origin of the dread that washed over me, face it, share it, cry if I need to, allows me to then defuse it.

Vocational Rehabilitation update: still waiting for call for next meeting to discuss findings of assessment.

Namaste