This assessment is kicking my butt. I am so very tired and depressed. Rather than seeing this as an opportunity to help myself, it is just tiring and stressful. I am not sure if it is the fact that I am physically out of shape or that my depression is such that it is difficult to see the 'bright side'. When returning home yesterday I put a sweatshirt over my regular shirt, curled up on the couch, covered with a blanket and slept two hours. Realize that it was over 100*F here yesterday. I was in air conditioning at the assessment facility and I have air conditioning at home. My ac at home is kept at 74*F which makes a huge difference from outside yet is usually comfortable for me.
My mind is drifting to too many places making it difficult to focus on one thought to type.
This morning I see my therapist at 9 a.m., then I have an hour before I need to be at the assessment site. I think I will take myself to breakfast and see if a good meal helps me through a day there. I am so use to being at home where I can munch on a snack whenever I feel the need that it has made it difficult to work through my normal lunch hour.
Last evening I was feeling rather useless and burdensome. Ron tell me I am worth working so hard for and that I am worth doing stuff for, yet I don't feel that I am. I don't bring anything back into this house, not even a smile or laugh. I sit at this computer, do the bare minimum in housework, yet eat my share, use everything, including Ron to maintain my life, but I don't feel like giving back. I am unsure if this is a reaction to all the years that I felt like everyone was taking so much from me. I don't know why I said felt like, they really were taking a lot from me. It isn't fair that I think Ron should have to pay for what happened to me before. Well I don't guess I think he should, he is just the first person will to. Life isn't fair is it?
I realize only I can help me, yet I don't know that I can find the energy to do so.
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