First Signs of Snow in Northern Ohio

We are having our first signs of winter here in Sandusky, Ohio. It is a mixture of rain and snow. As the sun comes up I can see a dusting on the rooftops. The ground, however, is only wet. According to the news, large areas to our Northwest had winter weather advisories throughout the night. We will not have any accumulation, just a wet morning. Hopefully see some sun this afternoon.

Now that I have given you a weather report allow me to share with you my Holy Days Blessings. Many people in the USA become disturbed when they hear a person give you good tidings in their own religious or cultural way. That inspired me to start saying "Happy Holy Days!" Since every culture and religious consider the days of December, in some fashion, special, it seemed only right to call them All Holy Days!

So May You and Yours Have Wonderful and Blessed Holy Days!

I am learning...

The following prose was written in a time that I was realizing I have much more worth than just my sexuality. As I read it now I realize my lifelong struggle to present myself as more than just a piece of ass. Even when told, I am "the whole package," it is still demeaning to have a man lust after me so quickly, so un-heartedly. To have a man that is just as intoxicated by my wisdom and intelligence would complete a relationship. A relationship that still frightens me. Although the longing to mentally and emotionally connect is there, it is still beyond my understanding.

The Curse of Sensuality

RuthAnn Hirt

©10/05/2000

I cannot sleep yet cannot focus. Shall I write of my need to put pen to paper so as to express my inner most quandaries? Shall I write of my need to know in my heart what spills from my lips? Such things as knowing life and love are so much more than sex? Or that my true value is not in what I mean to another person but what I mean to myself? That friendship, yes indeed, is priceless but shan’t cost me my own virtue or sanity. That though the need for physical love is there, a hug or being held to cry can be sufficient and that giving of all is more harmful than naught. Alas, I know not how to allow such affection and trust. The act of sex holds for me neither true trust nor affection. It is a mindless, demeaning response to physical stimulation. I find no respect for the man who can take me to his bed before he knows my heart. Nor for his fleecing proclamation of such an honor when he has heard my verse, or has spent but a few meager hours in my presence. Nor do I hold respect for myself to allow the intoxication of another submissive fool to my prowess. The strength and power that rushes through my blood makes me whet, no doubt. But alas, the morning comes and it is I who am the fool. My strength and my beauty fade as shame taints the hopefulness of allowing someone to love me… beyond a fuck.

Are you listening?

Make a Place in your Heart...
RAHirt Brooker April 2007

Too much noise

Too much chaos

Too much work

To hear the knock upon my door

The children need fed

The yard needs mowed

The bills need paid

Someone else get the door

The TV is on

The music is too loud

The dance must go on

The door will have to wait

My mind is too noisy

My flesh is too weak

My heart is too empty

Are you still at my door?

I give you the pain

I empty the chaos

I drop my need for gain

At Your feet my Lord

A friend asked about "My Truth" post

Question)  I like this one. Since it was written so long ago, can I ask how it pertains to your life right now? I know that some threats are beginning to dissipate now, and I can tell that you are rebuilding your Self to be even more grounded than before. Are you gaining a new sense of Truth? That you are worth so much more than a "romp"? I truly hope so, my friend.

Answer)  It is good to reflect where we have come from. Not to dwell, but to examine how we have grown. I have not only grown, I went back for a time to that place of non-worth. To a place that my only value was what I meant to someone else. So today as I read "My Truth" I see the powerful woman that has once again lost her way. Trying hard to fit into someone else's agenda. Feeling unworthy of Self to express Self. Tell me what it is that you see of me in this writing. Is it merely the sexual creature or the Self proclaimed woman of honor? Or better yet, ask yourSelf, that if an abused, tortured Spirit like RuthAnn Hirt can regain Self and rejoyce in life again why can't I? Only you know that answer and I am not saying it is easy or that you won't stumble from time to time. Finding Self, Self Truth, is so worth all the crap others may put you through for "hurting them" by not doing what they want. They don't matter if it is at the cost of your Self. Namaste

Something I had written in 2000....

My Truth

I am currently not feeling a need for religion.  I believe in Jesus, however, I also believe He lived as a human being.  Therefore, He got drunk with the disciples and made love with Mary Magdalene.  If He had not experienced these thinks as a human, how could He ever say He truly understands our temptations?  The light from within us does not come from scrutinizing one another’s lives, but from simply accepting life on life’s terms and allowing the Light, the Love, the Being, to love us, therefore, loving ourselves.  You wonder how I could think that Jesus would or could do such a thing.  Making love is a beautiful gift from the Ultimate Love.  I didn’t say He violated her or humiliated her or demeaned her in any way.  He made love to her and for the first time in her life she realized it as a beautiful experience, an extension of herself, her self-love, and Love.

How can I say this, because I am Mary Magdalene?  I have never been paid for it, but up until about four years ago, it was rarely beautiful.  It was a physical act for physical pleasure, a way to escape reality.  It was my total self-worth.  If I couldn’t connect with you sexually, I didn’t feel of value.  Everything else in life was duty, not a response to Love.  Work, children, husband, and home, it all was what was expected of me.  So I went through the motions, thinking maybe I would find joy in them, but I had no true Light.  Just artificial light, religion flowed through my mechanical self, doing what was expected of me.  I did find joy in my sons, for a time.  Then the haunting of my self-worth indicator (sex) took over again.  My self-worth, of course, went to an all time low.  But today, making love with a friend is an extension of my Love for them.  It is not my self-worth, just an extension of self-love.  As long as we act in caring, respectful, honest ways toward one another, it is not a violation of self and therefore not wrong for me, for my lover, not against God.

Blasphemy! You say.  Why, because I feel and have more peace and joy in my heart, mind, and body than ever before?  Because the threat of mental instability has dissipated, no longer lingering, taunting me that I am not loved nor worthy of love?

Lord, have mercy!  Am I not only worthy of Love, I am Love.  I am part of God Almighty, made in His image and likeness, filled with His Holy Spirit!!  This was not made Truth to me until I was able to accept the fact that I am a sexual creature.  “Own it or it will own you!” was once quoted to me.

I am not saying this Truth is right for you, but don’t judge me by it, but by the fruit I bare.

Day 15 of 15 Days of Thankfulness

Day 15 - 3 things about your life right now that you are thankful for.

1) Family, my marriage family is my closes family ever in my life, except my little sister. They have all been there throughout this breakdown/breakthrough I am still in the midst of. The Love they are showing me is new to me. So very new to me that at times I feel unworthy of such dedication and acceptance.

2) Self, I am learning...

3) Abundance, I want for no thing...

Day 14 of 15 Days of Thankfulness

Day 14 - 3 things that make you laugh that you are thankful for.

1) Many of my facebook Friends, I love the silly, heartwarming posts that have helped me through numerous dark, lonely days. Even if it is a 'shake my head' and chuckle kind of laughter it all lightens my Spirit.

2) Abigail and Leopold, my cats, at least most of the time. Being a parent, whether to pets or children has it moments of frustration. They are truly a source of joy.

3) The television show "Big Bang Theory" is a source of laughter on a regular basis. It has many truths to it, yet exaggerates those truths to cause laughter and at times heartwarming , if not ridiculous situations. I guess that is why they call it a 'situation comedy.'

Day 13 of 15 Days of Thankfulness

Day 13 - 3 things about your belief system/faith/spiritual path that you are thankful for.

1) I wear no label other than "I am a believer"

2) I am learning to see all things in new light, especially Self.

3) All things are God and there is no thing that is not God.

Day 12 of 15 Days of Thankfulness

 Day 12 - 3 things found in Nature that you are thankful for.

1) Trees have been a symbol of strength, wisdom and fortitude as long as I can remember.

2) The skunk, it is cute and lives it's life without worry for it has no true predators.

3) Butterflies, a symbol of rebirth into what we are truly meant to be.

Day 11 of 15 Days of Thankfulness

Day 11 - 3 friends who have inspired you that you are thankful for.

1) Maha Najd, a lady of power and elegance unknown to her. She is a flowering treasure of joy and kindness to me and many others

2) Shannon Morrigan, I find it difficult to find the words to describe her strength and beauty. Making her way on what most would only moan was not enough, she is flourishing in her womanhood, motherhood, and business.

3) Jim Hemminger, living his dream...

Day 10 of 15 Days of Thankfulness

Day 10 -3 teachers who touched your life that you are thankful for.

You can tell I am becoming tired of this writing exercise... 3 days behind...

1) Ms Eleanor Meyer, 3rd grade. She was the first kind teacher I had.

2) Ms Fairchild, I was in sixth grade, her class was across the hall. When I would finish my work I was allowed to go over and aide her special needs students.

3)Ms Janet Stadulius, College English Teacher. The class I took with her was, 'Learning to Enjoy Literature'. She rekindles a dormate gift of writing poetry and prose. Her class was a blast. The only stress free college class I every took. Writing is a natural act for me, unlike science or math. lol

Day 9 of 15 Days of Thankfulness

3 upcoming events that you looking forward to and are thankful for

This questions is the most difficult yet. I am not one to look toward the future with much faith. We are given the moment we have and guaranteed nothing more. I am putting into action a few plans. So let me put those down.

1) I have readmitted to BGSU (Bowling Green State University) Firelands Campus. I need 2 classes to acquire my Associate of Arts degree. I am hopeful and thankful for this opportunity.

2) My husband's parents go to Florida every winter. Ron would like to visit them down there. We were able to do so a few years ago. It was wonderful to have sunny, warm beaches to walk in February. We came home to a snow storm and an extra days vacation because it was so bad. I am hoping we are able to save moneys to do that this coming March. I think I have a way we can. It will be our Christmas to one another.

3) Learning to do more than survive each day...

Day 8 of 15 Days of Thankfulness

3 things in your home that you are thankful for

1) My computer: I don't believe I would had made my break-through from my break-down in such a timely manner had I not had my facebook friends. Thank you and Namaste.

2) Running water: We ate, drink, and shower. How many of us ever think about what it takes to receive water into a build or home???

3) Electricity: We are blessed beyond measure in this country. Much of the world does not have half the luxury we have.

Day 7 - 3 inspirational songs you are thankful for

John Denver's Eagle and the Hawk from early recordings are best.
http://youtu.be/cQjwZZbZ504


Alanis Morissette's You Learn from Jagged Little Pill Album is one I enjoy most.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onvYOXEQbG8&feature=colike


Jewel's Life Uncommon from Spirit Album, although this rendition is wonderful.
http://youtu.be/FUEnxhtzMeo

Day 6 - 3 things you can see right now that you are thankful for.

My computer, good material to read, and my home.

Day 5 of 15 Days of Thankfulness

Three animals, past or present, that you are thankful for:

One of the few constance in childhood was pets with that said I will focus on pets in my adult years.

Clyde was a pure black cat I acquired when married to my first husband. He was the joy of my life being the runt of the litter I was astonished when he became this lovely full sized creature that loved to hunt. I attempted to keep him indoors, had him neutered not declawed. He would bring me prizes from the field behind our home. Once a small rabbit that broke my heart and left much blood on my porch. He brought me joy and adventure for many years.

Abigail and Leopold are my current cat kids.

Abigail 5 mths and Leopold 3 mths

Abigail was rescued by me from abandonment. I found her mewing away in a crawl space under the house we rented. The mewing started and I gave it at least a half hour hoping Mom was relocating them and had not made it back yet for this one. So walking around back I came upon the little bugger and she came right to my voice. Only being about a week old I was unsure if we could handle her. We did handle her, 3 weeks was spent with a nursing mama cat and her kittens from then on she has been ours.

A few months later I was expressing to my husband that Abigail needed a playmate. He, having never had an cat or any pet, was unsure. I encouraged him to check to see what the vet had for adoption when he takes Abby in for her shots. He sent me 3 pics on the phone. There was no contest, our little man was picked. Ron picked him out and named him. Abigail was cautious at first then played and groomed him like a true sister.

Day 4 of 15 Days of Thankfulness

Three things from my childhood I am Thankful for:

1) Cardboard boxes; my dad's friend worked at an appliance store and could get the empty boxes. Dad would bring us washer and drier boxes, or refrigerator boxes. We would play with it till it fell apart in our back yard. One of the few good memories of childhood.

2) My ability to adapt to situations. Because of the amount of chaos in my childhood, we had to be able to change our moods in an instant depending on what mood Dad or Mom was in.

3) A stack house of pancakes. My Dad told us a story from when he was in the Merchant Marines at age 14/15. His Mom had signed for him to go so he could get away from his father, a drunk and a child molester.

Dad at 25 to 30 yrs old

When the cook would make pancakes for the men many of the men put an fried egg in between two cakes. My Dad liked it so well, he would go up for 2nds and 3rds. The head cook finally told him to get in the kitchen and make it himself. Dad would tell us that story almost every time he was manic and making us pancakes for breakfast. I couldn't tell you how often that was, just that it was a rare pleasure in Dad's presence. I still put my 'over-easy' fried egg in between my cakes and remember.

Day 3 of 15 Days of Thankfulness

Three relatives I am Thankful for:

My younger sister, Mom, and Dad. My parents help mold me who I am today and my sister and I rescue each other from that molding...

These speak for them selves....

Day 2 of 15 days of thankfulness

Day 2 - 3 Veterans that I know and am thankful for.

Kurt R. Carico, he is my oldest son. The only thing he ever spoke of growing up was becoming a soldier. Well, he became a Marine. He stayed his four years in a nondeployable unit doing work on the home front. I still refer to him as my Marine because, once a Marine always a Marine.

There are so many it is difficult to choose one without thinking of the others. My father, my uncles, former lovers, a former husband, friends, young and old alike that were willing to sign that paper that saying, "I give my life into service of my country, for my family, friends, and strangers, possibly onto the death."

I appreciate the veterans that continue their service here at home, whether in uniform or by encouraging young men and women to service here and around the globe. The veteran social clubs like Amvets, Am. Legion, VFW and so on, are good sources for like minded persons to continue giving to there communities thru a variety of ways.

Thank you, to all the Men and Women that have chosen to service in order to keep our people free.

15 Days of Thankfulness

Day 1, An author, artist, and musician you are thankful for.

Author Louise M. Wisechild is a phenomenal person of courage and strength. In her books Obsidian Mirror and The Mother I Carry, she shares with us her recovery from a most traumatic childhood of incest and mental abuse to the rediscovery of Self. She has changed her name to protect her own innocence and re-establish Self. Her works are courageous and powerful. A necessary step in Self fulfilment. A quote I often say to self is: "When you take a full breath, you claim your right to live."

Artist Frida Kahlo is a powerful woman, artist, and person. Born in Mexico City, Mexico on July 6, 1907, a natural talent to visual arts was not diminished when at 17 yrs of age she was in a near fatal bus accident that left her in continual pain for the rest of her outstanding life as one of Mexico's greatest artists. Later becoming politically active and married fellow communist artist Diego Rivera in 1929. She exhibited her paintings in Paris and Mexico before her death in 1958. (paraphrased from biography.com)

I was first exposed to Frida's incredible life is in the film Frida with Salma Hayek as Frida. This outstanding film gives a glimpse into the true Spirit of Frida Kahlo. Vibrant, passionate, inspirational are just a few words that come to mind as I recall the life and film of Frida Kahlo.

Musician Jewel is an inspiration to many with her folk music depicting passionate and tragic life experience. Her work has been a source of both comfort and inspiration. For a full look at her life, please follow this link:  http://www.biography.com/people/jewel-224921

Oops isn't always bad

Having confessed my infatuation with an Internet friend, I would like to reflect on the ways this helped me see how far I have come. There was a time that the prose wasn't even necessary. Just the slightest hint that a man was interested in me, I zeroed in on seeing why. I certainly didn't believe I was worth keeping. "Having" yes, keeping 'no'. This lack of self-worth was taught me early in life. Having parents who were both distracted by their own mental issues, at a time you didn't talk of such things, they were less than capable of raising 6 children with pride.

Therefore as a adolescent I was prime pickings for boys and men to take advantage of me. Admitting that now is painful but not shameful. I was a child, it a woman's body. There was no guidance on how to respect my self nor set boundaries. When someone gave me attention I easily relinquished any right to say, 'no'. As this need for attention gave me a reputation it became even more difficult to enforce boundaries. In fact I had no clue I had the right to say 'no.' And many times I didn't dare say it in fear of harm from the person I was alone with. So drugs were than introduced to deaden the pain of this growing need for attention and this bizarre thing called 'love'. What is this love? Never heard my parents speak of it. Jesus, I think, is the only one who really has it.

There came a point I no longer cared what happened to me. I needed to escape my parents insanity. There needed to be some way that I could be worth more than just a fuck. Yes, that was all I felt I was worth. Not even my love for fashion or art could bring me to the idea that anyone would stay with me for any other reason. As time went on, I had been 'used' by more men and boys that I could count. When I 'went steady' with someone, it became a joke. While they were hoping to capture this damaged heart I was hoping and searching for adventure, passion, and love. What is that again, Love?? I truly had no concept of what that might be. I continually confused passion and love. That would occur to well into my 30's. I had no idea on how to love myself, how I could let anyone else love me.

Are you kidding, this heartless person that couldn't appreciate what others gave because of this immense hole in her soul. It never was enough because I didn't love myself, didn't know how. When after graduation, the only boy that didn't try to lay me with my parents home, asked me to marry him. We got married. In September after a June graduation from high school, just turned 18 in early August, we married September 20th.

I could keep going with my life story but that would mean you won't have to buy the book when it is released. So, for the 10 yrs with my first husband, 5 yrs with my second, 7 yrs single, and now 7 yrs with third husband, I am still learning this 'love' thing. I have a love for self now that I never had prior to my single years. There is a guidance system inside me that I have learned to respect and trust. It tells me when someone is a danger to my self-worth or one that will help me to continue nurturing it. There was a time that with little thought I would have just up and ran off with this man of prose and passion. Yet now, I pause and say, is he someone that will nurture me? Will this man respect me after leaving in a moments notice for greener pastures? More importantly, will I respect me if I chose to do that?

During that pause I realized, I would not respect me if I walked away like that. So I am using this "oops" to re-evaluate my Self and where I am today. I am not going to be angry with Self nor worry about "how could I let this happen" because I didn't let it happen. Love and passion are wonderful experiences. Thankfully this friend does not live close by. That distance helped with my time to examine my impulsive thoughts. I do not desire a relationship based on impulse. Prose, I can handle a friendship based on Art. That works for me. Not impulse. I have learned to say "no", that I have the right and personal responsibility to say 'No' in the face of any being, impulse, or emotion that attempts to cross the boundaries I have learned to put in place.

Therefore, I am not angry or ashamed at this opportunity to re-examine how far I have come. On the contrary, I am proud of the outcome. Blessings to all.

Oops! I did it again...

I became caught in the game... my hurting and damaged soul has reached out to someone who has seduced me with his prose. For as much life as I have lived it is hard to admit that the connection we feel could be more than mere infatuation. I was so hungry for hope and excitement that has he started to send and write me prose, I was instantly at peace, taken by his words of peace, love, and harmony. I was taken by his focus on my healing. Sending me inspiration to overcome my depression and anxiety, he was able to melt into my psyche for a cosmic joining I had never felt before.

His prose and reassurance that all would be well swept me away as if I were mere dust. Rationalizing that he was a good man, helping me find my way, I chose to ignore the obvious fact that I was chatting with a stranger. Hoping beyond hope that someone would rescue me from my mental torture, yes, this man, he is able to rescue me from self infliction. So yet again I had put my faith into a mere man. Oops! I did it again, is the title as I see my pains reflected much in the life of Brittany Spears'. How her brake downs glared at us the dread of her beauty and poise. How she so obviously was tired of playing the game, yet fell right into it again and again. How she longed to be known and loved for more than her physical prowess. Yet she knew not how.

I know not how to allow someone to love me beyond the physical. Though I feel love for them it is unknown to me how to welcome someones Spiritual or Intellectual affections. It is as foreign to me as a turtle to a tree least it be fallen with decay.

At the beginning of this mental episode, that I seem to be stuck in, I cut all my hair off. It took me over a month to realize, I did a "Brittany Spears". I shaved my hair off hoping less people would look at me or in a sexual way ogle me. Just like Brittany the exact opposite happened. More people turned their head desiring to know what made this lovely creature tic. I tried to play along as I have done for so very many years. So many years of not knowing who I am or why I am. The more attention I received, especially by men the further I sunk into a pit of anguish. Not knowing how to handle attention anymore, losing control of my patience and temper, I began harming myself. In the past I would go get drunk and hide from it. There was and is no more hiding.

I must face myself and all the bullshit this journey has bestowed upon me. Giving me both strength and weakness, bringing me both joy and despair. How confusing my journey has been thus far. I now have a man that adores me beyond my comprehension. He adores me so that my pain as driven me to retreat farther into the abyss.

I know that "I am to focus on the moment" not "dwell in the past", yet the past creeps up on me insisting to be acknowledged. Demanding its time in the spotlight least its darkness haunt me forever. So this here starts a new chapter to this life of chaos. I am hoping to find that the next events are blessed ones.

Gratitude

Yesterday was the first day all week that I didn't feel pulled in six different directions at once. Other than being concerned about my healthcare benefits, life is good. I am feeling strong yet not too focused. I am hoping that writing you will help my focus as I do not wish for my efforts here to be put aside.

My "Blessing" on the right hand side of the blog was a good focus. I was surprised that it ended up so long. To focus on graditute is a great way to spark you healing. It brings our mind to the positives in our lives.

Positive things in my life:

Healthy, caring husband and children

Pieces of mind, not a constant, yet I know I will get there.

Lovely home with many wonderful items, computer, books, clothes....

My gift as a communicator and author

My beauty, grace and kind spirit

Two wonderful cats

My Higher Power who sends his Spirit to guide and guard me

The opportunity to write and be read on the Internet

Many loving and caring friends

These are some of the many things I am grateful for. Even though there are many times that life becomes rough, I know I am loved by many. Thank you for Loving me as I Love you. Namaste

This has been a stressed filled week.

Today is Friday and I am hoping there is no negative excitement today.

Tuesday was quite a day. It started out normal, other than the expectation of having my annual checkup with the gynecologist and a mammogram. Which was enough since I had not been there in a year and I have been home for the most part for 8 weeks. Prior to my leaving for my appointment I had a phone call from my son, who is having difficulty finding himself. The call caused me concern because he only calls when he either needs a ride or money. Sending him unconditional Love would be so sweet of you. My employer then called needing more documented information on my medical leave which I have been on since Sept. 14th 2011. Along with telling me that my FMLA coverage is about to expire which means they legally don't have to pay medical insurance nor hold my job for me. I know this place. I know that if they were assured that I would be coming back they would hold my position. However, I know in my heart of hearts that it is time to do something else. So I told them I would not be coming back. Final date being November 30th 2011.

Wednesday, I went to me first hair appointment in 4 months, I had buzzed it down to nearly nothing when my breakdown first started. That went well. My hair gal is quite gifted. I have been seeing her for 20 yrs now. Then when I returned home, in the mail was a letter from my employer. Not thinking, I opened it right up. It was a confirmation of my decision to resign my position at the library. I had just told them the day before. The thought that I would be receiving something in the mail with in 24 hours never occurred to me. Tears ran down my face. Grieving such a large loss is a needed process, yet that pain came unexpected. I had been there 11 yrs. The public and complaining coworkers just became too much along with my personal life stresses.

Thursday, there was some excitement here. A car drove into the flat/apt on the first level of our building! No one hurt. I was shaking, but that is to be expected. The couple that got hit and hit the house are OK and thank God they did not have their children with them nor did they hit any other vehicles. It is also good the the apartment is vacant at the moment. God is good no matter how screwed up things seem, He has a higher purpose for all occurrences. I have to remind myself that now and again.

Friday, 9am is now. I am a bit out of sorts with all the adrenaline up and down all week. It causes me to sleep more once the adrenaline wanes. So I over slept this morning, just took my medications I usually take at 6am. I don't have to leave the house today. So hopefully I can get back on track, or at least back to the track I was on before this week. Thanks for reading. I hope this helps someone know that they are not alone in their quest to find balance. I wish you all the blessings your big hearts can stand!!! Love to all. Namaste

You deserve a little nurturing! So go easy on yourself today ~ if you feel tired, rest. If you feel quiet, be. If you feel unsure, go within. If you feel anxious, breathe. If you feel that today is just not your day, find peace in knowing that tomorrow will be waiting for you. So go easy on yourself today! Let go of heavy expectations you have of yourself. Nurture your spirit with whatever it needs ~ l♥ve, compassion, kindness, forgiveness ~ Be your friend today & go easy on yourself! ♥ By Pure Healing

Breif Update on Adrenaline....

I am so grateful that I posted early yesterday. I had a pretty bad episode after talking with my employer, my son and having to go to the doctor and  a mammogram. After coming home I slept an hour. At 830pm I couldn't keep my eyes open and slept the better part of 10 hours. When an 'episode' hits me I have so much adrenaline running thru my body I am unable to sit still, focus, or speak well. Once the adrenaline drops off I am totally exhausted. Today I even took an afternoon nap. So we will see how I am tonight whether I need more sleep or can't sleep, is yet to be seen. Namaste

A New Season...

As November begins, I find myself collecting my thoughts as if they had been thrown like confetti. Bringing them together to see a clearer picture of leaves, not confetti. Leaves that are spent by their season in the weather. The only season they have to be birthed, live, and die. They will spend their after life feeding the world around them. The food they give is their own decaying self.

We as humans have many seasons to be birthed, live, and die again and again. Some folks will have more abundant lives as others will have less of a death. Each season of life, each major choice we make, each tragedy we endure, every trauma that we are soiled with, is a season. There is a birth of us; first our natural birth, then our emotional birth. An emotional birth comes when we are faced with a situation that stirs our emotions and we must learn to deal with both emotion and situation. When a child is continually given their own way or never allowed to show emotion without punishment that child stops growing emotionally.

It is said that when a person is told "if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all" or "big boys/girls don't cry" they are also told that their feelings don't matter. They DO matter, more than we may ever understand. Therefor if you find yourself at a loss of emotion or an overwhelming amount of emotion, consider if your emotions were ever allowed to grow.

Another reason our emotions may be stopped from maturing is, becoming sexually active or start using drugs, at an early age. If the sexual activity was not by your choice you may start using drugs to numb the pain. Even if the activity was your choice it might had been the incorrect choice. I won't tell you it was wrong because that can lead to more shame or guilt, which again stops your emotions in order to survive.

Survival is our mind, body, and Spirits biggest goal. They will adapt in situations that other people will say "how can you walk out of your home after such trauma." Well, living in fear is not living. I know because I have bouts of agoraphobia, fear of public places. I am currently in my worst episode as I am writing this. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel because I desire to do more than survive. I desire to live life abundantly, and that is the plan. Sometimes heavily damaged souls need a 'time out.'

So if you are feeling like you too are entering a new season, determine which it is. Spring with a new life a head of you. Summer, living the abundant life, soaking up the sunshine? Autumn when things are cooling off and leaves are falling to the ground to nourish you during your hard winter? Allow your leaves of emotion to flow. Find a place where you can cry, scream, pound on the floor, whatever it takes to feel. Please stop hiding from your truth. Only you can be you, don't let anyone tell you it is right or wrong. Your Spirit will tell you that by the joy that it brings. Blessings on All