Oops isn't always bad

Having confessed my infatuation with an Internet friend, I would like to reflect on the ways this helped me see how far I have come. There was a time that the prose wasn't even necessary. Just the slightest hint that a man was interested in me, I zeroed in on seeing why. I certainly didn't believe I was worth keeping. "Having" yes, keeping 'no'. This lack of self-worth was taught me early in life. Having parents who were both distracted by their own mental issues, at a time you didn't talk of such things, they were less than capable of raising 6 children with pride.

Therefore as a adolescent I was prime pickings for boys and men to take advantage of me. Admitting that now is painful but not shameful. I was a child, it a woman's body. There was no guidance on how to respect my self nor set boundaries. When someone gave me attention I easily relinquished any right to say, 'no'. As this need for attention gave me a reputation it became even more difficult to enforce boundaries. In fact I had no clue I had the right to say 'no.' And many times I didn't dare say it in fear of harm from the person I was alone with. So drugs were than introduced to deaden the pain of this growing need for attention and this bizarre thing called 'love'. What is this love? Never heard my parents speak of it. Jesus, I think, is the only one who really has it.

There came a point I no longer cared what happened to me. I needed to escape my parents insanity. There needed to be some way that I could be worth more than just a fuck. Yes, that was all I felt I was worth. Not even my love for fashion or art could bring me to the idea that anyone would stay with me for any other reason. As time went on, I had been 'used' by more men and boys that I could count. When I 'went steady' with someone, it became a joke. While they were hoping to capture this damaged heart I was hoping and searching for adventure, passion, and love. What is that again, Love?? I truly had no concept of what that might be. I continually confused passion and love. That would occur to well into my 30's. I had no idea on how to love myself, how I could let anyone else love me.

Are you kidding, this heartless person that couldn't appreciate what others gave because of this immense hole in her soul. It never was enough because I didn't love myself, didn't know how. When after graduation, the only boy that didn't try to lay me with my parents home, asked me to marry him. We got married. In September after a June graduation from high school, just turned 18 in early August, we married September 20th.

I could keep going with my life story but that would mean you won't have to buy the book when it is released. So, for the 10 yrs with my first husband, 5 yrs with my second, 7 yrs single, and now 7 yrs with third husband, I am still learning this 'love' thing. I have a love for self now that I never had prior to my single years. There is a guidance system inside me that I have learned to respect and trust. It tells me when someone is a danger to my self-worth or one that will help me to continue nurturing it. There was a time that with little thought I would have just up and ran off with this man of prose and passion. Yet now, I pause and say, is he someone that will nurture me? Will this man respect me after leaving in a moments notice for greener pastures? More importantly, will I respect me if I chose to do that?

During that pause I realized, I would not respect me if I walked away like that. So I am using this "oops" to re-evaluate my Self and where I am today. I am not going to be angry with Self nor worry about "how could I let this happen" because I didn't let it happen. Love and passion are wonderful experiences. Thankfully this friend does not live close by. That distance helped with my time to examine my impulsive thoughts. I do not desire a relationship based on impulse. Prose, I can handle a friendship based on Art. That works for me. Not impulse. I have learned to say "no", that I have the right and personal responsibility to say 'No' in the face of any being, impulse, or emotion that attempts to cross the boundaries I have learned to put in place.

Therefore, I am not angry or ashamed at this opportunity to re-examine how far I have come. On the contrary, I am proud of the outcome. Blessings to all.