Oops! I did it again...

I became caught in the game... my hurting and damaged soul has reached out to someone who has seduced me with his prose. For as much life as I have lived it is hard to admit that the connection we feel could be more than mere infatuation. I was so hungry for hope and excitement that has he started to send and write me prose, I was instantly at peace, taken by his words of peace, love, and harmony. I was taken by his focus on my healing. Sending me inspiration to overcome my depression and anxiety, he was able to melt into my psyche for a cosmic joining I had never felt before.

His prose and reassurance that all would be well swept me away as if I were mere dust. Rationalizing that he was a good man, helping me find my way, I chose to ignore the obvious fact that I was chatting with a stranger. Hoping beyond hope that someone would rescue me from my mental torture, yes, this man, he is able to rescue me from self infliction. So yet again I had put my faith into a mere man. Oops! I did it again, is the title as I see my pains reflected much in the life of Brittany Spears'. How her brake downs glared at us the dread of her beauty and poise. How she so obviously was tired of playing the game, yet fell right into it again and again. How she longed to be known and loved for more than her physical prowess. Yet she knew not how.

I know not how to allow someone to love me beyond the physical. Though I feel love for them it is unknown to me how to welcome someones Spiritual or Intellectual affections. It is as foreign to me as a turtle to a tree least it be fallen with decay.

At the beginning of this mental episode, that I seem to be stuck in, I cut all my hair off. It took me over a month to realize, I did a "Brittany Spears". I shaved my hair off hoping less people would look at me or in a sexual way ogle me. Just like Brittany the exact opposite happened. More people turned their head desiring to know what made this lovely creature tic. I tried to play along as I have done for so very many years. So many years of not knowing who I am or why I am. The more attention I received, especially by men the further I sunk into a pit of anguish. Not knowing how to handle attention anymore, losing control of my patience and temper, I began harming myself. In the past I would go get drunk and hide from it. There was and is no more hiding.

I must face myself and all the bullshit this journey has bestowed upon me. Giving me both strength and weakness, bringing me both joy and despair. How confusing my journey has been thus far. I now have a man that adores me beyond my comprehension. He adores me so that my pain as driven me to retreat farther into the abyss.

I know that "I am to focus on the moment" not "dwell in the past", yet the past creeps up on me insisting to be acknowledged. Demanding its time in the spotlight least its darkness haunt me forever. So this here starts a new chapter to this life of chaos. I am hoping to find that the next events are blessed ones.