Mindfulness Handout 1

Taking Hold of Your Mind:

States of Mind

Reasonable Mind + Emotional Mind = Wise Mind

Response:

Finding a balance between Reasonable and Emotional is easy for me when dealing with other person's situations or issues. However, when dealing with my own, there are times I don't realize the emotional mind has taken over until I am either spazzing or so down, I wonder why I am alive. So if you ever have to deal with me when I am down or spazzing, remind me of my reasonable mind. You may get a dirty look or a growl but in the long run I will appreciate it.

Today, my Wise Mind tells me I am blessed and live abundantly. Namaste & Blessings

Homework...

Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout I
Situations for Interpersonal Effectiveness

Attending to Relationships

• Don't let hurts and problems build up.
• Use relationship skills to head off problems
• End hopeless relationships
• Resolve conflicts before they get overwhelming

Balancing Priorities vs. Demands

• If overwhelmed, reduce or put off low-priority demands.
• Ask others for help; say no when necessary.
• If not enough to do, try to create some structure and responsibilities; offer to do things.

Balancing the Wants-to-Shoulds

• Look at what you do because you enjoy doing it and "want" to do it; and how much you do because it has to be done and you "should" do it. Try to keep the number of each in balance, even if you have to:

1. Get your opinions taken seriously.
2. Get others to do things.
3. Say no to unwanted requests.

Building mastery and self-respect

• Interact in a way that makes you feel competent and effective, not helpless and overly dependent.
• Stand up for yourself, your beliefs and opinions; follow your own wise mind.

*From Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha Linehan. 1993 The Guilford Press

Responses:

• Too late
• What skills
• Yeah, right
• Tried that....

• If I put off any more, I won't be doing anything.
• Not sure I know how to accept help, I am good at saying "no".
• Proper sleep would help.

• What I "want" vs. "need"

1. Depends on the subject
2. I tend to hide in myself
3. I am good at saying "no".

• My back bone just isn't there right now
• I feel ungrateful and selfish

Post time: 3:40 am

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.....don't go back to sleep   -Rumi-

The difference is remarkable...

This time last year I was impassioned about blogging, facebook, and connecting with people. Now, I am just existing. I have to make myself post on either one and I struggle to find what to say. Even the inspirational posts don't speak to me like they use to. I just feel - flat. My therapist said it should pass, yet I extended it by indulging in alcohol. The concern I feel is mostly for self, hoping to feel alive again, but how? What stimuli will cause enough adrenaline in me to continue on a path of doing more then just existing? While being short of harmful to self or others?

"Set a goal" I hear. Let us see what happens with that. Whether I will challenge myself to post something on here everyday, start being more active in my posts on facebook again, or....

start riding our stationery bike
crochet more
needlepoint

We shall see....

Therapy Talk...

Susan (my therapist) suggested how important it is to do things that are meaningful. Well as you all know, I lost sight of this blog. Also, I had not done much crocheting nor helping others. About the only thing I did do was to become preoccupied with sex, which my husband enjoyed. However, we spoke of how we can fill our time with things that keep us from working on ourselves. This gives us a distraction from working on our painful truths that need to be examined in order to set them free. Yep, that is me, give me a mind numbing game and I can sit for hours to avoid life. There is also the way I text messages to friends throughout the day, in hopes of a conversation to keep me busy.

So, all in all, I have been avoiding myself by avoiding blogging. It is time to get back.

Had therapy at noon today...

It was a good day to go. We talked about how I was feeling and why. She agreed that the alcohol is a definite factor. Along with the fact that I have not been doing my homework. After ranting earlier, I reread some of the previous post, "Daily Homework". While this is not a printout that she gave me, it did remind me that I have a tendency of neglecting myself when I feel well. Hopefully I learn to find that balance between care and 'fun' or maybe release that which does not truly serve me well. Do I desire to totally give up drinking? Most of me says "yes" with just a hint of that fear of not being able. It is an acceptable social crutch that has ran it's course. I need to learn to feel comfortable enough in my own skin that if I am not comfortable in a situation, I remove myself from the situation, not take a drink.

Wish me luck. I can't hide in my cave forever.

It's been a long time....

I am feeling a bit crazy. Like I don't know what to do with myself. Every time I think about working outside the house I go out and get an application from some where and never turn it in. I am still waiting on the Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation to get me started working from home. I have been playing the stupid computer games more because I want to cut on myself, so that distracts me. Handling everyday tasks has become a challenge again as I cannot focus my anxious energies to do them. I accomplished what I needed to yesterday with help from caffeine. I guess if that works and doesn't make me more anxious, so be it.

The fact that I have indulged in alcohol I am sure has played some part in my disturbance. My husband and I so enjoy having a drink together but I just can't do it. My brain chemistry is just to changeable. The lack of exercise is most likely another culprit. How do I make up my mind that no one can help me if I am not willing to help myself? I was doing so well. Crazy happy without being manic. I just can't partake in alcohol. I must use my therapy lamp more often with the days becoming shorter and grayer. I must do what I can to help myself before anything anyone else does can effect me, either positive or negative. Reminding myself of this must happen daily. It is too easy to sink into despair when I let others drive my boat or I neglect myself to have "fun".

So maybe, just maybe, writing everyday will also help. I may not desire to share all of it, however, sharing some is helpful. Even though most of you never comment or send me emails, but I hope that I help someone know they are not alone in their struggle to stay balanced and somewhat sane.

Daily Homework for Healing

Read these statements every day, until they actually become part of your thinking.

Do NOT memorize them. "Think straight, and you will feel great!"

1. I am a unique and precious human being, always doing the best I can, always growing in wisdom and in love.

2. I am in charge of my own life.

3. My number one responsibility is for my own growth and well-being. The more loving I am to myself, the freer I will be to love others.

4. I can choose healthy attitudes and opinions. The attitudes or opinions of others are their choice.

5. I make my own decisions and assume the responsibility for any mistakes I make. I learn and grow from my mistakes!

6. I am a person in my own right. My behavior may be appropriate or sometimes inappropriate, but that does not make me either a good or a bad person.

7. I am free to choose my attitudes about the things that happen to me. My degree of personal well-being depends upon my attitudes. Suffering is in inevitable; misery is optional.

8. I am capable of expressing myself honestly and effectively each day.

9. I am free of animosity or resentment.

10. My emotional well-being is dependent primarily on how I love myself, as well as my ability to accept love and affection from others.

11. I am kind and gentle towards myself.

12. I deserve to be treated with consideration and respect.

13. I live one day at a time, and I do first things first.

14. I am patient and serene for I have the rest of my life to continue growing.

15. Every experience I have in life-including those I don't like - contribute to my learning and my growth.

16. I am as important as any other person in the world - not more so, but not less either.

17. It is human to make mistakes. Mistakes prove only that I am imperfect - and it is OK to be human and imperfect.

Author Unknown

OK...

Let me share some other's writing as I regain my voice....


Thoughts to Live By...

I am reading more and dusting less. I am sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time at work. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I am trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them. I am not "saving" anything. We use the good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first tulip of Spring. I wear a good outfit to the grocery store and even dab on some make-up and run a comb through my hair. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28. 59 for one small bag of groceries. I am not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for the clerk in the hardware store and tellers at the bank. "Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now. I am not sure what my friends would have done had they known that they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for the past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, or for whatever their favorite food was. I am guessing; I will never know. It is those little things left undone that would make me angry if I know my hours were limited. Angry because I had not written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my spouse and children and parents often enough how much I love them. I am trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Everyday, every minute, every breath, truly is a gift from somewhere where love is pure and unconditional.

It has been a while....

Attempting to find my healthy voice. While that is processing let us appreciate other voices.

Plant a seed.....

Self.....

EPIPHANY!!

The reason I was addicted to relationships while not allowing myself to be loved, was because my parents never showed us love. I never had the opportunity to learn how to accept love yet needed it disparately. Now after 7 years with my third husband and countless lovers I am finally learning to accept the fact and reality that he loves me unconditionally. Wow, Go Me!! Search for your root cause and you will heal from the root up. To Blossom into a New You!

How far I have come....

Just a year ago, I was spiraling out of control into a dark abyss of fear and self hate. I had cut off all my hair in what I call a "Brittany Spear's" moment.

This photo I took right after doing buzzing all my hair off, August 2011. Trying to tell myself it was an accident, that I only meant to trim it and the clippers slipped. I felt so insane that it is difficult to recall day to day emotions. I do recall harming myself when overwhelmed by the atmosphere at the library, patrons that were ungrateful and rude, coworkers that could not be happy. My guard and shields could no longer keep their negative energy from penetrating me.

Thankfully I began this blog and became more active on facebook. Utilizing both places to expel the negative and fill myself with positive energies.

This picture is from November 2011. As I began to feel better, you can see my eyes and face soften.

Here, I may have put on weight, however the smile does look genuine. April 2012

I have chosen this most resent picture for my current profile pic for both here and on facebook.

While I am feeling somewhat bored with being at home now, I don't feel ready to handle the public area of work. I do fine shopping or going to dinner, yet the thought of dealing with even one negative person makes me want to run and hide at the least, harm myself at my worst. Therefor I am still working with the Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation. They are arranging to set me up with a home office so that I will be able to work from home on my computer. This is a lengthy process and not for someone who needs to work quickly. Unless you are able to work with the public, then the process may go quicker.

Thanks for being here for me this past year. Blessings to all.

Figuring out who "self" is.....

Who is "self"? In a perfect world I see this altruistic savoir of the people, a Mother Teresa of sorts. When I see that person I don't see me having fun and sharing time with friends, only helping people. How unrealistic is that? I would guess that my goal is to find a middle ground to who I am and "Mother Teresa" When I look at who I am right now, there are moments I am pleased and moments I am torn as to why I even think the way I do. My friends tell me I am more "normal" then I realize. What a let down that is, I have always wanted to be extraordinary with a twist of eccentric.

So how do we find out "self"? Do we sit and contemplate the universe or just try to be the best person we can be for any given situation. Do we, at the end of the day, go over that days events and hope we don't find a moment that we denied self to the point of hypocrisy. Or is it a little of both, not giving into a situation by going against that gut feeling or our voice of intuition. If any of you know how to find "self" let me know.

Quandary.....

I apologize to all my readers for having had writers block the past several weeks. I am not sure if I should attribute it to the Abilify medication or the insomnia that has accompanied it. Over all I am feeling well mentally. My fear and anxiety is the lowest it has been in over a year. However my comfort level has me having an alcoholic beverage now and again in order to fit into the crowd that I share time with now and again. I don't feel that way around all my friends but I feel a need to when I go to a restaurant with my husband and he chooses to drink. Or our company does. I guess at times I am still that teenage girl still trying to fit into a place that maybe I don't belong..... All in all, I am feeling confused about feeling "normal" and frightened on whether or not I am capable to rise above my situation and into a new stronger personality willing and able to be my "Self".

Most of the time....

Ah yes....

Time to move forward...