Words from a wise man...

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing   that there are still so many helpers - so many caring people in this world." -Mr. Rogers


Comfort in this time of mourning, for our loss this day in Connecticut. 

Updates

I apologize that it has been so long. There has been no voice in my head to inspire me to write. For that reason I hate my medications. My life is quiet, to dull to write about. Well, I will share some good news. I have been working since the week before Thanksgiving. The job entails placing washers onto screws, which would be menial to most persons, yet I am grateful for the opportunity to do something with structure and worth. I work along side many special needs people, which helps me to count my blessings, seeing the many afflictions I don't have to live with. Yet at the same note, I see that they can find such happiness in the simpleness and envy them.

Another note of good news, is that I have my new office equipment and am looking for work at home positions. The applications are long and tiring. Most have skill and personality tests along side there basic application. I have had a couple over the phone interviews and have some pre-hire training to go through. This particular company assesses while they train you, therefore you would have to pass the training in order to be hired. I feel good about that company. My only worry about working from home is my cats wanting attention when I am in the middle of work.

I think that is all for now. Happy Holy Days Season! However and whatever you celebrate.

Be Blessed!

SCREAM!!!

There... I feel better.

It is so frustrating when my husband forgets to tell me something on his schedule. He is consistantly busy 60+ hours a week and then I think he has some time at home with me, just to find out he forgot to tell me he is going out of town to spend time with his daughter. I have no trouble with him having time with his girls, I just had other plans that I have to rearrange or do myself. In fact, he sees his girls so seldom that I prefer not to go along so that he can have Daddy/Daughter time.

So I feel a bit better. As soon as I redo my plans I will be fine.

Mindfulness Handout 2

Taking Hold of Your Mind: "What" Skills

OBSERVE

• JUST NOTICE THE EXPERIENCE. Notice without getting caught in the experience. Experience without reacting to your experience.
• Have a "TEFLON MIND," letting experiences, feelings, and thoughts come into your mind and slip right out.
• CONTROL your attention, but not what you see. Push away nothing. Cling to nothing.
• Be like a guard at the palace gate, ALERT to every thought, feeling, and action that comes through the gate of your mind.
• Step inside yourself and observe. WATCH your thoughts coming and going, like clouds in the sky. Notice each feeling, rising and falling, like waves in the ocean. Notice exactly what you are doing.
• Notice what comes through your SENSES - your eyes, ears, nose, skin, tongue. See others' actions and expressions. "Smell the roses."

DESCRIBE

• PUT WORDS ON THE EXPERIENCE. When a feeling or thought arises, or you do something, acknowledge it. For example, say in your mind, "Sadness has just enveloped me." ... or... "Stomach muscles tightening" ...or... "A thought 'I can't do this' has come into my mind" ...or... "walking, step, step, step..."
• PUT EXPERIENCES INTO WORDS. Describe to yourself what is happening. Put a name on your feelings. Call a thought just a thought, a feeling just a feeling. Don't get caught in content.

PARTICIPATE

• Enter into your experiences. Let yourself get involved in the moment, letting go of ruminating. BECOME ONE WITH YOUR EXPERIENCE, COMPLETELY FORGETTING YOURSELF.
• ACT INTUITIVELY from wise mind. Do just what is needed in each situation - a skillful dancer on the dance floor, one with the music and your partner, neither willful nor sitting on your hands.
• Actively PRACTICE your skills as you learn them until they become part of you, where you use them without self-consciousness. PRACTICE:

1. Changing harmful situations
2. Changing your harmful reactions to situations.
3. Accepting yourself and the situation as they are.

*From Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha Linehan (c)1993 The Guilford Press

Unfortunate Carpenter...

Wisdom for today...

Mindfulness Handout 1

Taking Hold of Your Mind:

States of Mind

Reasonable Mind + Emotional Mind = Wise Mind

Response:

Finding a balance between Reasonable and Emotional is easy for me when dealing with other person's situations or issues. However, when dealing with my own, there are times I don't realize the emotional mind has taken over until I am either spazzing or so down, I wonder why I am alive. So if you ever have to deal with me when I am down or spazzing, remind me of my reasonable mind. You may get a dirty look or a growl but in the long run I will appreciate it.

Today, my Wise Mind tells me I am blessed and live abundantly. Namaste & Blessings

Homework...

Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout I
Situations for Interpersonal Effectiveness

Attending to Relationships

• Don't let hurts and problems build up.
• Use relationship skills to head off problems
• End hopeless relationships
• Resolve conflicts before they get overwhelming

Balancing Priorities vs. Demands

• If overwhelmed, reduce or put off low-priority demands.
• Ask others for help; say no when necessary.
• If not enough to do, try to create some structure and responsibilities; offer to do things.

Balancing the Wants-to-Shoulds

• Look at what you do because you enjoy doing it and "want" to do it; and how much you do because it has to be done and you "should" do it. Try to keep the number of each in balance, even if you have to:

1. Get your opinions taken seriously.
2. Get others to do things.
3. Say no to unwanted requests.

Building mastery and self-respect

• Interact in a way that makes you feel competent and effective, not helpless and overly dependent.
• Stand up for yourself, your beliefs and opinions; follow your own wise mind.

*From Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha Linehan. 1993 The Guilford Press

Responses:

• Too late
• What skills
• Yeah, right
• Tried that....

• If I put off any more, I won't be doing anything.
• Not sure I know how to accept help, I am good at saying "no".
• Proper sleep would help.

• What I "want" vs. "need"

1. Depends on the subject
2. I tend to hide in myself
3. I am good at saying "no".

• My back bone just isn't there right now
• I feel ungrateful and selfish

Post time: 3:40 am

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.....don't go back to sleep   -Rumi-

The difference is remarkable...

This time last year I was impassioned about blogging, facebook, and connecting with people. Now, I am just existing. I have to make myself post on either one and I struggle to find what to say. Even the inspirational posts don't speak to me like they use to. I just feel - flat. My therapist said it should pass, yet I extended it by indulging in alcohol. The concern I feel is mostly for self, hoping to feel alive again, but how? What stimuli will cause enough adrenaline in me to continue on a path of doing more then just existing? While being short of harmful to self or others?

"Set a goal" I hear. Let us see what happens with that. Whether I will challenge myself to post something on here everyday, start being more active in my posts on facebook again, or....

start riding our stationery bike
crochet more
needlepoint

We shall see....

Therapy Talk...

Susan (my therapist) suggested how important it is to do things that are meaningful. Well as you all know, I lost sight of this blog. Also, I had not done much crocheting nor helping others. About the only thing I did do was to become preoccupied with sex, which my husband enjoyed. However, we spoke of how we can fill our time with things that keep us from working on ourselves. This gives us a distraction from working on our painful truths that need to be examined in order to set them free. Yep, that is me, give me a mind numbing game and I can sit for hours to avoid life. There is also the way I text messages to friends throughout the day, in hopes of a conversation to keep me busy.

So, all in all, I have been avoiding myself by avoiding blogging. It is time to get back.

Had therapy at noon today...

It was a good day to go. We talked about how I was feeling and why. She agreed that the alcohol is a definite factor. Along with the fact that I have not been doing my homework. After ranting earlier, I reread some of the previous post, "Daily Homework". While this is not a printout that she gave me, it did remind me that I have a tendency of neglecting myself when I feel well. Hopefully I learn to find that balance between care and 'fun' or maybe release that which does not truly serve me well. Do I desire to totally give up drinking? Most of me says "yes" with just a hint of that fear of not being able. It is an acceptable social crutch that has ran it's course. I need to learn to feel comfortable enough in my own skin that if I am not comfortable in a situation, I remove myself from the situation, not take a drink.

Wish me luck. I can't hide in my cave forever.

It's been a long time....

I am feeling a bit crazy. Like I don't know what to do with myself. Every time I think about working outside the house I go out and get an application from some where and never turn it in. I am still waiting on the Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation to get me started working from home. I have been playing the stupid computer games more because I want to cut on myself, so that distracts me. Handling everyday tasks has become a challenge again as I cannot focus my anxious energies to do them. I accomplished what I needed to yesterday with help from caffeine. I guess if that works and doesn't make me more anxious, so be it.

The fact that I have indulged in alcohol I am sure has played some part in my disturbance. My husband and I so enjoy having a drink together but I just can't do it. My brain chemistry is just to changeable. The lack of exercise is most likely another culprit. How do I make up my mind that no one can help me if I am not willing to help myself? I was doing so well. Crazy happy without being manic. I just can't partake in alcohol. I must use my therapy lamp more often with the days becoming shorter and grayer. I must do what I can to help myself before anything anyone else does can effect me, either positive or negative. Reminding myself of this must happen daily. It is too easy to sink into despair when I let others drive my boat or I neglect myself to have "fun".

So maybe, just maybe, writing everyday will also help. I may not desire to share all of it, however, sharing some is helpful. Even though most of you never comment or send me emails, but I hope that I help someone know they are not alone in their struggle to stay balanced and somewhat sane.

Daily Homework for Healing

Read these statements every day, until they actually become part of your thinking.

Do NOT memorize them. "Think straight, and you will feel great!"

1. I am a unique and precious human being, always doing the best I can, always growing in wisdom and in love.

2. I am in charge of my own life.

3. My number one responsibility is for my own growth and well-being. The more loving I am to myself, the freer I will be to love others.

4. I can choose healthy attitudes and opinions. The attitudes or opinions of others are their choice.

5. I make my own decisions and assume the responsibility for any mistakes I make. I learn and grow from my mistakes!

6. I am a person in my own right. My behavior may be appropriate or sometimes inappropriate, but that does not make me either a good or a bad person.

7. I am free to choose my attitudes about the things that happen to me. My degree of personal well-being depends upon my attitudes. Suffering is in inevitable; misery is optional.

8. I am capable of expressing myself honestly and effectively each day.

9. I am free of animosity or resentment.

10. My emotional well-being is dependent primarily on how I love myself, as well as my ability to accept love and affection from others.

11. I am kind and gentle towards myself.

12. I deserve to be treated with consideration and respect.

13. I live one day at a time, and I do first things first.

14. I am patient and serene for I have the rest of my life to continue growing.

15. Every experience I have in life-including those I don't like - contribute to my learning and my growth.

16. I am as important as any other person in the world - not more so, but not less either.

17. It is human to make mistakes. Mistakes prove only that I am imperfect - and it is OK to be human and imperfect.

Author Unknown

OK...

Let me share some other's writing as I regain my voice....


Thoughts to Live By...

I am reading more and dusting less. I am sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time at work. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I am trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them. I am not "saving" anything. We use the good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first tulip of Spring. I wear a good outfit to the grocery store and even dab on some make-up and run a comb through my hair. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28. 59 for one small bag of groceries. I am not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for the clerk in the hardware store and tellers at the bank. "Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now. I am not sure what my friends would have done had they known that they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for the past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, or for whatever their favorite food was. I am guessing; I will never know. It is those little things left undone that would make me angry if I know my hours were limited. Angry because I had not written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my spouse and children and parents often enough how much I love them. I am trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Everyday, every minute, every breath, truly is a gift from somewhere where love is pure and unconditional.

It has been a while....

Attempting to find my healthy voice. While that is processing let us appreciate other voices.

Plant a seed.....

Self.....

EPIPHANY!!

The reason I was addicted to relationships while not allowing myself to be loved, was because my parents never showed us love. I never had the opportunity to learn how to accept love yet needed it disparately. Now after 7 years with my third husband and countless lovers I am finally learning to accept the fact and reality that he loves me unconditionally. Wow, Go Me!! Search for your root cause and you will heal from the root up. To Blossom into a New You!

How far I have come....

Just a year ago, I was spiraling out of control into a dark abyss of fear and self hate. I had cut off all my hair in what I call a "Brittany Spear's" moment.

This photo I took right after doing buzzing all my hair off, August 2011. Trying to tell myself it was an accident, that I only meant to trim it and the clippers slipped. I felt so insane that it is difficult to recall day to day emotions. I do recall harming myself when overwhelmed by the atmosphere at the library, patrons that were ungrateful and rude, coworkers that could not be happy. My guard and shields could no longer keep their negative energy from penetrating me.

Thankfully I began this blog and became more active on facebook. Utilizing both places to expel the negative and fill myself with positive energies.

This picture is from November 2011. As I began to feel better, you can see my eyes and face soften.

Here, I may have put on weight, however the smile does look genuine. April 2012

I have chosen this most resent picture for my current profile pic for both here and on facebook.

While I am feeling somewhat bored with being at home now, I don't feel ready to handle the public area of work. I do fine shopping or going to dinner, yet the thought of dealing with even one negative person makes me want to run and hide at the least, harm myself at my worst. Therefor I am still working with the Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation. They are arranging to set me up with a home office so that I will be able to work from home on my computer. This is a lengthy process and not for someone who needs to work quickly. Unless you are able to work with the public, then the process may go quicker.

Thanks for being here for me this past year. Blessings to all.

Figuring out who "self" is.....

Who is "self"? In a perfect world I see this altruistic savoir of the people, a Mother Teresa of sorts. When I see that person I don't see me having fun and sharing time with friends, only helping people. How unrealistic is that? I would guess that my goal is to find a middle ground to who I am and "Mother Teresa" When I look at who I am right now, there are moments I am pleased and moments I am torn as to why I even think the way I do. My friends tell me I am more "normal" then I realize. What a let down that is, I have always wanted to be extraordinary with a twist of eccentric.

So how do we find out "self"? Do we sit and contemplate the universe or just try to be the best person we can be for any given situation. Do we, at the end of the day, go over that days events and hope we don't find a moment that we denied self to the point of hypocrisy. Or is it a little of both, not giving into a situation by going against that gut feeling or our voice of intuition. If any of you know how to find "self" let me know.

Quandary.....

I apologize to all my readers for having had writers block the past several weeks. I am not sure if I should attribute it to the Abilify medication or the insomnia that has accompanied it. Over all I am feeling well mentally. My fear and anxiety is the lowest it has been in over a year. However my comfort level has me having an alcoholic beverage now and again in order to fit into the crowd that I share time with now and again. I don't feel that way around all my friends but I feel a need to when I go to a restaurant with my husband and he chooses to drink. Or our company does. I guess at times I am still that teenage girl still trying to fit into a place that maybe I don't belong..... All in all, I am feeling confused about feeling "normal" and frightened on whether or not I am capable to rise above my situation and into a new stronger personality willing and able to be my "Self".

Most of the time....

Ah yes....

Time to move forward...

Yes....

Staying Positive....

Waiting for a new tide...

How long does driftwood wonder until it becomes stuck on some foreign shore?

'Irrational Ways of Thinking' is adapted from "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns

This was the first handout that my therapist gave me to help me recognize unhealthy thought patterns.

This is the essence of rational self analysis - First analyze thought patterns for ways in which they contribute to your feelings. Second, pick out the irrationalities in thoughts. Third, dispute the irrational thoughts and substitute rational ones. To help in the identification of irrational thinking, below are some examples of irrational thinking patterns and the feeling which result.

IRRATIONAL WAYS OF THINKING

1. All or Nothing Thinking. You see things in black and white categories (no gray). If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

2. Overgeneralization. You see a single negative event as a pattern of defeat.

3. Mental Filter. You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of reality becomes darkened, like a drop of ink that discolors an entire glass of water.

4. Disqualifying the Positive. You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason of another. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experience.

5. Jumping to Conclusions. You make a negative interpretation, even though there are NOT definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

6. Mind Reading. You arbitrarily decide that someone is reaction negatively to you, but you don't bother to check this out with them.

7. The Fortune Teller Error. You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already established fact.

8. Magnification. (catastrophizing) or Minimizing. You over experience the importance of things or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny. Such as your own goof up, someone else's achievement, your own qualifications or other person's imperfections.

9. Should Statements. You try to motivate yourself with "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" as if you have to be whipped before you will do anything. "Must" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequence is quilt. When you direct "should" statements towards others, you feel frustration, anger and resentment if they don't meet your expectations.

10. Labeling and Mislabeling. You attach negative labels to yourself. "I'm a loser". Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

11. Personalization. You see yourself as that cause of some negative event for which, in fact, you are not primarily responsible.

Birthday Wishes

It has been several days since I have posted anything and now I am examining why. I never have liked my birthday. I get much more satisfaction from celebrating someone else's. I remember when we still lived near Buffalo, New York, I use to get a cherry flavored angel food cake for my birthday. That stopped when we moved to Ohio. I am not sure why, I was no longer the baby girl. My sister had been born seven weeks after my 5th birthday. Was that the last time I had homemade cherry flavored angel food cake? It might had come from a box, I don't recall that much detail. Besides, we were never allowed in the kitchen other than to eat.

Another birthday, when I was going to be 11 or 12, my mother had been promising me a stereo. Instead, they put in a 4 foot above ground pool and said that was my present. I was devastated.

All of us were lucky to even get a "Happy Birthday" wish from our parents. But rather than dwell on the negative let me attempt to think of some better birthdays as an adult.

When I was working at the Career Services Office as a student worker at Lakeland Community College, the gang in the office gave me a surprise party. The only surprise party I recall having and the best party I ever had as of the age of 37.

The next was one given by my friends and planned by my then boyfriend, Robert. We all met at Willow Leaf Cafe that was owned and ran by friends also. Kirk, the owner made me a birthday cake. My friends pitched in for ice cream. That was a good time. I think that is the last birthday party I had.

Now I am 50 and have isolated myself from many of my friends do to fears that cause me to react before I even realize they have been triggered. My husband doesn't seem to realize that his poor choices also feed those fears.

And so, somehow, I must get back to trusting and relying on the only person that can make any changes happen, Me.

It was a good day...

My 50th birthday was much like many other days. I was home alone, on my computer wondering who might think of me today. I realize how self-centered that sounds. Having isolated myself as much as I have this past year it is easy to wonder who desires to make the effort to spend time with me. I have only one friend that I have kept in constant contact and seen regularly throughout this year. He has been a good friend, being patient when I was not ready to leave the apartment and being generous with his time and resources when I have been ready.

There have been a couple other friends that would be there when ever I would request, yet there have been times when I would like to have seen them without having to ask. I can be such a spoiled bitch at moments. That is such a selfish thought. I guess that shows how far I have come to recognize that fact. A few months ago I would have expected them to read my mind. Anyway...

On my birthday, I heard from several friends and my youngest son. My elder son seems to have been occupied with other thoughts, which is both acceptable and disappointing. Acceptable in the sense that I justify sending a text to him on his birthday by saying I don't wish to intrude in his life and disappointing in the fact that he didn't find a moment to at least text me. So I do my best to focus on those who did contact me and my "bestest bud" who drove us to dinner and then bought me ice cream.

My husband was busy with his father on a 15 year standing golf date to see the last round of the Bridgestone Invitational PGA in Akron, Ohio. It has landed on my birthday twice now in the 8 years we have been together. I can't imagine telling him I desired to have him home for my birthday, especially when I don't desire to do hardly nothing outside the house, nor spend intimate friendship time with him. I am just now wondering if I keep myself from him because he is so busy that I fear missing him more than I already do. So I don't allow myself that close time with him when the opportunity is there. Interesting... and not so smart. I will have to show him that I appreciate him more, for without him I would be homeless. and with that thought I feel resentment for not being able to support myself. Oh, how crazy our own minds can make us....

The neighbor lady across the hall gave me a surprise gift of cupcakes and a gift card for Red Lobster. The card she gave with that showed both her gratitude and pleasure of the friendship we have made. At times I grow impatient with her need to complain, then I realize she doesn't have all that many people to converse with either. So a friendship has been forged. Now I have myself thinking of those cupcakes... with coffee... yummy.

The value of friendship takes on new meaning....

My best gift was that of my younger son's visit on Thursday. He was in town to take care of some banking and to see me and a few good (clean) friends. Seeing him clean and feeling well did my heart well. His day here in town was good for both of us. He saw friends that had seen him through his dark times and his former girlfriend that is also doing well. He is starting to make amends and realizes that will take a couple years to accomplish. For those of you that don't know, my son is a recovering drug addict. He is a good man with a kind, gentle heart. I wish him well in all he does. He will always be my baby... 

To Me...

I am trying to....

Sleepless rant....

Still not sleeping well. This white screen makes my eyes hurt. the only thing I have been doing in playing facebook games. My birthday is in two days and I don't even which to celebrate. Ron and I are to celebrate tonight because he has a commitment on Sunday. I don't want to do anything. I so dislike the nothingness of my life yet will not allow myself to go and enjoy. Whine, whine, whine, bitch, bitch, bitch. I am good at that, no?

I am to go to a funeral this morning before my appointment for the spa. I won a message and facial. Then after lunch I am to go to talk with vocational rehabilitation people about the next step to me acquiring some sort of employment. Why do I fear life so? I use to be such an adventurer. I use to laugh in the face of fear. Now I am tired and don't wish to fight anymore. Is it possible to have an abundant life without fighting? So many teachers say not to fight the enemy but to acknowledge and walk away. That feels like such poppycock right now. yet there is no energy to fight. nor ability to sleep.

A new month...

There is a full moon this first night of August, the time is 1:50 a. m. and I am here wide awake with my computer. New medication is making it difficult to sleep more than an hour at a time. What happens is I sleep about 3 hours when I first go to bed then the rest of the night I am awake every hour, leaving me like a zombie in the morning. ha ha that sounds like a bad line from a bad movie. "I hate zombies first thing in the morning" Oh well, maybe I am not as awake as I thought. At least I am able to laugh at myself.

I will be turning 50 years old this coming Sunday, August 5th. It is interesting how your age just becomes a number and not a defining character of one's self. Yet there are times that I do use it that way. I guess it depends on if I "feel" the number 50 states in part how I am feeling. It sounds old yet in reality it is not. I hate seeing me turn into my mother. I always described her as old because she did so little physical activity. While growing up, my clearest memories of her is of her sitting at the kitchen table with coffee, cigarette and either a book or the television. Books when I was very young, as televisions didn't become common until I was in my teens. Mom had me when she was 34. She always seemed so old, never getting on the floor to play with us or even joining us for a board game or to play tea party. She just sat at the kitchen table all day unless she was preparing a meal. My sister made a comment a while back about us kids being so ''out of control''. I never thought about it that way, yet we were. My mother never taught us any discipline within ourselves and Dad just expected it when he was around, which was rare.

Well, anyway. Happy 50th Birthday to me. May I find it within myself to have fun.

Hugs and Smiles...

A Light....

When Buddha was on his death bed he noticed his young disciple Anan was weeping.

'Why are you weeping, Anan?' he asked.

'Because the light of the world is about to be extinguished and we will be in darkness.'

The Buddha summoned up all his remaining energy and spoke what were to be his final 


words on earth:

'Anan, Anan, be a light unto yourself.'

This is one of my favorite stories about the Buddha taken from Buddhist scriptures. Today, 


how are you being a light unto yourself?

Stepping out.....

am I willing to venture there?

Another adjustment

My psyche doctor stopped one medication that he does not like to use that my old doctor put me on. He also added Abilify. While this is supposed to help with motivation and energy, I find myself in need of naps throughout the day. I guess that makes sense, if you think of the fact that I have not been motivated to much of anything physical for about 10 months, it only stands to reason that I would need naps as my body gets back in shape. I have gotten in such a habit of having coffee in the morning and with Abilify I am drinking less. This in only my second day of the higher dose. He started me on it about a month ago. The part I don't like is that it is harder to sit still and think. Therefor I have been having trouble posting. Maybe if I try in the evening rather than morning, yet that depends on whether my husband has the television on. I can always ask him to move to the other room while I post. I'll figure it out. In the mean time I ask that you are patient with me and my posts.

Easier said than done...

Mindfulness...

The past few days I have tried to keep more physically busy, doing needlepoint, laundry and other house chores. It is interesting to find that I am much more content when busy rather than deeply pondering how I am feeling. The bad part of this is that when an ugly memory comes if I only suppress it or let is slide off it will return stronger and stronger until I look at it to see where it came from. Needing to know it's origin is both frightening and healing. Allow me to give you an example:

While playing scrabble with Ron, a few nights ago, I placed my word and he showed frustration because I took his spot to play his word. A flood of dread came over me. I was recalling a time when I was playing with my parents. I was approximately 30 years old. I placed a word I was most pleased with. Instantly my father shouts in full voice, "You could ruin a funeral." I cannot begin to tell you the disappointment and dread that washed over my entire being. As I played the word in Ron and I's game and he voiced his frustration, I felt that same devastation. I made myself tell Ron the story and he assured me that he was frustrated with the game not me. That was such a help to know that I was not being blamed as my father blatantly did. Now Ron and I joke with one another and happily shout ''ruin a funeral'' when we take each other's spot. It is so healing to find humor in the dread that my father beset deep inside of me. There is a reassuring feeling within me that we have defused several other times that my father blamed me for such stupid shit.

So to realize the origin of the dread that washed over me, face it, share it, cry if I need to, allows me to then defuse it.

Vocational Rehabilitation update: still waiting for call for next meeting to discuss findings of assessment.

Namaste

A New Week Starts...

I survived this past week of clerical assessments, not with flying colors, but I managed. It is good that it was not a job and only a test of what I could handle both skill wise and physically. While I know how to handle Word fairly well, my skill level with the other Office programs is beginner with a high level of learning the software. On the physical/psychological factors I was terribly distracted by any exterior noise and the stress of the reception desk is more then I am willing to handle at this point. So all in all I am glad it was not a job, because I wouldn't still have the job if it were.

The next step in the vocational rehabilitation is to review the report written by my instructor of this past week. Utilizing his recommendations I will go to the Job Developer to see what jobs are available in the area that fit my ability situation. I am both anxious and eager to go back to work, trying diligently to be kind and patient with myself.

For some reason I just had a troubling memory about how when I was about 13 years I would put myself in situations that set me up to be gang banged. Following that was how my brother (one year older) would take me to parties and I was giving all the drugs I cared to handle so that I would then be passed around to any of the boys there that wanted me. Just a memory, not a flashback, this fact does not say who I am today, it only has made me stronger.

As bad as I have been treated by some men, I still realize there are some good ones out there, because I have one. He is not perfect, but then again, neither am I.

Have a Blessed Day! Namaste

Day 4 of Assessments...

I was having a most difficult time thinking about going in for the assessment today. When all of a sudden I realized it was because I just couldn't go back on the reception desk. So after realizing this was causing me to actually feel ill, I call my instructor and indicated I would not be able to do the reception area. He seemed a little surprised, yet understanding. I also stated that I would let my case worker know of this dilemma. I felt so much better knowing I didn't have to do the desk and was just going to finish up my MicroSoft Office tests. As I prepared to leave, like ready to walk out the door, Mark called back an stated that we only needed one more day to finish up and that if I wished I could take today off and finish up tomorrow. So that is the plan. I am home for the day!!

Noah also called and will be going to a ''clean house''. That is a half way house for recovering addicts to get a footing in the real world while not having peer pressure to use. He is in another city, which I believe will do him well. My heart is with him as he battles this demon. He is a good man, he deserves to be and do well.

Have a Blessed Day!

A Good Day...

Today the assessment seems to be going better. The software is lining up with the actual tests and I survived an hour on the reception desk with the normal gal. I answered the phone twice, no actually three times. The first time I lost the call, she called back and then I answered another call. I was glad it wasn't very busy and I didn't have to use the intercom system and yell through the building for any one! The thought of my voice on a loud speaker freaks me out!

According to the tests, I type at approximately 33 wpm with 97% accuracy. Also, I am teachable on MicroSoft Office 2007. Word is old hat for me, but I have little knowledge of the other programs other than they exist. I have more Office testing the next two days and more time on reception desk.

All in all a good day. Therapy went well. I took myself to brunch in between therapy and work. So I think it helped to go in with a full belly. I didn't even eat the snack I brought along till I just got home. I did buy a diet mountain dew though, only drank a little over half. The rest is in the refrigerator.

This too shall pass???

This assessment is kicking my butt. I am so very tired and depressed. Rather than seeing this as an opportunity to help myself, it is just tiring and stressful. I am not sure if it is the fact that I am physically out of shape or that my depression is such that it is difficult to see the 'bright side'. When returning home yesterday I put a sweatshirt over my regular shirt, curled up on the couch, covered with a blanket and slept two hours. Realize that it was over 100*F here yesterday. I was in air conditioning at the assessment facility and I have air conditioning at home. My ac at home is kept at 74*F which makes a huge difference from outside yet is usually comfortable for me.

My mind is drifting to too many places making it difficult to focus on one thought to type.

This morning I see my therapist at 9 a.m., then I have an hour before I need to be at the assessment site. I think I will take myself to breakfast and see if a good meal helps me through a day there. I am so use to being at home where I can munch on a snack whenever I feel the need that it has made it difficult to work through my normal lunch hour.

Last evening I was feeling rather useless and burdensome. Ron tell me I am worth working so hard for and that I am worth doing stuff for, yet I don't feel that I am. I don't bring anything back into this house, not even a smile or laugh. I sit at this computer, do the bare minimum in housework, yet eat my share, use everything, including Ron to maintain my life, but I don't feel like giving back. I am unsure if this is a reaction to all the years that I felt like everyone was taking so much from me. I don't know why I said felt like, they really were taking a lot from me. It isn't fair that I think Ron should have to pay for what happened to me before. Well I don't guess I think he should, he is just the first person will to. Life isn't fair is it?

I realize only I can help me, yet I don't know that I can find the energy to do so.

Clerical Assessment

Yesterday I started a new round of assessments for the Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation. That would be all well and good had I understood that going in. I misunderstood the not so articulate man on the phone to be stating that I was starting a clerical job not an assessment. Then to top that off, when I was given tests for MicroSoft Office, the test was for Office 2003 but their software is Office 2007. Because I know Word so well I was able to do that test. However, they also tested me on Access and Excel, of which I know little more than their main function. Access is a database and Excel is a spreadsheet. So there was absolutely no why I could correlate the questions to the wrong software. Needless to say I was more than disappointed. I was grieved that I was being assessed again and then to have the instructor not prepared with the correct materials. This assessment is to go on all week, four hours a day. I will be tested on a multiple line phone, filing and I don't know what else because he hasn't told me. I guess my ''job'' right now is to just roll with this in hopes they ultimately know what they are doing. Worst case scenario, they send me on a job I am not capable of doing. Best case scenario, they pay for classes and/or training I would need to do a job I believe my nerves can handle and that will pay enough for me to feel independent again.

This is the second morning I have awaken at 4 a.m. yesterday I thought it to be because of anxiety for the "new job", today however I am uncertain. So it is now 5 a.m. and I am attempting to bring you up to date with my life. At the present time it is difficult to feel like I have a grasp on much of anything let alone my mind. My friends and husband tell me I am not a 'bad' as I think I am. Part of me believes that and part of me is saying, "you have no f#cking idea what it is like inside my head." Needless to say, I feel helpless, at the mercy of life it self.

I went and slept another hour and twenty minutes. Still feel in the ''sleep zone'' though.

My son, Noah, called yesterday. He is doing well, his plans for the future look like they are coming together. I ask that you all send him good energy to help him start this new chapter in his life.

I only slept through the night for two nights before I started awakening at 4 a.m. again. I don't see Doc till next week. We will see what he has to say about any changes then, since I had messed up taking my one medication. I know I had written last week that I discovered that I had been only taking one pill twice a day when I should have been taking two pills twice a day. I had done this for a week before I realized.

There is this small concern that if a potential employer were to read my blog, they wouldn't desire to hire me. The larger part of me feel that this is important to enough people that if that is what they choose it is their loss. All though I don't write everyday, I cannot imagine telling myself I had to stop sharing myself with you so honestly. So I ask for another favor, that you send positive energy to my work situation and my blog to continue ministering to you all. Namaste

Roadblocks...

Another day...

I am feeling much better since I realized I messed up my medication. Sleep patterns are still not right. I keep waking up between 3 and 4 am. From then I am awake til about 6 am then I sleep another hour or two. Just waking back up this morning with Leo's help. Leo is my male cat, for those of you who don't know. Leo likes to get on my dresser and bat at my necklaces hanging from a bulletin board. The blessing behind finding out how I messed up my medication is beyond measure, yet the timing is good. I have heard from the BVR about working. Next week I start in a clerical assessment which allows me to start with 4 hours of work each day for the first week and hopefully go into something full time from there. I will be at the Goodwill offices for that first week. I am uncertain where I will be after that. I am debating on whether or not to ask about medical transcription training.

All in all, I am feeling hopeful that my future is becoming more abundant and productive. It is important to me to know that if something were to happen to Ron, that I can support myself. My Mother didn't teach me much, however, once she said "know that you can support yourself before you allow a man to, or you will feel stuck." I know that she could work hard when she wished to. I am seeing so much of my mother in me with this last episode. Mom seldom left the house and when she did, she did not linger any were except Amvets where she could drink and gamble. When ever I would take her shopping or to the doctor she would request that we take a ride after just to be out of the house. I would oblige when my schedule allowed. I miss here now and then but seldom think of her. She had a good heart, she was just unsure of how she fit into life. I remember noticing that she was a stronger person when Dad first past, then she relied on my sister and I to make sure she was happy. As we all know, one can not make someone else happy, they must decide within them self that they are happy. Easier said than done.

Thank you for utilizing this blog to help you in what ever way it does. Because it helps me stay positive to know that I am someone else's help. Namaste

Medication mess up.....

I had begun to have difficulty sleeping and frightening episodes of despair. When yesterday I received a package from my prescription medication provider that contained medication I had said not to send. At first sight I freaked because that medication usually costs me over $400.00 for a 3 month supply. Then looking at the bill I see I am not charged, yet I cannot stop being upset. I call to complain about receiving medication that I had told them I did not require as my doctor was changing me to something else. As I am attempting to reach a live person through the automated voice messaging I am becoming more and more irritated. By the time a receive a human I am crying. I am sure it is more than just the medication mistake, yet I am unable to calm myself. With a shaky voice I proceed to tell the operator my situation. I am blessed to have reached a most compassionate female operator that at one point asks if I am alright. I hesitate because I don't feel alright. I am shaking, fighting back from out and out weeping. Once we resolve the issue of it being sent and the fact that I had reached my deductible, that being the reason I was not charged, we decide they will send a special mailing container so I can send them the pills to be destroyed. Once the phone is hung up I allow myself to weep. Pacing I have this dread. I start saying out loud, "I am someone's hope. I am someone's hope." because the feeling that I was too damaged and too sad to be of help to anyone was attempting to overwhelm me. I begin to tidy up a few things and come across my current medication list. I realize with the change from a time released medication to a twice a day tablet that I had not been taking two pills two times each day but only one pill two times each day. I go to look at the medication bottle to confirm my thoughts. Yep, I had cut my dosage in half for the past week and didn't realize it. I called my doctor to have the nurse note my chart, just encase I have a episode that hospitalizes me, it would be good for them to have a reasoning start point. With just the fact that this has occurred I am being kinder to myself as to not allow my urges to get the better of me. Now with having corrected my medication dosage and expressed myself here I feel that all will be good as I start sleeping better again. Thanks for listening.

yep...

"Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are." --Marianne Williamson

Amber...

A dear friend has written a letter, purging her soul onto paper as if it were God. Her soul lay bare, raw, before my eyes, before my soul, causing great weeping. The honor this friendship brings me is nothing I have felt before. We have never met in person, yet I know her like a sister.

Her grief goes as deep as my own, yet she has overcome hers with such magnificence that I envy the freedom she has found in spite of it. She has included me in her independence, her live adventure, her longing  to be bigger than her pain.

I do not know if she realizes the power she gives others permission to claim through just being alive. I do know that that is not what matters. What matters is living a life of joy and passion for every breathing moment.

Life is good, if we only allow it to be...
Thank you My Friend

No worries...

Struggling..

Having a difficult time finding my joy the past few days. This made me laugh out loud.

Why...

The focus to write lately has dwindled. It has been difficult to focus on mental tasks that are creative. I have had success with day to day routine functions, but little creativity. Do I blame the medication change or just accept it as a phase that will pass? I am hoping for the latter.

I think part of my block might be that I don't wish to share with you the ups and downs of my marriage. Ron is a wonderful, kind man that is human. We irritate each other at times and I don't wish to bring that into the public eye to be thought of as marital issues when they are just day to day married life. Since I am not around any one other than Ron on a regular basis, he is the one that receives my ups and downs. I do have a couple friends that I go to lunch or coffee with.

I feel like I am rambling.

My marriage is good. I am good. Life is good. I write more passionately when I feel crazy. So bear with me as I learn my 'healthy' voice and post inspiring pictures when unable to write.

I am disappointed that I did not hear about work last week. Hopefully soon.

Namaste

Fall together?

What will fall together from my breakthrough?

More common...

When I am able to experience this I embrace it with gratefulness...

Yesterday my son, Noah asked me to help him with a room for rent with this young family. I expressed I would need to meet the family to know that is where my money was going. When I first walked into the house the visual was that of too much house for this young mother of two to handle. While things looked chaotic, there was this underlying peace that was very strong. The two young boys were adorable. I am hoping Noah's calming demeanor will help them to focus their energy toward not only physical things but also academic and spiritual.

I picture myself visiting the two boys for story time now and again.

Still adjusting...

Yep...

Determined to blossom through this 'mental illness' into the person God intended! Hoping to find in me the strength and discipline within me that it will take to do so. I know it is there. It is only a matter of utilizing it.

Determination...

Let us try to...

Third day...

This is day three with Abilify. It causes me to feel like I have had several cups of coffee without the jitters. I am having trouble sitting still for more than a few minutes at a time and then I have to be doing something that has my attention. I am able to nap, which is good. The last nine months I have done little more than work on the computer. So I do need to nap after moving about the house doing cleaning and tending for 3-4 hours straight. My body is just out of shape. Focusing on my blog is a bit difficult, body wants to be in motion not sitting here. I am not feeling steady enough to drive too far.

I am not sure if this hyper activity is good or not. Yes, I am not depressed and sitting on my ass all day, but I am impatient. I just tried calling my medical insurance to ask what the new medication will cost and I ended up screaming at the phone because of the automated voice service. I hung up once, then called back only saying, "representative" to the system and I still had to say it five times before I was talking with a human. I don't understand how they can think this is anything but sucky service. But they don't care they are rich from all us sick people who are sick in the first place because of crappy food and too many prescriptions. there I am done ranting...
Blessings to all, Namaste.

New medication...

I started a new medication yesterday, Abilify. It is causing a weird spacey feeling so far, along with a need to do something. I will be stopping one of my older medications as soon as we know that I am sleeping alright without it. The weird feeling makes it difficult to write, so bear with me while I adjust.

Start of a good week...

I saw my psychiatrist today. He is pleased with my victories over flashbacks and triggers. One of the examples I gave was; when Ron and I were getting into the car Ron bumped his head and yelped in pain. The sound of his voice triggered a flashback of someone getting beaten. Panic raced through my entire being as I shouted, "What happened?" He calmly said he bumped his head. I, with panic still racing, asked if he was OK and he reassured me he was. I made myself focus on that moment  I was in right then. Breathing deep and telling myself all was fine, I was fine, Ron was fine, the panic slowly left my body and within a few minutes I was only feeling a minor amount of the residual panic. Each time I make myself do this, the easier it gets.

When I told Doc that I will be hearing about work this Wednesday he was pleased for me. The fact that I seem enthused and eager to work says a lot about how far I have come. I truly am excited, hoping and trusting that the Universe will supply just the right job to meet all my needs. More on that Wednesday evening.

Doc reassured me that it was reasonable that I felt invalidated when ever Ron responds to me saying something with, "That's the PTSD talking." I told him I was concerned that he would invalidate any thing I might decide is important. So at lunch today I asked Ron to not state it that way, even if that is what he believes. Ron sounded like he agreed with it and said he didn't realize he sounded so negative. I am also concerned that he only takes my "illness" seriously and not me. I have to be more confident and speak up when something feels wrong.

The office is a half mile from my home, so I walked today. I didn't time myself getting there, but I did coming back. I walked a half mile in 15 minutes. Not too bad. I shall do it more often. Good exercise and great weather lately. Thanks for stopping in to hear me ramble. Namaste

I needed...

A Happy Kitty Fix....

Smile... that is better...

Tell yourself:

Slowly learning...

Yet I am told to not hide or deny my emotions.... I guess the difference is how long you choose to say wrapped up in that emotion. A simple acknowledgment of "that hurt my feelings" as compared to staying in a bad mood for hours or even days because of someone's actions. That must be the difference of denial, acknowledgment and controlled....

Oh Happy Day!!

I just spent the morning with my neighbor lady. She is becoming disabled because of arthritis, so I attempt to assist her with a few things. 90% if not 95% of what comes out of her mouth is a complaint about someone. She can be so negative I find myself humming to drowned out her nagging. When I went on vacation last month she was beside herself with 'what will I do without you here?'  Well I kept my distance since then. So it had been a good month since we spent time together. I did not miss her complaining. Wow. I am Glad that I have now washed that away....

Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy! Let us do a little dance and laugh.

Words to ponder...

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~~erroneously credited to Nelson Mandela, yet written by Marianne Williamson

On the way...

My new therapist is about one half mile up the road, so this morning I walked. Along the way I pass through a lovely park. The dedication sign on a bench said, "Come sit with me awhile." Millie P. So I sat, and as I sat I noticed this wonderful tree over me. (I won't think it so wonderful later when I take a spider off of my arm...) The bench was a little wet from either the rain the evening before or the sprinklers that morning, so my backside became a bit wet. That did not bother me. However, a nervous lady who had been moving bench to bench made sure to tell me I was sitting in a wet spot. I nodded and said, "It is worth it." A smile still now comes over my face as I recall the fresh morning air, the birds, and the sound of the fountain near by. I wondered on whether I have any healthy clue of what I truly desire in life. Do I desire to stay married, yet find myself and grow on my own. Or do I desire to be single, working to support myself and my several cats, growing on my own that way. I guess the first healthy thing to do is to become healthy enough to work. So that is where I will start, on me, right now, where I am and see where that takes me.

Tree I sat under in the park.

Thanks Millie P.

Learning more...

From MHA's website:

What is a Dysfunctional Family and How Does it Lead to Co-dependency?
A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:

■An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.

■The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.


■The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.
Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited

I can relate to everything said here. Now what do I do with it?